written words hurt too

Some of the conversations Kevin and I had in the past really, really hurt me. But when I read a letter today that he sent my sister, instant fury went through me. As in Dale pisses me off fury. I want to write out a letter that tells him it's a little too late to be telling everyone that I never knew the "real" reason why he used. Who the fuck cares why he used? The whole point is the fucker used. I'm not one to say this, but some times, I feel like he ruined my life. I feel as if he got the "good" years. And those years were spent chasing his ass around from one project to another, dragging him home, only to be abused in some way or another. I am so fucking glad I am not with him anymore. But when he says shit like that, it pisses me off because I think to myself, would it have made a difference if he had told me? Would I have been more understanding? Then I think, hell no, I wouldn't, couldn't and still won't understand how someone can use crack for 10 years and go through almost $450, 000. How the HELL do you get that much dope in your fucking system when you are gone all the damn time?
I think of the money he wasted and what COULD have been done with it. Steve and I could be in our own home now, I could have went ahead with my doctorate. Steve and I could be living in OUR place, our dream. I love this house, I absolutely adore it, I would buy it in a heartbeat and restore it, but no, I had to let a motherfucking crackhead spend all my money. And what do I have to show for it? Scars on my body from burns and scars on my heart. And a lot of baggage that Steve has to contend with.
I wish Kevin did have a way to access the internet or have someone print more shit out for him. Because right now the only thing I have to say to him is I wish you were successful in the suicide attempt. You are worth more to me dead than alive. I hate you and hope you fucking burn in hell. So, print that Stacey Renee....

Jailbirds

I'll be damned if almost every man I have ever been involved with hasn't either been in jail or is there now. WTF? Maybe the step-monster was right and I did have some sort of freak light on my forehead.
In one way I am thinking "na-na-boo-boo" to both Kevin and Tim. In another way, I feel bad for Tim. That is until I really stop and think about the shit he put me through. I thought of writing him to say hey, I know where you are.....but that seems kinda stalker-ish. Besides, there isn't really a lot we have to talk about, both of us have moved on.
Speaking of moving on, I am still having those horrible dreams about Steve and multiple women. I don't know who any of them are, but they are in my dreams and it's hard to sleep at night. Then when I wake up, I'm so freakin' mad at him for whatever he did in my dream. I'm still very curious to find out what is on that damn computer of him. I'm thinking it is some sort of freaky porn, or all his "love" letters to the skunt (hehe, I love that word). Hell, I ain't got shit to hide, why does he feel like he needs to hide stuff from me? Does he think I'll judge him? God, far be it from me to judge people. I've done some fucked up shit in my life, who the hell am I to say something is freaky or wrong?

Still waiting on word from VUPS, damnit, I hope I don't hear another "you are too qualified"...how can you be too qualified if you've never done something in that field? I don't want to go back to nursing, but I will if I have to. Thank God I don't have that much debt. I just want to go ahead and get back to work so we can get Steve's stuff paid off and get into a house. Oh yeah, marriage would be nice somewhere along the way. I'm not going to rush that though, I think Steve has realized that living with me is not as easy as he thought it would be.

Ok, I'm off of here, more later, maybe.

Goodbye says it all

"Photograph"

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late
Should i go back and try to graduate
Life's better now then it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, god, I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since god knows when

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, god, I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me...

Tomorrow, I am going to go say goodbye. I look back at the last 2 and a half years and wonder, is there something I could have done to change things? Is there any reason or logic behind trying to change someone other than for your own personal gain?

I haven't heard his voice in almost a year, not in a way I normally would have heard it. I wonder if I can hold it together long enough to say what I need to say. I need closure. I want him to know that life does go on. I honestly believed at one time it did not. I depended on him as much as the oxygen I breath. At times I felt strangled by the hold he has on me. Some days I wonder if he still doesn't.

By now, I thought I would be well on my way to recovering my life. Somewhere along the way there was a set back. I don't feel as though I can go on until I have said what I need to say. There are so many bottled up emotions. Who to turn to? Certainly not the one who destroyed me. Not the one who loves me with all his heart. So I keep it inside and wait. I feel it ticking like a clock. Tomorrow will be the day I finally let it all out.

