Sex , Lies and Videotape??

When meeting my boyfriend, I knew he was quite the perv, as I can be at times. However, what I did not know is that he would continue his conquests online. And how did I find out this information? He left a website page logged onto my computer. I found it accidentally when I went to view the page (we both belong to this particular forum).
I'm pissed beyond reason. I have no idea what I should do. I did tell him about finding it but I didn't go into details. No clue what to do.

Is cyber sex considered cheating?

shhh, I'm hunting wabbits again

We took Andrew out over the weekend for his first time shooting a pistol. He seemed to really like it. He actually paid attention to what he was doing and he listened very well to Steve. Sadly, like his Mama, he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. We'll work on that later.

I took the pumpkin left over from Halloween and we all took turns trying to "carve" a new face for it.


So here are the pics.

The locket

Today is our 1st anniversary. Tonight I got a surprise. It's pictured below. I have wanted a locket since Andrew was a baby and he accidently broke mine. Now, I need a picture of the two men in my life.
It's hard to believe it has been a year already and what a year it has been. I personally am looking forward to the next 100 or so years....And since I am now a *single* woman again, I can't think of any else I would rather spend my life with.

You too can be gansta

Today I think I have repented every sin I have ever committed. The reason? I have had a taste of hell today with the temperature being over 100 degrees. I know without a doubt I do not want to go to hell if it fells ever remotely this hot. And I'm assuming it is kinda hot down there, with all that fire and brimstone the T.V. preachers talk about.

On to my point, I went shopping today to get out of the house, because the A/C was broke. I can't tolerate heat as well as I used to since starting the chemo. Shopping and a hair cut sounded really good. I'm sure Heather would applaud my good sense. Walking around the mall, Jac and I decided we "needed" new purses. And this is what I found.

I know it's a crappy picture, but it's from a camera phone. Those things on top are "brass knuckles" and the straps are made from chain link. Ummm....ok. Not sure who the target consumer was when this product was designed but they sure missed their mark when they put it in our town. But it is nice to know if I ever need a set, I can go to my local mall, get this purse and smack the shit out of someone. Much better than the concealed weapon I was planning on putting in there to begin with.

1 year ago today, I met the man who would become my best friend. So, I just wanted to tell him that I really appreciate all you've done for me in the last year. The whining, crying, screaming and laughing you've had to put up with, I thank you for. I am very happy that you are reaching your goal of having your own shop. I hope you know you will always have me standing beside you, cheering you on. Like I said a few weeks ago, if it wasn't for you, I would have never met Steve. So thanks for making me see things I didn't want to and teaching me to go on with my life. I love ya and I'm very proud of you. Just remember, I'm boss, I'm immortal and things will be just fine.

Kool-Aide Flavored Lunchmeat Anyone?

This is a bitch session, if you don't want to read complains, you may want to stop here.

You can either laugh or cry when things aren't going your way. But have you ever cried so much you started laughing? I have. And being the world's biggest snot producer, believe me when I say, it is not a pretty sight.

It started last night when I couldn't get to sleep. The new kitten has decided since I look nice and fluffy, she will use me as her personal pillow. As the upstairs is hot as Hades, I wasn't a happy camper. An 8/9 week old kitten does NOT know the word no. Finally dozing off, I woke to this horrible beeping sound. In my head, I was telling my sister to turn off her fucking alarm before it hit the wall. As I came awake, I realized I was alone and it was Steve's alarm. Smacking every button and turning every knob, I finally got the damn thing to shut up. I lay there, rubbing the sleep from my eyes when it hits me, a wave of nausea. I lie back down, smoke a cigarette and try to stifle the urge to hurl. I was successful.

