Sugar and Spice

I hope you didn't think this was a cooking blog, y'all know by now I don't cook!!

Snips and Snails, Sugar and spice

Snips and snails,
And puppy dog tails,
That's what little boys are made of.

Sugar and spice,
And all things nice,
That's what little girls are made of.

As I stood in the shower listening to the radio, I heard a song called I Saw God Today. At first I thought George Strait was singing about his wife. (Lyrics below) My first thought was "aww, he's standing by her side in the hospital". Immediately, my thoughts went to Richie and Lisa. Richie has been down in Richmond with Lisa as she goes through her chemo treatments. Then, as the song was almost at the end, I realize he is talking about being with his wife during labor. He is seeing his daughter for the first time.

There was a pull in my soul that I cannot fully describe. Being only 33 and incapable of ever having children is hard at times. Yes, I realize had I not had the hysterectomy, I would be dead by now. And yet I also see what I don't have and would like to. A daughter.

I read Heather's blog the other day about helping Katie with crafts and I see Dale with Madelyn and I'll admit; I'm jealous. I'm not a girlie girl by any means but I would like to have a daughter to share all the things that I shared with my Mama and Mom. I would like to have a daughter who looks like Katie (she favors her Uncle Steve). I have that yearning for something that can never be fulfilled.

The closest I have ever come to truly knowing what having a daughter is like is with my nieces, Cheyenne (Belle,Belle), Erin and Caitlin. It wasn't the same but at that time, it filled a void in my life. I look at my niece Belle Belle and I wonder if I had any influence whatsoever on her life or her view of life. At almost 16 years of age, I doubt she would even realize what an impact she has made on my life. Those 3 girls are the closest I'll ever come to having a daughter. And they are growing up and away from their Aunt Amie.

I should also qualify this rambling with the fact that I am grateful for the life I live now. I am blessed beyond measure when it comes to family, Steve and my son. I would not trade my son for anything. I might get overwhelmed at times when dealing with him, but I think all parents feel that from time to time. And to be completely honest, I'm not sure I could handle having another child. I'm very selfish with my time and with Steve. I want our time to be OURS. But that hint of longing is still there.

I mentioned earlier about Richie and Lisa. For those who don't know, Richie is my 2^nd to the oldest brother and his wife Lisa is one of my best friends. She is battling Hodgkin's Disease and is staying at MCV (Medical College of Virginia) while she is having a stem cell transplant. What she is going through is on a level I could never attempt to describe. They have created a page for her updates.You may have to log in, I'm not really sure. It can be found here: Lisa's care page Please keep her, Richie and their kids in your prayers.

As for other comings and goings in our life right now; things are going good. I'm slowly adjusting to a rigid schedule of 5:30 a.m. to whenever I can finally sleep. I enjoy my new job and have met a very diverse group of people. All is well in Amie (and now Steve)land.

I hope everyone has a good week. I'm off to check my eyelids for holes. More soon.

I Saw God Today

Just walked down the street to the coffee shop
Had to take a break
I've been by her side for 18 hours straight
Saw a flower growing in the middle of a sidewalk
Pushing up through the concrete
Like it was planted right there for me to see
The flashing lights, the honking horns
All seemed to fade away
In the shadow of that hospital at 508
I saw God today.

Chorus:
I've been to church, I've read the book
I know he's here but I don't look
Near as often as I should (Yeah I know I should)
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today.

Saw a couple walking by
They were holding hands
Man she had that glow
Yeah I couldn't help but notice she was starting to show
Stood there for a minute taking in the sky
Lost in that sunset
A splash of amber melted into shades of red.

Chorus:
I've been to church, I've read the book
I know he's here but I don't look
Near as often as I should (Yeah I know I should)
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today.

Got my face pressed up against the nursery glass
She's sleeping like a rock
My name on her wrist wearing tiny pink socks
She's got my nose, she's got her mamas eyes
My brand new baby girl
She's a miracle
I saw God today...

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, it’s off to work I go

I was sitting here thinking a few minutes ago about tomorrow. I'm nervous in some aspects and in others, I can't wait to start on a new adventure. I am nervous because it's an environment where you will be dealing with the public, via telephone. I'm used to dealing with the public face to face. But the cool part is, I'll still be somewhat connected to the construction industry, which I love. I would love to be a contractor. Anyway, I'm not on here very much anymore and I'm sure my time will be limited even more once I start work. Unless of course, I have internet access and then I'm sure I'll be on here more, due to boredom. I hope everyone is doing well and had a good Valentine's Day. We had an excellent one. But then again, any day with Steve is excellent. I'll update everyone once I get settled into something resembling a routine.