When all is said and done, I want to walk away into arms that don't deceive me, a heart that loves me and a man who deserves so much more than what I could ever give him.

The Means To An End

Kevin met with the lawyers this morning. I did not know until today. After a 21-day waiting period (even if I waive my right to an appeal), the MSA will be done. Every tie we have together will be cut and we go our separate ways.

I received 2 letters over the weekend. The first was pretty abrupt and to the point. The second one was a little easier to take but it still hurt to read some of the things he said. He brought up some valid points, some good memories and even wished Steve and I well.

I think what stunned me the most was the following:

"I reckon I'll go ahead and say this in case you don't visit. I wish you the best Amie, I really do. There will be times when I think about you and miss you. I'm positive that Steve, or someone, will make you very happy. Where as, I failed to do so. Soon you will have the chance at a really good future, so do yourself a favor and take full advantage of it! Take good care of yourself, you hear? No hard feelings, OK?"

Why do the words you always wanted and needed to hear, always come to late?

I'm hurt, sad, happy and guilty all at the same time.

This was the end of a 24 years friendship. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell him a lot of things that needed to be said. And now I never will. I don't know how I feel about it; happy in a way that he can't hurt me anymore and sad to know I really tried my damndest and failed. Sad because those words are not something I ever expected to hear from Kevin. Sad because he's not the Kevin I knew from so long ago. From age 9 until well into my adulthood, he was in my thoughts most of the day. Now, he's in my thoughts because I am trying to figure out a way to get him out of my life. It seems he has already accepted the fact we will never see each other again. I, on the other hand, apparently had not.

Steve says I'm going through stages, much like the ones people feel when going through the death of a loved one. I know it is true. The guilt comes from the fact that I am "mourning" a relationship that will never be again, when I should be focused on the one I'm in. I have been crying on and off all day, rereading the letters and wondering if I should go say goodbye face to face. Yet, in the same breath, I'm afraid to. He has nothing to hold over me now. He has signed the papers. It's done. There is no reason for him to emotionally fuck with me. I need to say goodbye, somehow. And I'm not sure a letter will do it.

I hate failing. I feel at my lowest point when I realize I failed to accomplish something. I believe I can honestly say the only part in life that I have never been able to conquer is love and relationships. But I have also heard that if you go into something with a negative attitude, it will fail. This time, I'm going to walk away knowing I gave it my all and it is not my fault that it did not work. And I'm walking into my relationship with Steve with the positive attitude that we can make it work. Finally, after all these years, I can say without hesitation the words "we can make it work", and that is a really good feeling. But before I do, I need to get rid of old demons or they will forever plague me. I don't want to bring any more baggage than I already am into this relationship.

I feel so guilty for even writing this. I feel like I am "wasting" emotions on someone who is not worth it. At this point, all I know is I'm emotionally drained when it comes to the Kevin saga. It's time to let it go. Finally, I am free of the emotional torture that was my life for so many years. So, why doesn't it feel good? Why am I not ecstatic? I wish I knew and I wish these feelings would go away.

What's in it for me?

I received a letter from Kevin over the weekend and just finished reading it. He wants to sit down and hash this mess out between the two of us. Basically, we have been telling each other off through counselors, lawyers and an occasional letter. I'm hesitant, but I see where he is coming from.

He made two valid points. If he sees me and I walk away, it will break his "already shattered heart". If he never sees me again, he doesn't have to face the pain and responsibility for what he has done to me in the past. He did say he would like to see me but is terrified of what will happen when we do see each other. Will we both cry for what we have lost or will we be like old friends catching up? I honesty do not know the answer to that. It is so much easier to "get over" some one when you don't have to face them.

In order to complete the 12-step program, you should make amends with the people you have hurt. As of today, he has never once said he is sorry for what we went through. I wonder if maybe this meeting could be his chance. I know I need closure, somehow. I'm not sure if it will come once the MSA is complete or if it will be when I can look him in the eyes and say to him, with all the honesty in my heart: I don't love you anymore. You took away my innocent, naive ways, my ability to trust others and most of all you took away 24 years of my life that I will never, ever be able to get back.

