If I Had A Warning Label

It would say:

CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: MAY EXPLODE WHEN SHAKEN

Sex , Lies and Videotape??

When meeting my boyfriend, I knew he was quite the perv, as I can be at times. However, what I did not know is that he would continue his conquests online. And how did I find out this information? He left a website page logged onto my computer. I found it accidentally when I went to view the page (we both belong to this particular forum).
I'm pissed beyond reason. I have no idea what I should do. I did tell him about finding it but I didn't go into details. No clue what to do.

Is cyber sex considered cheating?

Who you’d be today

Their names are Sarah Katherine and Robert Douglas. Born November 17th, 1996 Died, November 17th & 18th 1996. Is it easier to lose a child whom you have never gotten to know? Or is it easier to lose a child you have just borne? I don't think there is an answer to that question. As the birthday/anniversary of the twins birth and death is upon me, I have questioned myself. After seeing what Gordon went through with Samantha's death, I still have no answers. He had 19 years to get to know her; I barely had 19 hours. I often find myself wondering what their personalities would be like, who would they look like, who would they be? At Samantha's funeral, they played a song by Kenny Chesney, Who You'd Be Today. Somehow I find that song appropriate for yesterday and today. Sunny days seem to hurt the most Wear the pain like a heavy coat I feel you everywhere I go I see your smile, I see your face I hear you laughing in the rain Still can't believe you're gone It ain't fair you died too young Like a story that had just begun The death tore the pages all away God knows how I miss you All the hell that I've been through Just knowing no one could take your place Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams? Settle down with a family? I wonder, what would you name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue I feel like I can talk to you And I know it might sound crazy Today, Today, Today Today, Today, Today Sunny days seem to hurt the most I wear the pain like a heavy coat The only thing that gives me hope Is I know I'll see you again someday Someday, Someday

PLEASE HELP!! MISSING PERSON

Please, I am begging y'all, even though some of you don't live in Virginia, please pass this along by word of mouth, copy/paste, whatever you have to do. My cousin Samantha (Sam) is missing. Please say a prayer/light a candle, send positive energies for her safe return.
Below is her information, her Myspace is: Sam's MySpace

Samantha Bittler

19 yrs old

short dirty blonde hair

blue eyes

5'5" tall, average build

last seen in Blue Ridge, VA area

Sunday September 30, 2007

Car: 2 door black Chevy Cavalier.

Round Black/silver 8 sticker on trunk.

Letters on License plate K A B

If you have seen her or have any information about where she may be please contact the authorities immediately or:

Ellen Bittler- 1-540-586-1463

Lisa Russell - 1-918-868-4373

Greg Bittler - 1-540-312-7394

Please forward this to anyone you know,

no matter where they live.

Please pray for her safe return.

As of today, October 3rd. The family has no information about what has happened to her.

Samantha's tattoos

Wipe Out

Over the years, I have learned a lot of lessons, rarely has one made me make an immediate change in my lifestyle. Yesterday we finally got some much-needed rain. But it was the type of rain where it was a mist rather than a drizzle, just enough to make you need your intermittent wipers. Traffic was horrible, so I decided I would take the shortcut over to the post office.

Once I was off the main road, I grabbed my phone and called my sister. Not thinking much about it, I continued along the road rambling on as I always do. There is a curve in the road as you go down a hill. You can also turn into a parking lot where there is a water mill. This turn is in the curve, once you start to straighten out from the kiss-your-ass-curve, there is a bridge and the road starts to straighten out a little more. The speed limit sign says 25 mpg, with good reason. I begin to brake as I am coming down the hill and suddenly I realize that nothing is happening. Then it hits me that I am in a full skid. I know I screamed to my sister that I was skidding and threw the phone. I tried to remember if I was supposed to go with the skid or try to correct it. The Jeep goes sideways down the hill and rather than taking the curve, it went sideways into the turnoff and lands perfectly next to a parked car. I don't remember much other than thinking to myself "OMG, I have NO one to call". I was thinking okay, I'm not driving anymore, this is my sign to hang it up and stop driving.

