damnit man

ok, so I get an email to my old email address and like 3 different people asked me if I ever updated this thing. Umm, I had forgotten about it actually...so I transferred stuff from my other blog to here.

That should satisfy the masses for a few...I'm trying to listen to music, once I get that set up, I'll update.

venting

I was talking to Steve the other day about hopes, dreams and unanswered prayers. I know that one should never live in the past. If for no other reason than you cannot change it, nor is it fair to the person you are with. So I try not to do the "what might have been" deal. There is no "what might have been", you have what you have and you deal with it the best way you can. For me, that seems to make life a little easier. I can look at the people I am no longer with and know that I already know what might have been. They had their chances and I had mine. Tim is in federal prison, Kevin is in state prison and Dale is happily married and has a beautiful daughter. So there is where my "what might have been" went. I have been truly blessed with every relationship I have ever been in. I have loved with everything I have and in return, they loved me with everything they had to give. But, as we all know, sometimes love is not enough. But what happens when the breakdown of a relationship is not with a boyfriend, lover or spouse? Then what?

Some have mentioned to me that I never speak of my father, other than in passing. I guess the reason why I don't mention my Daddy is there is not much to say. And what I do have to say hurts too much to say. I will say that I absolutely 100% love my stepmom, little sisters and brother, (not so little anymore, all in their early 20's). I would not trade having them in my life for anything. Not even having my parents back together again. Once again, an unanswered prayer are unanswered for a reason. Just like any other little girl, I always dreamed of the perfect wedding, the white dress, everyone looking at just you, your Daddy walking you down the aisle and riding away in a limo. Somewhere along the way, my intentions of having this dream wedding got skewered a bit. Now that I'm older, I know that I am within my own power to have just such a wedding. Or so I thought.
All the planning is going perfect. My sister-in-law, Lisa, who is still quarantined from having a stem-cell transplant, is helping me plan. And believe me, she is good. She knows her stuff. 'Cause, y'all know me, I'd show up in sweat pants and a tshirt if I could. Steve and I know what we want and how we want it. When deciding on a date, we took into consideration all holidays, church holidays, birthdays and other relatives wedding anniversaries. (Let's face it, we don't want to celebrate our Golden wedding anniversary with Uncle Fred and his 20 kids with 10 different women) I think we picked the perfect date. Since there is no reason to wait (we do live together), we decided on November 8th. It's past All Saint's Day, before Thanksgiving and the start of Advent. No one except my niece Cheyenne is having a birthday that we will have to celebrate. So, I call Pastor Cecie and we have the church booked. Things are going smoothly. And you know what happens when things go smoothly in my life. The shit is about to hit the fan somewhere along the line. It hit on Sunday when I found out my father is not coming to the wedding.
There is no consolation. I don't care what anyone tells me, there is simply no rhyme or reason why you should miss your child's wedding. Especially your youngest daughters.(I am his youngest daughter biologically) It's inexplicable and I can't fathom in my head the why's of it all. I'm hurt, I've been sick and I can't make it go away.
I've always had this abandonment issue anyway and now this. This is like the smack upside the face that has been coming all my life. I want to say fuck him. I want to say Screw you, you weren't there when it counted anyway. My MAMA was there for me. My MAMA is the reason I'm alive. But, of course, being the good daughter that I am, I won't say these things to him (this time), because in the end, that will ultimately cut him out of my life for good. And I cannot emotionally handle that in any way shape or form. When it comes right down to it, that is my Daddy, the only man I have ever known (or not known) as a father figure.
So tell me, what is the reason behind this unanswered prayer? Is there something that is right in front of me that I cannot see? Am I missing the forest for the trees??
And as a heads up, this blog is locked down so only a selected few can read it. The ones I truly trust and love, so know if you are reading this......I'm asking you for your help.

The Perfect Day

What could be more perfect than a day at the races? Not much, other than maybe getting proposed to .
I guess it’s official. Steve and I are going to get married. Not sure when, still trying to process the whole idea of it.
I’m completely ecstatic and he is wearing a shit eating grin, so I guess he’s pretty happy too.