Can I see him, turn around, and walk off? I would like to think I could. I would like to squelch the maternal feelings I have towards him. I'd like to be able to saunter off with the heavy burden of terrible memories, gone. I want to be able to hold my head up high, knowing I did the best thing for my son and I. I want to turn around and see Steve standing there, waiting on me. I want to finally be happy. Is that too much to ask? Am I trying to pull the fairy tale out my ass? Am I being selfish to ask, what's in it for me?

When I saw you on the street
I almost turned away
When you stared in disbelief
Because I smiled and waved
Oh the years have turned my bitterness
Into a sad regret
And it's good to finally talk to you
And lay our past to rest

Cause(And) I have changed and you have changed
And all is forgiven now
And a long and silent last embrace
Shows our repect somehow
But it's ok to cry a little
I know where it comes from
These tears of sadness and relief
When love dies in your arms

You were once my deepest pain
But you were oce my friend
And a part of me was holding on
Till I saw you again
I couldn't bear to see it end
With rage and jealousy
A feeling once so beautiful
Should die with dignity

Cause(And) I have changed and you have changed
And all is forgiven now
And a long and silent last embrace
Shows our repect somehow
But it's ok to cry a little
I know where it comes from
These tears of sadness and relief
When love dies in your arms

What it takes

Normally, I would post this in my other blog, but since the site is down right now, I'm doing it here. Steve, you may not want to read this.

Years ago, a day had been particularly hard. I, per my parents instructions, was told to get rid of "that boy" or they would. You see, my friend Jenny saw my Daddy every day. And the day before, Kevin had jerked me across the hallway. So, he had jerked me around from time to time, it didn't seem like a big deal at the time. However, in my friends eyes (and now mine), it was the first sign of many years of abuse to come. She ratted Kevin out. My Daddy knew the signs of abuse and was only trying to protect me. But, being the stubborn person that I am, didn't want to believe my Daddy was right. I wanted to believe that he simply didn't want to see me happy. (How much further from the truth could that have been??)

Leaving school that day, I was thrown as cassette tape. I was thrilled, it was the new Aerosmith: Pump. Riding with my cousin to my Nannie's house for the weekend, I discovered a song on there that has stuck with me, some (almost) 20 years later. Inside the tape, I found a note. I'm not sure exactly what it said, but something to the effect of "What will it take to let you go?" It took me a while to realize what those words meant, then I heard the song, I was hooked.

For some reason, tonight, Kevin is on my mind. I wonder if he is ok. I wonder how he is surviving prison life. And I wonder what will it take for him to let me go.

It's nights like these, I hate to be alone. I should be asleep, I should be peacefully sleeping. But every time I close my eyes, I see Kevin. I see the film of our lives together. In order to "get over" Kevin, I tend to remember the bad stuff, not the good. Something triggered a memory tonight that I had not thought of in years, the sharing of the cassette tape. One week it was mine, the next his. This didn't last long, as he "got over" me pretty quick. The following year, his son, Justin was born. But I got custody of the tape. I still have it.

I can't fathom why I continue to torture myself and allow thoughts to creep in about him. I finally have my life on the path I want it to be on, yet, memories of him continue to creep in.
I hate these long nights. I hate hormones, I hate that I think of him, when my thoughts should be focused on Steve and planning our life together. I know without any hesitation I would never go back to Kevin, I can honestly say that now. Before I really "fell in love" with Steve, I'm not sure I could have said that. I feel as though any thoughts of Kevin should be automatically banned from my memory. I know it doesn't work that way,

So anyway, below are the lyrics and a link to the song. I'm sure some of you remember it.

What it takes---Aerosmith

What It Takes

There goes my old girlfriend, there's another diamond ring
And, uh, all those late night promises I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story? Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away.
I used to feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Chorus:
Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go.