Normally, I am an excellent driver (if I do say so myself). However, with the combination of talking on the cell phone, excessive speed in a curve and rain bringing the oils out onto the asphalt, it was a dangerous combination. A combination I'm not willing to take again. I have only been involved in one accident and that was an 80 yr old lady T boning my sister's car while running a red light. That incident scared me enough that I didn't drive for close to a year.

I don't know which guardian angel was with me yesterday but whoever it was, I thank them. I learned the hard way why you should hang up and drive. So easily I could have flipped the Jeep and messed myself up pretty good. From now on, I think I'll stick to keeping both hands on the wheel rather than trying to pretend I'm a NASCAR driver. What should have been a left hand curve turned into a right hand park, backwards no less. Oh yeah, I found the phone in the backseat and I am still trying to pull the cotton out of my ass.

You too can be gansta

Today I think I have repented every sin I have ever committed. The reason? I have had a taste of hell today with the temperature being over 100 degrees. I know without a doubt I do not want to go to hell if it fells ever remotely this hot. And I'm assuming it is kinda hot down there, with all that fire and brimstone the T.V. preachers talk about.

On to my point, I went shopping today to get out of the house, because the A/C was broke. I can't tolerate heat as well as I used to since starting the chemo. Shopping and a hair cut sounded really good. I'm sure Heather would applaud my good sense. Walking around the mall, Jac and I decided we "needed" new purses. And this is what I found.

I know it's a crappy picture, but it's from a camera phone. Those things on top are "brass knuckles" and the straps are made from chain link. Ummm....ok. Not sure who the target consumer was when this product was designed but they sure missed their mark when they put it in our town. But it is nice to know if I ever need a set, I can go to my local mall, get this purse and smack the shit out of someone. Much better than the concealed weapon I was planning on putting in there to begin with.

1 year ago today, I met the man who would become my best friend. So, I just wanted to tell him that I really appreciate all you've done for me in the last year. The whining, crying, screaming and laughing you've had to put up with, I thank you for. I am very happy that you are reaching your goal of having your own shop. I hope you know you will always have me standing beside you, cheering you on. Like I said a few weeks ago, if it wasn't for you, I would have never met Steve. So thanks for making me see things I didn't want to and teaching me to go on with my life. I love ya and I'm very proud of you. Just remember, I'm boss, I'm immortal and things will be just fine.

Gardening for dummies

I am not one to grow plants. I've heard people say, "get a cactus, you can't kill them".

Umm, yeah you can, and I did! Mama still hasn't forgiven me for that one yet.

Being in the new house makes me feel all-domestic and stuff. Surprising, huh? Anyway, on one of our excursions to Wal Mart, Andrew and I went through the garden section. I was eyeballing on the plants and smart-ass had to point out that I kill everything I have ever brought home. But this one was different. It said: Gardening for Dummies. It even came with directions. And they are as follows: stick finger in plant, if dry, water, if wet, don't water. Yup, I can do that!!! Or so I thought.

I bring this flower home and Steve humors me and puts my plant hanger up beside the steps and I hang it up. Well, everyday, I noticed it looked a little more peaked than the day before. Even my climbing strawberry vines are looking sickly. I was watering it every other day, even talking to the damn thing, but no luck, it looked like I had killed another plant. Then one of Steve's friends came over and was looking at my poor pitiful plant and he tells me I'm frying it. HUH?? A plant can get too much sunlight? Why didn't the Gardening for Dummies pot tell me that? Well, come to find out, it did. It has a tag thingy placed in the pot. It gave me all the information I needed. Come to find out, I'm the proud owner of impatiens and they only need 4 hours of sunlight per day.

I move the plant to the front of the house, where the sunlight only hits in late afternoon. The damn thing still was dying. I couldn't figure it out. I had it hanging in the perfect spot for sunlight. I assumed it was getting water from the afternoon thunderstorms. Apparently not. It seems our old farmhouse had better guttering than I thought and my poor plant was dying of thirst.