Anyway, here are some pictures of my ring. In the next few days, I’ll post some pics of the race. It ended pretty cool too.

time to go racing again

2 more days until Martinsville. I can’t wait. I’m kinda dreading the ride down there (Steve won’t let me drive), but I can’t wait to see the race again. This year Jac is coming with us, I’m going to take bets to see how long it is before she is shitfaced. I give it until 2 p.m. Then again she might surprise me.
Less than a week until Amie day. I have to work until 9, but I have the next 2 days off, then I have to work 7 in a row. No biggie, it’s not like my job is hard or anything. I talked to my Mama today and she doesn’t even want to know how old I will be. Or let’s put it this way, she doesn’t want to be reminded that her "baby" is approaching the mid 30’s. Hard to believe my Mama will be 60. Then again, it’s hard to believe my son is 10. When I was younger, 60 was like an ancient age you hoped you lived to. Now 60 seems like it’s not that far away.
So all is well in Amie land. I’m bored out of my mind from 6 p.m. until 9 p.m., but the rest of the day, I’m actually pretty busy. Steve made the mistake of telling me he had my birthday present and well, it’s pretty much been downhill from there. I have begged, pleaded and pestered and he won’t give up any information. I’m sure he’ll be glad once it’s past, that way he doesn’t have to listen to my pleading. I probably wouldn’t have been so intrigued, but he told me that he went to the mall to get it. Steven never goes to the mall. Well, ok, two times that I know of, once at the New River Valley one to help me find some shoes and once he met Le and I up there and he made it from Barnes and Noble to the chicken place (no idea how to spell it). So, knowing that it has been about to kill me to find out what he has. I guess I’ll know before long. I’m not allowed to ask any more questions. Not even batting my eyelashes is working. I think I’m losing my touch!!
Ok, everyone, hope y’all are doing ok. Nothing new on this end, just wanted to let y’all know I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth.

Blossom(ing)

We have a new member of the family, Blossom. I named her after Steve's friend, Bluma. (not sure how I got Blossom from Bluma, but somehow I did) She is a Chinese Dwarf Hamster. She's about 2 months old, 2 inches long and only several ounces. The cats are having a good old time watching her turn in her wheel. She stays in the wheel all the time, even to sleep. I hope it won't hurt her to stay there. She has eaten but I'm not sure she has gotten any water. Anyway, go check out my fur babies pictures to see her and the cats trying to "help" her out of her wheel.Work is going great. I am out of training and starting tomorrow, I am on my own. I am a little nervous but I know there are people who will help me. So far, it has by far been the best place I have ever worked. To me that makes a huge difference. I'd rather get paid far less for a job if I am happy than paid out the butt in a job I hate (hence my nursing career out the window). Anyway, there is room for advancement, so it's not like I will be in a dead end job. I start 8-5, then the 2nd week in April, I will go to my regular shift, which will be 12-9. Everything is going great around here, we have all settled into a nice routine. Steve has a 4.0 in school and is continuing to do well in school. Andrew goes on his first "real" fieldtrip this week. He is going to Monticello. He's so excited. Baseball practice starts here in another week, we just finished basketball. (I just realized I have turned into a sports mom!) We took him on his first bookstore excursion yesterday. He ASKED for us to buy him some books. Of course, we couldn't deny him a book, so we about broke our necks getting him to the bookstore of his choice. I could have gone broke in that place, it had so many first editions, lots of older books, etc. Heather subscribed him to a racing magazine, he loves it. Tommy sent his Highlights and Ranger magazine to him and he has read those cover to cover. I guess next payday, I'll try to subscribe him to those. Thank God, he is finally getting into reading. Steve and I were kinda bummed about the thought that as much as we love to read, Andrew might not like it. Steve has so many books that would interest a kid, I'm sure it won't be long before we are trying to pull his nose out of a book like our parents had to do to us. Our little family is finally blossoming into a "real" family. It's a nice feeling, something I haven't felt in a very long time. All in all, we are doing great. I have no doubt it can only get better from here.

Parking lot woes

When my Daddy told me I probably couldn't find my way out of a paper bag, I think he was right. Only this time it was a parking lot. Andrew wanted to see where I worked, so I drove up there. We had lunch at the adjacent golf course on Monday, so I showed him where that was. Only problem, it was dark, there were no signs anywhere and I had come up a hill to get into the parking lot. So, as I go to leave, I can't find the road anywhere. I mean it disappeared on me. Poof, gone. So, as I was trying to find my sense of direction, we did figure 8s in the parking lot. Now, most of you know I have a little bitty car that can turn on a dime. Yeah, well that thing might be all nice and cute, but the damn thing doesn't have any sense of direction.I finally find my way out of there, with no help from my kid who by this time is laughing so hard he's about to pee his pants. To make matters even worse, we get home and Steve says "And you work with maps all day long??"...well to my credit (if that is possible), I work with satellite imaging all day. I can find a gas mine in the middle of Smyth County, but not my way out of a parking lot. That's kinda sad, isn't it? So, it's not always good to have "intelligence", if you can't find your way out of a paper bag; or parking lot as the case may be.A shout out to the birthday people, Tammy & Louie. Hope y'all have a great day and Tammy, I'm sorry you had to listen to my voice! Love you both.

