The locket

Today is our 1st anniversary. Tonight I got a surprise. It's pictured below. I have wanted a locket since Andrew was a baby and he accidently broke mine. Now, I need a picture of the two men in my life.
It's hard to believe it has been a year already and what a year it has been. I personally am looking forward to the next 100 or so years....And since I am now a *single* woman again, I can't think of any else I would rather spend my life with.

Mother’s Day

Sunday is Mother's Day. I guess as a mother, I'm supposed to be all excited and feel honored, I'm sure I should feel some emotion other than "it's just another day". I feel this way towards my own mothers, not just about me being a mother. I always tell my mother and my Mom that I love them, miss them and how much I need them. Maybe it's a female bonding thing? I'm not sure.

I have never made it a secret that I did not plan on having children. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, it was about the same time as the death of my Nannie. I somehow thought it was Divine Intervention. It was a gift from God to "make up for" taking my beloved Nanny. We all know how that turned out.

I wasn't very kind to my body during the beginning of my pregnancy. Not knowing, I drank, did drugs, smoked, ran around, partied my ass off and lost over 35 lbs. Once I found out I was expecting again, I was devastated. Not only was I going to have a baby, but also I was alone in the world (Dale was not around and Kevin had went back to his wife). But not once did the thought of giving up my child or having an abortion cross my mind. The only thought that plagued me was losing the baby as I had lost the other ones. Against all odds, he is the one who survived. I've always called Drew my "miracle child". This child has had it rough when it comes to me being his Mama.

I remember the first time he called me Mama. I almost freaked out and at the same time, I was thrilled. 9 years later, I still get that butterfly feeling when I hear my son laugh or call me Mama.

I won't lie; being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Everyday there is something new, something else to contend with. I have found what works for one child, does not work with another. There is not a book, an instructional manual or a do it yourself video to prepare you for having a child. Or for being the mother of that child.

I am not perfect. I know I will never be nominated for the mother of the year award. I have no patience. I scream at my child. He screams at me just as loud. I lose my temper and stomp off, terrified that I will somehow hurt him with my words. There are days when I wish he would leave me alone. There are days I wish he would pay more attention to me. Seeing him walk off to the bus stop by himself for the first time the other day almost broke my heart. But when he comes home, sits on my lap and puts his arms around me and tells me he loves me, it all disappears, it makes being a mother worth it.

I guess when I think of Mother's Day, I think about the little things that Andrew and I share. Not the fact that I am his mother or that I should get accolades for having a child. I am content with just being Mama. Anyone can be a "mother", but it feels so much better when you are called Mama.




Clay Walker--"Fore She Was Mama"



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My favorite season is confused

Everyone knows it doesn't take much to confuse me. Earlier in the week, I had settled nicely into the fact that it was Spring. After all, this year's flip flops had been bought, shorts had been pulled out, it was my birthday and the Easter Bunny is on his way. And almost as important, the hard top had come off the Miata. No, the rag top hadn't been put down yet, but that day is quickly approaching or so I thought.

Yesterday, I'm on my way up the mountain to Steve's house and suddenly, it was snowing. Yup, the white stuff we did not get earlier in the year. You know, while it was still WINTER. I wake up this morning and as I take Alyssa doggie out, I realized that it was only the 2nd time this year I had seen the white stuff and the first time ever that my little red ride had ever been in snow while underdressed.
After searching the house for the camera (I consider Lent over as of Good Friday), I go back out and get some pictures.



My poor little ride, I'm sure it's confused and shivering, wondering what in the heck happened to that 80° weather.
Poor little flowers just now stuck their heads out and look what happened to them. The tulip has a defeated look about it.
My baby got me a Vermont Teddy Bear. Winston's first companion, Olivia was brutally disembowled during a fight with the ex. Steve, being the perfect boyfriend that he is (and he really, really is!!!), got me Isabelle. But we decided she would probably go by the name Izzy.
I finally got to meet Carol after 4 years, woo hoo!! She gave me a great birthday present: a pedicure. So, to show off her great work and my really cool color (Pompeii Pink) here ya go:
I never knew how hard it is to take a picture of your own feet. But it is, especially if you are using a webcam.
Ok, I'm going to wrap this up, I have to go play Easter Bunny for Andrew and I haven't gotten him a thing! Hope everyone has a great Easter!!

They say it's worth a 1000 words

Most of you may or may not know that Lent started yesterday. I spent a lot of the week wondering what am I willing to sacrifice? I went through all the traditional things that I have given up in the past: bread, beef, pork or chicken. I don't really have any food vices to speak of, with the exception of cheese. I don't consider tea as an option, as I would dehydrate in the 40 days (technically 46 but who's counting?) of the Lenten season. So with the food options pretty much out of the question, I decided to look at something I really have a passion for. And it hit me: photography.

Spring is coming, DST is on it's way, as is my 33rd birthday. All of these are reasons for me to grab my camera and go out exploring in my quest for the perfect picture.

I'm wondering if I can do this. I think I can, but it's going to be a struggle. I keep my camera by my bed, charged at all times, and usually throw it in the car when I'm headed out. So, I'm thinking, hide it, but then what type of sacrifice would that be? That is akin to the look but don't touch theory. I am going to keep it beside the bed, charged and ready. Let's see if I can over come temptation.