I started watering her on Thursday and then this morning, I noticed the blooms. Steve and I had to get some pictures, because after all, it's my first flower that I killed and brought back to life and it has such cute little flowers. On the side of the pot we both noticed some printing that says: SUN/EVIL

I reckon if I'm gonna be all-domestic and stuff, I ought to learn to read all the directions, huh? I could have avoided this to begin with. But it seems to have forgiven me for frying and dehydrating it, so it gave me some flowers. Now if I could only get my Mama to do the same. Forgive me that is, not give me flowers.

Progress

Until I was 16, I lived in a rural area. My definition of rural: there were no Walmart, Kmart or even a local convenience store for at least an hour away. Dirt roads you could ride for hours and never see a power line or any hint of civilization. The closest thing we had was a small store located on "main" street. Did I mention there were only 2 streets? Main Street and the one that went through town. I lived on that one. But before I moved to town, I lived about 5 miles away on a farm. We had neighbors across the road but we had a lot of privacy. Even though we lived in a remote area, everyone still knew everyone else and their business. And I hated it. Yet, I miss it.

This morning, I heard a loud sound and wondered what it was. I thought the city was cutting trees again. I tossed and turned until finally the noise was so loud I couldn't get back to sleep. I emailed Steve and he asked if I had seen all the equipment outside. I made my way to the window and couldn't see any equipment but I did see a 6-point deer walking along the tree line. Behind it, where yesterday I could see nothing but trees, I could see piles of red clay dirt. I went to do a few things, came back and there it was: the big, ugly, yellow equipment.

I felt like someone had just gut punched me. I knew they were trying to sell all the land for commercial use, but I didn't know it included the land behind us. I have no doubt that within a few weeks; we will be looking at a row of new houses, all looking as though they were cut from the same cookie cutter.

I must say I am very disappointed. I guess only time will tell what will happen to our little forest. But in the meantime, I don't expect any of my new animal friends to come visiting. I think that is what saddens me the most, all those animals have to find new homes now.

They call it progress. But is it really? I don't think so.

Dragging Up

Good Lord, so much has happened in 24 hours. My marital woes are over and now for the good news. We got the house! So, that means I need to start packing up my life from the last 5 years here. (I can't believe I've had this place that long) A whole new start. The old Ironworkers/Boilermakers call it "Dragging Up" because in the old days, they literally dragged up their ropes/tie offs and went on to the next place. How appropriate in my case. It seems like I was always dragging up and moving on to the next town and the next latest, greatest drama...

I'm done with the drama and the dragging up. Hopefully, we will only make one or two more moves before we retire to some foreign country. Somehow I can see Steve sitting on the porch in a rocker yelling, "Get off my damn yard". And I have plans to become domesticated!

I am so happy; I am literally sitting here jumping up and down on the bed. You would think I had eaten some Twizzlers or something equally laden with Red Dye 40.

My days will now be filled with separating stuff into keep, throw away, burn and belongs to Johnny. Whew, who would have thought I'd be happy about moving? But I'm beyond happy...

Is my freak sign on again?

Ok, well, here's a two for one deal today. My IOIC friends will appreciate this blog probably more than most. They have heard of my excursions before.

I make a trip to the umm, toy store, yeah, that is what we will call it for modesty's sake. I went by myself, no sister, friends or mother this time. And dang it, I'm on a mission.

So, I'm standing there looking like a kid in a candy store, mentally making notes of things that look interesting. I sort of back up, in order to lean over to look at something on the bottom row, and I feel this thing on my butt. And to make it worse, it's vibrating, gyrating and in general making some pretty weird noises. I think I jumped and yelped at the same time. There was this girl standing there with this thing in her hand. She was putting new products on the shelf and this particular one had all the bells and whistles, so she took it out to look at it. I didn't think at the time that she meant to poke me with it. She then asks me if she could help me. I am thinking "not in this lifetime", but politely decline and hope and pray I can find what I want without assistance. Do you think that is gonna happen?? Of course not.

