How to get an old person to walk faster

So, I've finally discovered the secret to getting old people to walk faster. Here's what you do:
Pull into the busiest post office in the Roanoke Valley. Make sure your mother is bitching in your ear as loud as possible. (this is important to set the mood). Get your money out, cards ready and open door. Sit and wait 10 minutes on said mother to get her money out and decide exactly how many stamps she needs. Head towards the front entrance, by this time, there should be a line of old people in front of you walking towards the same door. Walk really fast, because after all, God gave you really long legs to go with the 6'0 frame you have. Look around at all the old people: trust me, those little chicken legs can kick it into high gear if they think a "younger" person is gonna get to the counter before they will. If by chance you make it before them, be sure to listen to the loud sighs of the older person behind you and "how rude" younger people are. After getting everything you and bitchy mother needs, head out the door. If someone screams an old nickname that you recognize: RUN LIKE HELL!! Don't lift your head in acknowledgment. Let alone turn around to see who the hell still calls you "Amie Lou", after all, only the people from the ER and the ex's family call you that. And good God if you see someone you dated years ago from work, don't tell them how grey they are, they get offended. It's also not a good idea to turn down a date in a public place, because then all the old people turn around and wonder what exactly is wrong with him that you wouldn't want to date a doctor. Lots of head shaking and murmuring can be heard. And above all: don't let them see what vehicle you are heading towards, because they will follow you!
Ok, I'm done my bitch session. For now, anyway.