Most people are probably thinking it's not a big deal, it's just a camera. But to me, it's my passion, second nature. But for the next 45 days, it's going to be the big pink elephant sitting in my room, calling my name. I guess we shall see how things go.

~ A great photograph is a full expression of what one feels about what is being photographed in the deepest sense, and is, thereby, a true expression of what one feels about life in its entirety. ~Ansel Adams

Revision of one of my die hard theories

A friend of mine and I recently was discussing Valentine's Day. She asked what was the particular reason I chose not to celebrate it. My first response has always been I do not need a day to tell someone that I love them. Which is true. I try to tell my loved ones every time I talk to them that I love them. Standard goodbye is usually "ok, love you, be careful, bye". I learned a long time ago to tell people you love them before it's too late. I have heard so many horror stories about people not being able to really tell someone how much they meant to them and when they finally did, it was usually to a pine box and the shell of the person. I never, ever want to be standing over a dead loved one, wishing I had told them I loved them.

Back to my theory on Valentine's Day, it has not always been this way. I used to celebrate with Dale. I don't think I was ever involved with anyone else long enough to celebrate it. If I was, I don't remember it. Kevin was always in jail, so I guess that is how it got pushed to the side. I've always done something for Andrew, even if it's just a card and some candy.

So, as we were talking and she was giving me history of Valentine's Day, she was encouraging me to give it another chance. It's in remembrance of a Saint after all. She made an excellent point. Just because Kevin fucked up every holiday and birthday you ever had, why should that stop you from celebrating with the one you love now?

Hmm, never thought of it that way. I guess I do have a lot of "baggage" I brought with me to my new relationship because of him. A lot of it, I can honestly say, I have gotten over. But the holiday thing is still there. I expect the worst. So, for the sake of not letting him run my life anymore, I've decided to celebrate Valentine's Day.

Sorry Steve. I know you were expecting not to have to be all romantic, but you can do it for me, 1 day out of the year. Honestly, the rest of the time, I could give a rat's ass if you are romantic or not. LOL. And that is my new theory on Valentine's Day.

Ok, it can start now

The holidays can start, I've seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas and I actually went to the mall. Woo Hoo, sometimes, I even impress myself.

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Those numbers in Red on your calender

As I get older, I have come to detest holidays. I've heard a lot of parents say they can relive their youth through their children and holidays. Well here are my thoughts on that statement: It sucked the first time around, so why do it again?
Actually, to be fair about things, my childhood holiday memories are not too bad. I think mainly because my Nannie was included in them.

Once I started my first relationship, I soon realized that holidays were nothing more than rushing from one house to another, plastering a smile on your face and pretending to like your SO in-laws, praying to God that it would be over soon so that I could go back home and prop my ass in front of the TV., where I wanted to be in the first place. Well, that was the case with every previous relationship I've had. Then in 1996, holidays became a "chore" for me. That year, the glue of my family passed away. Then a week before Thanksgiving, my son and daughter died. So needless to say, Thanksgiving was not a time of thanks for me that year. And every year after it became a little harder to convince myself this was for the "good of the family".
Andrew came along and soon, my Thanksgiving Day became divided into 3 parts: my family, my SO's family and having family time with Andrew. Since Dale's family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, I get Andrew on Christmas Day. So to be fair about it, he has Andrew on Thanksgiving. They usually have a lunch, around 1 p.m. or so. I gotta throw in that I miss Sissy's sweet potato casserole. I still get a bowl every year. Perfect opportunity to "off" me, but they still love me, lol. But I digress; my family changes times from year to year. Depending on what everyone's in-laws are doing. So it seems this year we are having Thanksgiving, umm, "brunch", we will call it. Somewhere around 11:30-12. Too early for me to eat and too early for me to get Andrew.

So my thoughts on it all, is what is the point? I can't get my son, I see my family every week, we have a family dinner at the very least once a month, why do I have to drag my butt out of bed and go sit and look at them only to have a special meal. Yes, I know the history on Thanksgiving. Don't even get me started on that from a Native's point of view.

I guess my point is: Why would I need a special day to give Thanks, see my family & eat? I do this regularly. I don't need a day set aside to do it.
I'm starting to think Holidays should be optional. If you wanna come, fine, come, eat, drink & pretend to be happy. If you don't, sit your ass at home and watch whatever Marathon is on for the day.

I was telling Steve last night, there should be 3-4 holidays in a year. So here is Amie's Red letter days:

1.Christmas, which should be celebrated as it was meant to be, a religious holiday, not a commercial one.

2.Easter, because of the religious aspect.

3.April 2nd, my birthday, 'cause come on, let's face it; God broke the mold after me.

4. July 4th, because I like the fireworks and we should celebrate our country's independence.

Ok, maybe I'll concede and say let's throw in a Memorial Day/Veteran's Day in there, 'cause our Armed Forces should be honored and remembered. Valentine's Day is a complete waste of time, with or without a relationship. Another day I could ramble on for hours about.

But other than those, the rest of holidays should just be another black day on the calendar. But for the sake of my son, I reckon I'll play along for a few more years. But once he is able to drive himself to these events, he's on his own.