So I wander up to the front and she is standing there on the phone. I kinda look around and wait patiently and try not to appear as though I am not listening. But I was. And I wish I hadn't. Now at 33, I've seen, watched and participated in some strange things. But this had me flabbergasted. Remember, I can only hear one side of the conversation and it went something like this:
"sure, I can bring the numbing cream"
"the black and white panda one?"
"I thought you liked cats better"
Now, at this point, I'm ready to hi-tail it out the door. She says a few more things and gets off the phone. In her most cheery voice, she says "Would you like to come to a pet party tonight?"

Me? Huh? What is that? I'm confused. All I want is something my doctor suggested and here you are inviting me to some type of pet thing. I immediately decline, saying I have plans for the night, thank you anyway. I ask her if they have what I want, she goes directly to the shelf and hands it to me. She then proceeds to ask a million and one questions as to why I want it.

I thought my "freak magnet" neon sign was turned off last August.(My Mom swears I have a neon sign on my head that says I'm a freak magnet) I guess not. I'm still trying to figure it out. I kinda have an idea of what this party is, but am not 100% sure. My question is WHY?? And do I look like a person who would go to one of those?

If the answer is yes to the second question, I give up. I'm just gonna sell usage of my forehead for tattoos. I hear one chick got $10,000 for advertising. I sure hope those bulbs burn out soon.

Ever the student

§I have learned in the last few days that some men as assholes and always will be. (no, I'm not referring to Steve)
§I have learned that when you truly think you are going to lose it completely, you still have a gnat's ass of strength left in you.
§I have learned sometimes you have to let go. Pick your battles.
§I have learned no matter what you try to do, you can't please everyone all the time. You have to make yourself happy first. Yes, obligations do happen, however, don't let someone make you feel like shit because you don't want to do it. When it is all said and done, you are only giving them permission to have some sort of control over you.
§I have learned the body can continue to produce snot long after you stop crying.
§I have learned some days you just need to cry for no reason and you know what? It's okay to do it.
§I have learned children know exactly which phrases to use to make you want to throttle them. But I have also learned which ones to use to make his life miserable.
§I have learned how important family is. However, family isn't everything and they aren't right all the time.
§I have learned society is judgmental. Deal with it. It has been since the beginning of time and I'm not going to change that.
§I have learned when you sacrifice something you truly love, you learn to appreciate it more.
§I have learned it is not necessarily true that if you love something set it free. Damnit, I set something free and the fricken' man won't leave me alone. He haunts my dreams, my waking thoughts and in general makes me a miserable person. Sure, set it free, if it comes back, shoot it.
§I have learned a playground will mess up a perfectly good pedicure. (this one I learned the hard way)
§and finally, I have learned when you love someone and they love you back, it doesn't have to be the story book romance. It's love and that is all I need.

Moments

Do you ever feel like you could be doing so much more for yourself? Here lately, I have had that feeling of something is missing in my life. I haven't pinned it down yet, but I know it's there. To be completely honest, I have everything a woman could ever want. I am spoiled beyond belief. I have a great son (even if he does annoy me at times), who is alive and healthy. I have a cool family. I have enough money that I am not in the streets, I have enough food that I am not hungry and I have a roof over my head. And I have finally found a man who accepts me for me. Yup, even the fact that I am not the perfect person I would love everyone to think I am. I have a great set of friends (real ones and online ones). Yes, I willingly admit to being conceited and spoiled. I rarely fail at things I attempt, with one exception: relationships. But now I don't have to even worry about that.

So, what is missing in my life? For unknown reasons, I continue to come back to God and church. Ok, to be honest, maybe not church so much as a relationship with God. As in, I'm sorely lacking in that department. I am one of those people who only pray when I'm in trouble or need something. No, I don't make "deals" with God, but I don't exactly go out of my way to pray either. I honestly believe that is what is missing in my life. But how to fix it? I'm not ready to return to organized religion. I don't feel I need to be sitting around reading the Bible and preaching to people either. What I do know is I need to get my butt in gear. I'm just not sure where to start anymore.