I should have known when Steve came upstairs and complained about the upstairs needing cleaning and then the dog started barking that I was in for it. I pull on clothes and stumble downstairs. I have no idea at this point where Steve went, but I make it to the kitchen. My earlier attempt to keep last night's dinner was not so successful this time. Luckily, the kid was there to help me. I go into the living room and plop down, thinking I am going back to bed, I feel like shit barely warmed over. But no, it just wasn't going to happen today. Steve is frustrated and heads off to work, early. I sit there for a few minutes, check my email and smoke. After hearing it was going to be 93 today, I decide to get our little blow up pool cleaned up and refilled.

Thinking this was a good idea; I go to get the blower-upper thingy. I hear Andrew say, " That's just nasty Alyssa". Knowing, it takes a lot to make my kid's stomach turn, I knew I had better check things out. Alyssa had decided to follow in my footsteps and leave her breakfast on the carpet. Ya know, at least I made it to the trashcan. She could have had the decency to do it on the linoleum. I get that cleaned up and we finally head outside.

Standing outside at 8 a.m. getting sprayed "accidentally" was not helping my mood. After several smacks on the butt, Andrew gets my point and decides to behave. At this point, I'm thinking the day may just redeem itself. That is what I get for thinking. We go inside as the pool fills up. Throwing all our clothes in the dryer, I tell Andrew to decide what he wants to eat.

Andrew decides he wants bacon, eggs and toast for breakfast. Cool deal, I can handle that. I've never cooked eggs any other way than scrambled, but I'm sure I can do this. Yeah, well, if you don't like them fried hard, I'm not the person to cook breakfast for you. After 2 attempts I get the yoke, unpopped, into the frying pan. Feeling rather proud of myself, I get all of Andrew's food onto his plate. I told him to get something to drink and we will go watch t.v. until the pool is filled.

I then hear a thud, coming from the refrigerator. Knowing this is not a good sign, I look around and there is red Kool-Aide coming out of the refrigerator. As in, pouring out. And what is my dear son doing? Standing there with huge tears in his eyes. Somehow I manage to get a towel on the floor, but the Kool-Aide has already ran down the back of the fridge, into the drawers, pretty much drowning any food in paper containers. Luckily, we need to go to the grocery store anyway.

Our sink is screwed up. If you run water in one side, the other side starts bubbling back up. Knowing I could not clean the shelves in the kitchen, I have to carry everything into the bathroom, scrub it down, dry it and take it back. There was some unidentifiable lunchmeat, which now resides in the trashcan. I managed to salvage everything else.

I finally get it all cleaned up. I sit down to smoke a cigarette and look out the window. Guess what we forgot? The pool. There was enough water in the pool to let water run out on all 4 sides (and it was sloped downhill). The squirrels were on top of the clothesline pole; their little food haven had turned into a lake.

I guess it's a good thing we don't pay for water. All of this and it's only 9:19. I wonder what else the day has in store for me. I'm almost afraid to speculate. But at least I have a clean refrigerator and the grass has been watered. The rest will have to wait.

Finally, A place to call our own

As most of you know, we now have a house. This week is the week where we pack and move. Steve has most of his packing done. I, on the other hand, have zilch, nada, zip, zero. In my defense, I have been staying with him and not here at my own house. But today, here I am, I've been home for almost 6 hours and not a damn box packed yet. I am the world's worst procrastinator.

After I finish screwing off on here, I'm going to go downstairs and pack up the kitchen. I was thinking if we have the kitchen and the bathroom ready, all the other stuff would fall into place. I, at least want one sanctuary ready before the chaos begins. I figure the bathroom is a good place to start. Because as everyone knows, the bathroom is your favorite place if you have a child, particularly if the bathroom has a lock! The kitchen is a necessity. My sister Jac is coming to help me clean, and put things into place.

In a week's time, for the first time in my life, I will be living with a man without the sanctity of marriage. Still not quite sure how I deep down honestly feel about it, but I know that things will work out. I finally took my father's advice (and permission) and am going to try the living together thing. But I am scared in a way. Not that Steve and I won't get along or anything of that nature. I guess I'm scared that I will not live up to his expectations. I'm scared my kid will try to run him off (that is a battle he won't win). Hell, I'm even afraid our cats will never learn to get along (a weekend together proved my cat is a wuss). I'm sure, after a few nights of all of us under one roof, all of these fears will not only be unfounded, but also prove to be down right silly. I, for one, am certainly hoping so.