Sugar and Spice

I hope you didn't think this was a cooking blog, y'all know by now I don't cook!!

Snips and Snails, Sugar and spice

Snips and snails,
And puppy dog tails,
That's what little boys are made of.

Sugar and spice,
And all things nice,
That's what little girls are made of.

As I stood in the shower listening to the radio, I heard a song called I Saw God Today. At first I thought George Strait was singing about his wife. (Lyrics below) My first thought was "aww, he's standing by her side in the hospital". Immediately, my thoughts went to Richie and Lisa. Richie has been down in Richmond with Lisa as she goes through her chemo treatments. Then, as the song was almost at the end, I realize he is talking about being with his wife during labor. He is seeing his daughter for the first time.

There was a pull in my soul that I cannot fully describe. Being only 33 and incapable of ever having children is hard at times. Yes, I realize had I not had the hysterectomy, I would be dead by now. And yet I also see what I don't have and would like to. A daughter.

I read Heather's blog the other day about helping Katie with crafts and I see Dale with Madelyn and I'll admit; I'm jealous. I'm not a girlie girl by any means but I would like to have a daughter to share all the things that I shared with my Mama and Mom. I would like to have a daughter who looks like Katie (she favors her Uncle Steve). I have that yearning for something that can never be fulfilled.

The closest I have ever come to truly knowing what having a daughter is like is with my nieces, Cheyenne (Belle,Belle), Erin and Caitlin. It wasn't the same but at that time, it filled a void in my life. I look at my niece Belle Belle and I wonder if I had any influence whatsoever on her life or her view of life. At almost 16 years of age, I doubt she would even realize what an impact she has made on my life. Those 3 girls are the closest I'll ever come to having a daughter. And they are growing up and away from their Aunt Amie.

I should also qualify this rambling with the fact that I am grateful for the life I live now. I am blessed beyond measure when it comes to family, Steve and my son. I would not trade my son for anything. I might get overwhelmed at times when dealing with him, but I think all parents feel that from time to time. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure I could handle having another child. I'm very selfish with my time and with Steve. I want our time to be OURS. But that hint of longing is still there.

I mentioned earlier about Richie and Lisa. For those who don't know, Richie is my 2^nd to the oldest brother and his wife Lisa is one of my best friends. She is battling Hodgkin's Disease and is staying at MCV (Medical College of Virginia) while she is having a stem cell transplant. What she is going through is on a level I could never attempt to describe. They have created a page for her updates.You may have to log in, I'm not really sure. It can be found here: Lisa's care page Please keep her, Richie and their kids in your prayers.

As for other comings and goings in our life right now; things are going good. I'm slowly adjusting to a rigid schedule of 5:30 a.m. to whenever I can finally sleep. I enjoy my new job and have met a very diverse group of people. All is well in Amie (and now Steve)land.

I hope everyone has a good week. I'm off to check my eyelids for holes. More soon.

I Saw God Today

Just walked down the street to the coffee shop
Had to take a break
I've been by her side for 18 hours straight
Saw a flower growing in the middle of a sidewalk
Pushing up through the concrete
Like it was planted right there for me to see
The flashing lights, the honking horns
All seemed to fade away
In the shadow of that hospital at 508
I saw God today.

Chorus:
I've been to church, I've read the book
I know he's here but I don't look
Near as often as I should (Yeah I know I should)
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today.

Saw a couple walking by
They were holding hands
Man she had that glow
Yeah I couldn't help but notice she was starting to show
Stood there for a minute taking in the sky
Lost in that sunset
A splash of amber melted into shades of red.

Chorus:
I've been to church, I've read the book
I know he's here but I don't look
Near as often as I should (Yeah I know I should)
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today.

Got my face pressed up against the nursery glass
She's sleeping like a rock
My name on her wrist wearing tiny pink socks
She's got my nose, she's got her mamas eyes
My brand new baby girl
She's a miracle
I saw God today...