So, what brought all of this on? The following song was played today on my way home and it hit me. Yes, I've had my moments in the sun, but looking at me, you might not know it. That so applies to me right now. How to fix it is a whole other blog. Recognizing that you need to change is the first step. I just hope I'm not jumping off a cliff.

*if you have speakers, turn it up, you will be able to hear the song*

Emerson Drive
Moments

(Annie Tate/Sam Tate/Dave Berg)

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

They say it's worth a 1000 words

Most of you may or may not know that Lent started yesterday. I spent a lot of the week wondering what am I willing to sacrifice? I went through all the traditional things that I have given up in the past: bread, beef, pork or chicken. I don't really have any food vices to speak of, with the exception of cheese. I don't consider tea as an option, as I would dehydrate in the 40 days (technically 46 but who's counting?) of the Lenten season. So with the food options pretty much out of the question, I decided to look at something I really have a passion for. And it hit me: photography.

Spring is coming, DST is on it's way, as is my 33rd birthday. All of these are reasons for me to grab my camera and go out exploring in my quest for the perfect picture.

I'm wondering if I can do this. I think I can, but it's going to be a struggle. I keep my camera by my bed, charged at all times, and usually throw it in the car when I'm headed out. So, I'm thinking, hide it, but then what type of sacrifice would that be? That is akin to the look but don't touch theory. I am going to keep it beside the bed, charged and ready. Let's see if I can over come temptation.

Most people are probably thinking it's not a big deal, it's just a camera. But to me, it's my passion, second nature. But for the next 45 days, it's going to be the big pink elephant sitting in my room, calling my name. I guess we shall see how things go.

~ A great photograph is a full expression of what one feels about what is being photographed in the deepest sense, and is, thereby, a true expression of what one feels about life in its entirety. ~Ansel Adams

Jacob's Five Questions

A friend of mine, Jacob, posted an intriguing blog where he was asked 5 questions and in turn, will ask you five questions if you ask him. I asked. I'm willing to do the same. Here is the Q & A session:

1. Tell me three funny sex stories, the catches are that you have to be a part of them and they all have to be true.

a. My ex-husband and I would stay at my mother's house when we were in town. On one particular night, we were doing our thing, and I hear "What are you doing to my daughter?" My mother was outside the room, asking "why" I was making all that noise. She had her .22 pistol ready to fire. I probably should have let her.

b. I had an affair with a married man (yeah, I know, shame on me), so we had to sneak. One day, we did not have anywhere to go, so we decide to use his truck. We drive up to the top of his property (wifey would never look up there) and mid stroke, I hear him say, "did I ever tell you my father is buried up here?"

c. I had a boyfriend who decided to sneak through a window. My sister-in-law lived with us at the time. She was in the living room and my bedroom was off to the side. I had just gotten a new kitten that was quite playful at times. All I remember is a scream, a cat meow and my sister-in-law asking my future husband why he had a pussy hanging off his back.

2. Paul Simon says that there are 50 ways to leave your lover, give me three ways you have left some of yours.

a. Crying on his Mother's doorstep.

b. Packed all his clothes, but them in a trash bag and left it at his father's home, called him and told him he now lived with his father.

c. In his probation officer's custody

3. Do you know anybody you'd be willing to give up your life for? Tell me about the first three people that come to your mind.

a. Without hesitation, my son.

b. Any of my brothers and sisters.

c. All of my nieces and nephews.

4. It's video night; give me the three kinds of drinks/snacks you would want to have the most.
a. Gotta have chips and dip.

b. Mild Cheddar Cheese cut from the block, with ranch dressing on the side

c. Club crackers and cheese.