Yeah
Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E. Fine
but your love made me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money, then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes

Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me

Chorus

Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No no no no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise
Ooo Let go, let go, let go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
I don't wanna burn, I don't wanna burn

End of days and the lucky 7

So as much as I say I don't regret anything, there is one thing I do regret. Putting a name on my body. Not my son's, well, because he'll always be my son. But putting Kevin's name on my back was probably one of the second stupidest things on my list of all time "Amie had a dumbass moment", and believe me, the list is a long one. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. I had know him 20 years (it was done on our 2nd or 3rd wedding anniversary), so it was sort of a tribute to our friendship/love. Since those days are over, I have been begging my friend for months to cover it up for me. So yesterday was the day. New Year and all, might as well start it out right. So, waking up beside the one who makes me so very happy, spending the day with him, seeing one of my best friends and getting a tattoo made my New Year's Day perfect.

So much has went on in the last week. The world seems to be changing so quickly. 2006 is over, thank God, one of the worst and best years I've had in a long time. President Ford who was in office when I was born, died. The tyrant, Saddam Hussein was hanged; and our 3000th soldier died . And we can't forget that the "Godfather of Soul", James Brown, passed too. That is a lot to happen in a less than 2 weeks. We are watching history in the making. Kinda makes you wonder what 2007 will bring.
Anyway, here is a pic of the tattoo. It has to be reinked again, to make sure it covers it. This made #7 for me. Hmm, lucky number 7. And here all this time, I thought # 36 was my favorite number.
To all my friends, I hope '07 brings you love, peace, blessings and happiness.

This is the "before":


And here is the "after" until it gets reinked:

We regret to inform you

I just answered the phone, not knowing the number, I was hesitant, ready to close it, if it happened to be my ex. However it was some woman, she started with "We regret to inform you", and everyone knows that types of calls are NEVER good. Mine was excellent!!!
So anyway, since SOME people don't like cliffhangers, she went on to say that Kevin had been transferred to Deep Meadows (an intake prison).
Finally!!! They aren't going to leave him here to bug the shit out of me. 6 letters in 2 days. My postmaster hates me now. He actually leaves the stamp laying on the counter for me to stamp it myself these days. 4 phone calls in 2 days (I entered the number in my phone under DO NOT ANSWER).
Woo Hoo...maybe this time the counselors will get it right and I will finally get some peace and quiet.
As we say on IOIC, I'm doing the happy dance (not really, but I'm pretty happy right now)...somehow though, it's not for the same reasons as they were. Sorry ladies.

Tale of Two Children

Since so many have asked what the deal is with my ex, I figured I'd write a blog about it. This is our edited, watered down story.

August 24th, 1984. This was the day I would meet my future husband. Little did I know what an impact he would make on my life. Would I change meeting him? Yes. Honestly, I can say that I would never have spoken to him had I only known.

It started on the school bus. He was the new boy in town. It started innocently enough, the "check yes or no" letters. I can't say that I liked him. It was more of an annoyance than anything else. But eventually he wore me down. We became friends. He was a year older than I, a lot more experienced in life and quickly taught me the ropes, along with corrupting me. Not that I minded. We soon transitioned into intermediate school, now I guess they call it middle school. By this time, we were sexually active. Now, imagine your pre-teen being sexually active. You'd freak out. Hell, I'd freak out. But somehow, it didn't seem like a big deal to us. We used it as a "get away" from the life we both lived. His mother constantly changed boyfriends/husbands, he had no real father, he ran with a bad crowd and he was constantly in trouble. I was the good little girl who did no wrong in most people's eyes. My family life wasn't much better, the only exception being my parents were together at that time. We would meet and hide and talk for hours about how bad it sucked to be us. And what we would do when we grew up and children of our own. We knew at the tender ages of 9 & 10 that one day we would marry. This continued until high school. I will say that Kevin got me through some of the toughest years of my life. We went through life, death, rape, physical and mental abuse together.

At the age of 14, I met another "man", Dale, the father of my son, Andrew and my first husband. Even though I loved Kev with everything I had, I wanted Dale. Come to find out, the day I told him that it was through, he told me he had gotten a girl pregnant and was getting married. So, this was the beginning of the end. He married a girl named Angel in December. I began dating Dale. Fast forward to my senior year. He shows up on my door step. Of course, I didn't turn him away. That was my problem, I never could turn Kevin away. We caught up on old times and by this time, he had 2 sons, Justin & Billy. Over the years, he continued to pop up in my life when I least expected it.

