Sex , Lies and Videotape??

When meeting my boyfriend, I knew he was quite the perv, as I can be at times. However, what I did not know is that he would continue his conquests online. And how did I find out this information? He left a website page logged onto my computer. I found it accidentally when I went to view the page (we both belong to this particular forum).
I'm pissed beyond reason. I have no idea what I should do. I did tell him about finding it but I didn't go into details. No clue what to do.

Is cyber sex considered cheating?

The locket

Today is our 1st anniversary. Tonight I got a surprise. It's pictured below. I have wanted a locket since Andrew was a baby and he accidently broke mine. Now, I need a picture of the two men in my life.
It's hard to believe it has been a year already and what a year it has been. I personally am looking forward to the next 100 or so years....And since I am now a *single* woman again, I can't think of any else I would rather spend my life with.

My clone (with pics)

Last Thursday Andrew and I were pulling out of the parking lot of his school. He hands me a wadded up piece of paper. Below are the pictures. My son's first "love note", isn't that sweet? Today he informs me that he didn't want to hurt her feelings, but she was acting like an idiot, so he dumped her. Hmm, he's already following in my footsteps.

Over the weekend, he had to go get glasses. He's in the 4^th grade; same as I was when I got my first pair. Since he is active in sports, we are going to get him contacts in January. He also is getting ready to get his first set of braces. I swear it seems like everything happened over the weekend. My son grew up. ***sigh***

Anyway, here are the pictures. Thanks to everyone for being concerned about my almost, thank God it didn't happen car accident.

I could not deny this child even if I wanted too!!

I should be sleeping

Yet, I can't get him out of my head. When did this happen? What happened to me? When did it sneak up on me? I have been trying to sleep for hours now and my mind keeps going back to him. Is he asleep yet? Does he miss me as much as I miss him?
All consuming romantic love. He says he's never felt it. Is this an indication that I should run like hell? He says he's never felt what he feels for anyone the way he feels about me. This should be a good thing. Yet, in the same breathe, he says he's never felt an all consuming romantic love like the romance novels. Does this mean I'm not the one? Is he just using me as a means to an end? I know we have a connection. We are both intelligent and have some of the best conversations of my life. He understands my quirky sense of being. But is caring for someone enough to continue a life partnership?
I want the romance novel, all consuming love. I need it. I just don't know if he's capable and if I'm the one. I've already asked him these questions. There are no answers. I came extremely close to losing him on Christmas. I would have left had he not continually reassured me that it's me he wants to be with. I don't doubt that part for a second. I know he cares for me. But it's not the same as love. I want him to feel as though he can't live without me. I want the fairy tale, I want it all. I just wish I knew how to get it.

Here I go again

Since the last journal was compromised, here I go again. I guess we will see how long this one lasts, I hate that I lost all the others, but it was for the best, I suppose.
Let's see, I guess I'm supposed to start off as usual, with my day, etc.
My day sucked, the car broke-again. It's either the plug wires or the plugs. Don't know. Then Steve did not have patience at all tonight. I understand where he's coming from, he's never been around children. It seems my son is trying to test his patience. It also seems that Steve is up for a good challenge. I have a feeling that Steve will win this battle.
I got to talk to Gary this afternoon. It was really good to hear his voice. Some days I wonder what exactly is it that I felt for him, if that makes sense at all. Lord knows I don't have the same feelings for Steve that I have for Gary. I dunno, I'm confused. I reckon because I thought I was gonna lose Steve tonight over Andrew and it scared me. Scared me big time. So what is this?
I also got a phone call from Kevin. That was like talking to an old friend. There was no warm fuzzy feelings or anything like that, just one of those phone calls where you want to make sure the other person is ok because it's been so long since you talked to them. I'm not confused on the Kevin matter. It's over & done with. The pain is gone, I guess. I don't really ever think about it anymore. I guess the old saying about time will tell is true. Damnit, all these men and I can't pin down a "label" for any of them. I can say Gary is my best friend. I feel so comfortable and safe with him. I wish he felt the same. Ahhh, well, can't change the past.
Ok, well, I guess I'm done rambling.

Eventually, you have to let go

I thought I had more time. I thought I would be able to make an informed decision. The right decision this time. Not only for me, but for my son. However, I received a letter yesterday telling me the time had come to make the decision I have dreaded since January. But what do you tell an addict who refuses to get clean and stay that way? Do you allow them to keep a stranglehold on you? I think not. I know not.
So, after 23 years of friendship, heartache, and love, I'm letting go.
I woke up this morning feeling ok with that decision. Some things you have to let other people worry about. And this is one of those times in my life where I am not going to worry about whether or not Kevin stays clean. I pray to God he does. But, I know in my heart he will not.

23 years is a long time. I know I will never, ever have a friendship with anyone else like I did with that boy I met on the school bus. But I'm ok with that. I can't live in the past. All I can do is go forward. And starting today, I'm jumping off that cliff. But this time, I know where the jagged edges are, and I know how to avoid them.

So to all my close friends who know what decisions I have had to make here recently, I want to say thanks for listening to my ramblings, crying and ho-humming.

If A Man Wants You

In light of what has been going on here lately, I think this is pretty good advice. It came from a special friend on a message board who has always been there to listen to my rants, raves and boo hooing. Thanks for the reminder Jovi!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.