So, I suppose it's time I stop sitting around here wondering what things will be like and time to go make it happen.

Shhh, be very, very quiet, I'm hunting wabbits

This past Saturday, I went and took a First Steps Pistol Class. Steve's mom, Susan, was the instructor. Growing up around guns, I "thought" I was a safe shooter when it came to firearms. 1. This is what I get for "thinking" and 2. I'm glad I never shot anyone in all my excursions with a gun (rifle or otherwise).

Here in Botetourt County, before all the b.s. about guns became around, it was nothing to see a shotgun or rifle in the back of one of your classmates trucks. I can even remember when we all got the first day of hunting season off. When we got to 7^th grade, during gym class, we took Hunter Education. Mr. Agnor taught this class and honestly, I'm not sure if I paid attention to the material or if I was too busy drooling. My friend Christy was in my gym class...did we pay attention? At any rate, we had to have this class to get our hunting license once we turned 16. So, I took it and all these years, thought I was "safe". I was horribly mistaken.

First thing I took away from this class was trigger safety. I will admit, I would keep my finger on the trigger once the gun or handgun was in place. If something interrupted me, well, the gun went with my hand. As I said before, I'm lucky no one ever got shot. Kinda like new drivers, when they look at something, the wheel sort of turns with their head. Anyway, I now know where to keep my finger.

I also figured out I can't hit the broad side of a barn with both eyes open. Being left eye dominant and right handed is a hindrance when it comes to shooting a gun or a bow. I have learned to shoot a bow left-handed and a rifle left handed, but still can't quite get a handgun down pat. I now feel like Elmer Fudd when he was trying to shoot Bugs Bunny. Somehow, Bugs always managed to get away and Elmer Fudd was left looking around wondering what had just happened. So when it came down to the practical part of the class, I was screwed. I did hit the target (I think), but not very often. Good thing I wasn't graded on marksmanship. I would have been up shit creek.

I'm really glad I took the class. I learned a lot more that I thought I would. The class didn't just cover safety; it also went into parts of the pistol, ammunition, cleaning, storing and the fundamentals of shooting. I have to say, I would definitely recommend everyone taking this class if they are going to be a gun owner. Now that I think about it, it's kinda scary that all these people have guns and have never had any "formal" training at all. Hell, I grew up around guns and still wasn't as trained as I thought I was. That kinda knocked me down a notch or two. Nothing like humility to make a person remember where they came from.

After the class, I got to shoot one of Steve's "big guns", as mentioned in the previous blog. I really, really liked that. I can see why he likes his guns.
We got to spend the day with his Mom and that was cool. I like her teaching style and I can see a lot of her in Steve, especially when it comes to patience. All in all, we had a good day.

So that was my big adventure for the weekend. No plans for this one coming up, I have a feeling it will be our last one before we have to start getting moved and such. Yet again, that is another blog...

oooo laaa laaa, A new love

I never knew guns could be sexy, seductive or make a person feel powerful. Then I watched Steve shoot his latest, greatest toy.

Then I got to shoot it. Whew.....I'm in love. (with Steve of course). Somehow we didn't get pics of me shooting. I think he was too busy making sure I wasn't going to shoot his ass to grab the camera.

I don't know what it is, a Greek made something or another, if you want details, ask him. I just know I really like that gun.
More details to come on the latest melodrama that is my life. And all about how I can't hit the broad side of a barn.

all together now...awww

I can't get Steve to say "aww, ain't that cute" to save my life. Ok, well, if there were cheerleaders, maybe. But I found a website that even the hard asses have to say "aww". Here it is:

http://cuteoverload.com

A kid with a new toy

For the first time in my life, I am what I consider stable. Stable as in:
my relationship with Steve
my relationship with my son
financially
emotionally (yeah, I have my days, but who doesn't)
In the past, stable = predictable. I didn't like predictable. I like being able to get up, jump in the Miata and just go. Go where? Anywhere. Away from my life. Away from the day to day stressors that come along with being an adult. I am the one who used to run when the going got tough. First time there was a sign of trouble, I was gone. Literally. Whether it be a relationship, family problems or emotional. If I could not physically leave, I would make sure I self medicated enough to mentally leave.