July 4^th, 1997. The carnival. I took my little sisters to it. There he was. It had been 2 years. He had remarried, had another child, a daughter this time, Mary. I was yet to be married. I was more worried about my "career and education" than marriage. I left with him that night. I spent the entire summer with him. On August 17, 1997, by mutual agreement, I went back to Dale, he went back to salvage his marriage and be with his daughter. Again, fast forward to January 20, 1998, my son, Andrew Thomas was born. I brought him home and 2 days later, Kevin saw him for the first time. Dale never knew.
On August 17^th, 1998, Dale & I married. The reason? My insurance was going to run out from a COBRA policy. I needed insurance. So we married. On December 15^th, he left me. I won't go into details, as this is Kevin's story.

I moved on with my life. December 24^th, 1998, I got a call. It was Kevin, he was in jail and please don't let him spend Christmas Eve in jail. I didn't. This was to be the first of many, many times I would bail him out. I believe it was early May 1999 he was sent to prison the first time.

June 8^th, 2001, he was due to be released. Having sent letters back & forth for 2 years, I was ready for him to come home. I mistakenly thought I could be his salvation. I could change him. On August 24^th, 2001, we were sitting in my bedroom talking, and realized that it had been 17 years since the day we met. We talked about how mad my family would be if I married "that boy" (a nickname that has stuck with him to this day). We decided to get married. This was at 3 p.m. By 8 p.m., we were married; all to spite my family. Finally, my "dream" had come true. In reality, the nightmare had just begun.

All of this sounds so sweet and "aww, you married your childhood sweetheart". No, I married a crack head. Again to save time and painful memories, I'll just skim over the major parts. Kev was a journeyman welder, and a damn good one. On his way to becoming a welder inspector (would still like to see that happen). We traveled and moved every 90 days until 2004. In 2004, we settled back down here. It started up again. Leaving for days, money gone from the bank account, the excuses, the "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" and jail time. Finally last year, it was the final straw. As much as I loved Kevin, he has bled me to death. I had no money left, I had no self esteem, I was a broken person. Trying to live with a drug addict will eventually led to your death. I kicked him out. Since that time, he has been tried and convicted once more and will do somewhere around 4 years in prison.

There is so much more I could say, I could tell you about the knives being held to my throat, I could tell you about the copious amounts of crack and powder in my home, the multiple times the police came to my house with search dogs, fights with drug dealers, being followed, questioned by the ATF. So many things that I look back now and think "oh my God, how did I live through that?" I will tell you one thing. My son NEVER knew that Kevin did drugs. If nothing else, I protected my son. I may have been through hell and back but my son has not.

So, when asked tonight about August 24^th, 1984, this was the reason. Yes, I would change it, I would have never spoke to that boy had I known it would change my life forever.

Today, I got a letter, he's finally letting go. After 20+ years of being my best friend, he's letting go. Am I sad? No. I'm glad I finally came to my senses and got out while the getting was good. Will I ever forget? No, he was my life. Do I still love him? Yes but not as a wife should love a husband. More as a friend loves a friend. Will I ever go back? I will end this with an absolute HELL NO. I would spend the rest of my life alone before I would go back to the depths of hell that I just pulled myself out of.

Eventually, you have to let go

I thought I had more time. I thought I would be able to make an informed decision. The right decision this time. Not only for me, but for my son. However, I received a letter yesterday telling me the time had come to make the decision I have dreaded since January. But what do you tell an addict who refuses to get clean and stay that way? Do you allow them to keep a stranglehold on you? I think not. I know not.
So, after 23 years of friendship, heartache, and love, I'm letting go.
I woke up this morning feeling ok with that decision. Some things you have to let other people worry about. And this is one of those times in my life where I am not going to worry about whether or not Kevin stays clean. I pray to God he does. But, I know in my heart he will not.

23 years is a long time. I know I will never, ever have a friendship with anyone else like I did with that boy I met on the school bus. But I'm ok with that. I can't live in the past. All I can do is go forward. And starting today, I'm jumping off that cliff. But this time, I know where the jagged edges are, and I know how to avoid them.

So to all my close friends who know what decisions I have had to make here recently, I want to say thanks for listening to my ramblings, crying and ho-humming.