You’ve come a long way, baby.

A few weeks ago, my best friend Tammy, told me she was getting married. Awww....I am insanely jealous and extremely ecstatic for her and Kenneth.
What seems like a lifetime ago, we were two women bonding over spoiled relationships. Now, we are two women who have it all. Great men, beautiful families and the friendship of a lifetime.

Tammy, it seems like yesterday we were bemoaning the fate of growing old alone. Tomorrow, I will stand by your side as you take your vows. We truly have come a long way, haven't we? I'm so very proud of you and how far you have come. I miss our hours long conversations, our moments of insanity and riding around in the little red ride. But I wouldn't change a moment of what we have become. I love you and wish you all the best in your new marriage.

Pic blog

On the 20th, my kid turned 10. I feel really old but after sitting here the other day fighting over who got to shoot the paintball gun thingy, I forgot about that pretty quick!! Steve even got in on the action the night we gave it to him. Not only that, but they went sleigh riding! Whew...my body can't handle all that. Anyway, here they are...

Our House


Andrew & Alyssa
(note the 3 legged dog will play in snow, but I won't!)

Andrew NOT sharing his ice cream

I think he approves

Confusion, anyone?

Portapotty Office Prank Wasn`t I just in a portapotty?

written words hurt too

Some of the conversations Kevin and I had in the past really, really hurt me. But when I read a letter today that he sent my sister, instant fury went through me. As in Dale pisses me off fury. I want to write out a letter that tells him it's a little too late to be telling everyone that I never knew the "real" reason why he used. Who the fuck cares why he used? The whole point is the fucker used. I'm not one to say this, but some times, I feel like he ruined my life. I feel as if he got the "good" years. And those years were spent chasing his ass around from one project to another, dragging him home, only to be abused in some way or another. I am so fucking glad I am not with him anymore. But when he says shit like that, it pisses me off because I think to myself, would it have made a difference if he had told me? Would I have been more understanding? Then I think, hell no, I wouldn't, couldn't and still won't understand how someone can use crack for 10 years and go through almost $450, 000. How the HELL do you get that much dope in your fucking system when you are gone all the damn time?
I think of the money he wasted and what COULD have been done with it. Steve and I could be in our own home now, I could have went ahead with my doctorate. Steve and I could be living in OUR place, our dream. I love this house, I absolutely adore it, I would buy it in a heartbeat and restore it, but no, I had to let a motherfucking crackhead spend all my money. And what do I have to show for it? Scars on my body from burns and scars on my heart. And a lot of baggage that Steve has to contend with.
I wish Kevin did have a way to access the internet or have someone print more shit out for him. Because right now the only thing I have to say to him is I wish you were successful in the suicide attempt. You are worth more to me dead than alive. I hate you and hope you fucking burn in hell. So, print that Stacey Renee....

Jailbirds

I'll be damned if almost every man I have ever been involved with hasn't either been in jail or is there now. WTF? Maybe the step-monster was right and I did have some sort of freak light on my forehead.
In one way I am thinking "na-na-boo-boo" to both Kevin and Tim. In another way, I feel bad for Tim. That is until I really stop and think about the shit he put me through. I thought of writing him to say hey, I know where you are.....but that seems kinda stalker-ish. Besides, there isn't really a lot we have to talk about, both of us have moved on.
Speaking of moving on, I am still having those horrible dreams about Steve and multiple women. I don't know who any of them are, but they are in my dreams and it's hard to sleep at night. Then when I wake up, I'm so freakin' mad at him for whatever he did in my dream. I'm still very curious to find out what is on that damn computer of him. I'm thinking it is some sort of freaky porn, or all his "love" letters to the skunt (hehe, I love that word). Hell, I ain't got shit to hide, why does he feel like he needs to hide stuff from me? Does he think I'll judge him? God, far be it from me to judge people. I've done some fucked up shit in my life, who the hell am I to say something is freaky or wrong?

Still waiting on word from VUPS, damnit, I hope I don't hear another "you are too qualified"...how can you be too qualified if you've never done something in that field? I don't want to go back to nursing, but I will if I have to. Thank God I don't have that much debt. I just want to go ahead and get back to work so we can get Steve's stuff paid off and get into a house. Oh yeah, marriage would be nice somewhere along the way. I'm not going to rush that though, I think Steve has realized that living with me is not as easy as he thought it would be.

Ok, I'm off of here, more later, maybe.