When I enter into a relationship, most of the time, it's all about the intense feelings that come with being infatuated with someone. If you've ever done drugs, you know what I'm talking about. You continually chase that first high. But, like a kid with a new toy, those feelings wear off. Being the shallow person that I am, I can admit, it takes a lot to keep me interested. Yes, I can withstand a long term relationship, in fact that is all I have ever had. Sure, I have dated and had my share of flings, but oddly enough, even that did not give me the feeling of elation that I wanted. It only left me wonder what was next. So again, I would run.

So once Kevin was gone for good this time. I decided that I wasn't going to get involved with any more men. I was going to stay single. Yeah, well that lasted all of about 10 months. And the first man I met was so much like the sober Kevin, I clung to him. Thank God he had the good sense to point that out to me. So, we ended up being pretty good friends. I haven't talked to him in a while, but I know that if I need to unload he's there for me. I do consider him one of my best friends.

And then there is Steve. My world got turned completely upside down on that one. I wasn't looking, I was scared and I was tired of being hurt.
It took a while, but I started to realize that I was looking forward to his calls, little emails saying hey. The new toy (sorry baby) feeling didn't go away as I expected it to. It's been 7 months now and I still feel like the kid with the new toy. It's like the triple shake from McDonald's, shake it up, and you never know what you are gonna get, but whatever it is, it's good.

Over the last month, I have realized that stable = predictable is a good thing. I like knowing that on Thursdays, we will see each other, on Fridays, I go to his house, Saturdays and Sundays we just hang out and maybe visit family. For once in my life, I don't want to run. Yes, I have felt the need to run, but not because of him. Never because of him. It's always been outside influences that have made me want to bolt. But knowing that I would lose possibly the best thing that ever happened to me, I realize it's not worth it.

So why am I rambling, probably making no sense whatsoever? Because someone close to me has decided to have an affair. Possibly ruining the best thing in their life. It almost breaks my heart, knowing that this person could lose what took so many years to build. And for what? Meaningless sex? Ppfftt on that. So, before you (and not that any of my readers would) decide to go out and have a fling, step back and remember that new toy feeling. Reach down deep inside and find that feeling again, don't risk it all over something that will fade away in a few weeks anyway.

Coming from me, the person who was once morally corrupt when it came to faithfulness, it truly is not worth the risk.

Stable = predictable, sounds pretty good to me. And one of the best parts? I now have someone to jump in the Miata and go with me and that in itself is a really good feeling.

I told you she created a monster

From my Mom:
Hey girl, I taught you better than that...... Are you really going to just stick your head in a hole and think the world will go away? Pout, have a pity party and then pull yourself up, stand tall, hold that head up and face the world. And if you really love him, don't let him "just" walk away... Don't you dare use this as an excuse to quit living. email me........ where's my "monster"?

After being rudely awaken by an elbow to my side and being told there wasn't enough room to work on the airbags, I finally decided to get up. And the above is what I find. At first, I thought, I'm not doing that. And then I realized, she's right, I am hiding. I haven't called any of my friends, I haven't been home in a week and in general, I've been a turd.