5. Give me three things that are related to the metaphysical or the occult and tell me why you think they are true or give me three things that you think are bullshit and tell me why.

a. There will be a mix of both. Faith healing. I'm not talking about people who pray for one another when prayers are needed. I'm talking about the television evangelist who welcomes the crippled woman up the stage or sells bottled water as a cure all. Suddenly, she's cured. I take serious issue with this, for two reasons. Money, first and deception second. Faith is a powerful thing. Faith is personal. For one to use a person's faith for personal gain is wrong and unethical. I personally feel these are staged shows and refuse to watch.

b. Spirits, ghosts, or haints. Call them what you will. I strongly believe. Why? Because too many things have happened in my life that cannot be explained by any other definition.

c. Psychics. As the old saying goes, if they can foretell the future, how come they are not lottery winners?

Where's my freakin' Prize??????

I was the lucky one to finish the cereal. Ok, well, I thought I was lucky. There was no prize at the bottom. I turned the box inside out, even fished around in my cereal. Nope, no prize.

WTF??? When we were younger, it was a huge grab and growl fest over who got the prize, especially considering we didn't get sweetened cereal all that much. We had Frosted Flakes, but those were Daddy's for his night time snack.

Then to top it all off, my milk tasted kinda funny. Funny as in sweet. I got to looking and it's some kind of sweetened acidophilus milk. I'll give you a forewarning: it's not good!!

I give up, damnit, can't even look forward to the prize in the bottom of the box anymore.

10 Random things

Ok, so I'm in the blogging mood, can you tell? One of the Bloggers I subscribe to has started the 10 random things about you. So, even though ya'll know a lot about me, I'll try to come up with 10 new things that you don't know about me. (This is a challenge for me).

1. When I was younger I wanted 10 kids. (quit laughing, I was young & stupid)

2. I am so allergic to mosquitoes that I instantly swell up and break out.

3. I am the only child of my parents (all of them) to go through the Botetourt County School System.

4. To date, I am the only child of my parents (again, all of them) to graduate from college.

5. I love the smell of a garage. It reminds me of my Daddy.

6. When I was 11, I tried to convince my brother's friend that I was old enough to be his girlfriend. (he was 18/19) *later in life, I eventually did date him*

7. My first official "date" was to my prom.

8. I am terrified of clowns. Almost as much as sharks

9. Until I was in high school, my family had several nicknames for me, they included: Wimp, Minny Mouse, Brat (that one has stuck) and Etheopian.

10. I have battled anorexia for years. Right now, I'm winning, LOL...

I should be sleeping

Yet, I can't get him out of my head. When did this happen? What happened to me? When did it sneak up on me? I have been trying to sleep for hours now and my mind keeps going back to him. Is he asleep yet? Does he miss me as much as I miss him?
All consuming romantic love. He says he's never felt it. Is this an indication that I should run like hell? He says he's never felt what he feels for anyone the way he feels about me. This should be a good thing. Yet, in the same breathe, he says he's never felt an all consuming romantic love like the romance novels. Does this mean I'm not the one? Is he just using me as a means to an end? I know we have a connection. We are both intelligent and have some of the best conversations of my life. He understands my quirky sense of being. But is caring for someone enough to continue a life partnership?
I want the romance novel, all consuming love. I need it. I just don't know if he's capable and if I'm the one. I've already asked him these questions. There are no answers. I came extremely close to losing him on Christmas. I would have left had he not continually reassured me that it's me he wants to be with. I don't doubt that part for a second. I know he cares for me. But it's not the same as love. I want him to feel as though he can't live without me. I want the fairy tale, I want it all. I just wish I knew how to get it.