To put things mildly, I've had a rough week. Jealously that escalated to a fight was the beginning. Got that cleared up. And to answer not only her, but everyone else, I do love him. It is hard to describe. It's not a deep, needy, obsessive, "I need to take care of you" love like it was with Kevin. It's not the "get me out of here, well, I'll stay with you because you are the father of my kid" love as it was with Dale. And it's not the warped whatever you want to call it relationship I had with Tim. And as I told Andrew, we don't count Joseph, he was, simply put, a mistake that I barely remember.
Whatever it is that Steve and I have is not clouded with delusions of changing someone, fixing them to suit you or molding yourself for them. I really, truly and honestly believe that for the first time in my life, I am in love. And no, he did not walk away. And neither did I. We walked towards each other and sat down like adults and talked it out.

To make things so much more fun, my body is showing its ass, as my Mama would say. It has decided to throw a few kidney stones my way. And to top it all off, I have surgery in two weeks. Surgery that will once again change my life. I'm not looking forward to it, but it is an evil that must be dealt with. I am terrified to no end. I do not understand why I keep having reoccurances. But it's not my place to question, I am just kinda dealing with it. Ok, let's be completely honest, I'm avoiding thinking about it. As Steve and I decided the other day, I have too many irons in the fire. (one is about to be removed, I graduate in less than a month!!)

So, to all my dear friends who over the last few days called and wrote, I apologize for not being my chipper self. A special heads up to Gary and Janie. Immediately, they knew something was up, more so than my usual drama. As for Heather and Nikki, I am blessed to have been taken in by your family. I thank you all for taking the time to care. I'm very lucky for each and every one of you. And as always, thanks Mom, for giving me the reality check that I really needed.

So, with that being said, I'm going to go check on Steve and his dreams of working on airbags. I seriously hope it didn't blow up on him.

And Yet

he walked away.

Just as every one else has.

I should be used to it by now. But somehow, I am not.

Lost

I'm being selfish and having a brat attack at the moment, so bear with me. My father has always said: "You are old enough for your wants not to hurt you". I hated hearing that phrase growing up. (I also hated hearing "does a bear shit in the woods" when asking an, oh so obvious question, but that is a whole other blog).

For the next 3 weeks, he will be gone. I realize with all the modern technology, other than the distance, it will feel like a normal week. I will still be able to talk to him every day. I am very lucky, considering some of my friend's husbands are serving our country and they do not get to talk to them as often as they would like to. I must confess, I would not have made a good military wife, I'm glad he is out. But damnit, I want him to be home, only 40 miles away. I feel lost. I want to be there or him be here. Logically, I understand why he's gone. I see the rational in going away. But the irrational side of me is having the biggest hissy fit.

I don't have a clue why I wrote all this or even if it made sense. All I know is I can't wait until he comes home. It's only been 6 1/2 hours since I saw him last and it seems like forever.

I'm gonna stop with one last thought. Why is it the ones you want to stay in your life, leave all too soon and the ones you don't want are like a booger that keeps sticking to your finger???

Well, I didn't poison him

Well, dinner went well, I reckon. He left in one piece and got home in one piece. I didn't poison him or myself.

And the best part: nothing got burned!!

As easy as it was to cook dinner, I still hate to do it. But, I will. I mean, he needs fed and is all skinny & stuff. I even cleaned up my mess.

On a side note, Andrew cooked me eggs today. Poor kid, has learned already, if you wanna eat in this house, cook it yourself!!
There was no school play he was *sick* and stayed home with me and entertained me all day.

Part II of the Report Card Saga

As expected, nothing is going to happen to my son. To me, this is the equivalent of saying "that's ok, you can continue on this path". What type of example is this setting for him? If he thinks he can get away with not putting forth his best effort now, what will he be like in 10 years? If he would put 1/2 the effort into his school work as he puts into his Nintendo, X-Box and Playstation, he would be doing great.
I do have to say that Tysone was on my side. She took away his games. But Dale just seemed to think it was ok and we would wait until mid term reports to come out and see how things are going. Then the best line of all came "well, I didn't like school, it only makes sense that he wouldn't either"...like I said earlier, stupidity at its finest.
I'm so frustrated. I feel as though I have NO say in this at all. Yet one more reason why he should be in one home and not jumping from house to house. It's out of my hands now. I guess we shall see what happens.
On the upside, he asked me when Steve & I are getting married (kinda jumping to conclusions there isn't he?) He has decided he really likes Steve and wants him to be part of our lives. I asked what he thought about me moving, and he said as long as he gets a bedroom, he won't mind. So, I'm in a much, much better mood now. I have my son's blessing with my new relationship and that makes everything seem better somehow.