Here I go again

Since the last journal was compromised, here I go again. I guess we will see how long this one lasts, I hate that I lost all the others, but it was for the best, I suppose.
Let's see, I guess I'm supposed to start off as usual, with my day, etc.
My day sucked, the car broke-again. It's either the plug wires or the plugs. Don't know. Then Steve did not have patience at all tonight. I understand where he's coming from, he's never been around children. It seems my son is trying to test his patience. It also seems that Steve is up for a good challenge. I have a feeling that Steve will win this battle.
I got to talk to Gary this afternoon. It was really good to hear his voice. Some days I wonder what exactly is it that I felt for him, if that makes sense at all. Lord knows I don't have the same feelings for Steve that I have for Gary. I dunno, I'm confused. I reckon because I thought I was gonna lose Steve tonight over Andrew and it scared me. Scared me big time. So what is this?
I also got a phone call from Kevin. That was like talking to an old friend. There was no warm fuzzy feelings or anything like that, just one of those phone calls where you want to make sure the other person is ok because it's been so long since you talked to them. I'm not confused on the Kevin matter. It's over & done with. The pain is gone, I guess. I don't really ever think about it anymore. I guess the old saying about time will tell is true. Damnit, all these men and I can't pin down a "label" for any of them. I can say Gary is my best friend. I feel so comfortable and safe with him. I wish he felt the same. Ahhh, well, can't change the past.
Ok, well, I guess I'm done rambling.

Platonic Relationships

I must have a freakin' radar on me that send out signals when I suddenly become single. My mom has always said I had a neon light hanging over my head that said "freak magnet", well, that little light got turned off and now I'm working off of a damn radar.

How do they know? The one person I want to know how I feel is Gary. At this point, he is the only guy that I want to know any of my feelings. But it's nice to know that all the other ones still care.

On to the original topic. Everyone wants to know how I can maintain a platonic relationship with guys. Well, it's pretty simple in my eyes. There are a lot of really nice guys out there who simply are unavailable or I'm not attracted to. But that doesn't mean they cannot be my friends. Just because I am friends with a man, does not constitute a sexual relationship, even if there was one previously. I was told recently some very good advice, stay away from friends as potential mates. I have always been friends first with the men I have had relationships with. I guess my problem is I ended up in relationships with 2 of them, sadly neither who can claim the title of being the love of my life, soulmate, etc. And the other one, well, we all see what happened there. Although I can't say we were friends for a long time like Tim & I or Kevin & I, I can say we were very close. He knows things about me that no other man ever has.

This morning, I get a knock on the door. It was one of my oldest friends, haven't seen him in a while. It was as if we had never missed a beat. They say friendship is best shared over coffee and all that crap, bullshit, give me some sweet tea, a pack of cigarettes and I'm good to go. He has changed a lot. Gotten older, I guess. I was surprised to learn he is 44. He kept telling me I had a glow. We got the giggles over that one, 'cause I kept telling him it was the sun. He said he was serious and told me my eyes lit up when I talked about what my life has been like up until yesterday. Yet another reason why I like my male friends. They don't bullshit you on your looks. If you look like hell, they tell you. He told me I had dark circles under my eyes. LMAO, something every girl wants to hear at 10 am in the morning. He likes my hair long, he has decided. I was thinking about going ahead and getting it cut off to one length, but so far 2 people have threatened me with bodily harm if I do so. On that note, I believe I'll let it grow some more.
But I digress...a friend of mine asked me last night, how do you know if it's a strictly platonic friendship? Well, there is no sex involved is the first "rule" I have. They even attempt the break that rule, they are gone. I am not easy and I do not give my body to just anyone. Second, they treat you like one of the guys. And this seems to bother a lot of women. I guess it's a lot easier on me growing up with two brothers, then having a younger one. We can sit and talk about everything from guns to bragging about the deer we have seen. And that is cool with me. And last and most important, they listen. Most women kinda listen and then give you some fluffy bullshit answer they think you want to hear. Not guys, nope, they can be brutal.

So my question to all my friends, do you believe in platonic friendships? Can they happen? Do you believe former lovers can be involved in a platonic friendship?

If A Man Wants You

In light of what has been going on here lately, I think this is pretty good advice. It came from a special friend on a message board who has always been there to listen to my rants, raves and boo hooing. Thanks for the reminder Jovi!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.