I should have a warning label

Tomorrow is Andrew's school Christmas play. Oh excuse me, Winter Holiday Play. Anyway, Steve has agreed to go (woo hoo). But first he's gonna come over & I'm gonna fix some supper. Yup. He's gonna eat MY cooking. Thank God Richie has been wrapped up in his own life here lately to give him the "speech" on my cooking. Dale being the turd that he is laughed so hard he choked when he heard I was gonna cook. I swear, you burn water ONE time and you never hear the end of it. I have been craving tacos, so I'm gonna fix those. I mean, how can I mess that up? Mama then informs me that if I'm trying to "catch" him, maybe I should forewarn him of my nonexistant cooking skills. She then decides he's so skinny that he needs a good cook and maybe I should take some cooking classes or something? LMAO.

Ok, so I'm not freakin' Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart, but I can cook. I just choose not to, for the most part. I have this thing about cooking. I know it's supposed to work like this; but it irritates me to no end: everything gets done at once. So I'm trying to grab stuff out of the oven, turn stuff off, pull things off the burner so it doesn't burn, and then you gotta make sure it's all done and not over cooked. Then you are expected to eat it? Shit on all that. I'll stick to simple things or as I have done in the past, you cook, I'll clean. Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me.
So, I have already went to the grocery store and got everything, then told various people about it, they start freaking me out.

Ok, to end this seemingly boring, gotta get it out before I explode blog, go check out Steve's blog. Steve's Famous Or should it be infamous? hmmm...either way, I think I'll keep him. Wait, maybe I should wait to make sure he survives tomorrow night...LMAO.

All my ex's should live in Texas

This weekend was the weekend from Hell when it came to the EX's. I think they should be outlawed. Literally. If you don't have a child with them, they should just *poof* disappear. Well, not mine. One likes to torture me with words, the other one likes to beg. The one who tortures me and calls me a "bad mother" decided it was a good idea to harass me last night. I think it's very impolite to call a person who can NEVER have children again and tell them your new wife is pregnant, especially when the 10 year anniversary of your children's death is in less than a week. Maybe it's just me? Dunno, just kinda think it's mean and spiteful. But I know my son will be a great big brother and I do wish them good luck. Honestly, I really do. The other one, seeing as his only means of communication is writing, decided to write two letters. And of course the first one was begging me not to leave his ass (umm, hello, I'm not the one who is in prison for being a crack head???), and the second one was about my son. I won't go into that one. I got it taken care of.

On to "happier stuff", Thursday we went to my sisters for dinner. Jac, Mama & Terry did not chew Steve up and spit him out. I somehow fully expected them to rip him a new one with questions. I must say they were very polite. Hell, I only caught a few jabs from Terry. Mostly about cooking and me being an airhead. (Yes, I am a self-professed airhead) This morning, Mama told me that she liked Steve because he let her dog sit on his lap. As if he had a choice Anyway, that's kinda nice to know, because so far the two people my Mama has ever liked has been Dale and Tim.

The weekend was good. I have found that you don't come between a man and his computer Steve got to drive the car. And damnit, I was gonna get a picture of it and forgot. Jac was impressed. The last person I let drive it was my Daddy, and I wasn't around to see it. I only got us "lost" once and technically it wasn't lost, I knew the road we was on, I just went in the wrong direction. By the time we got back to his house, I was shivering.

Le got a job. She is going to be working in the kitchen at the Mission Home. Not around knives though. I'm so very proud of her. Damnit, I miss her. I told her the other day, if I thought I could get away with it, I would be gone tomorrow. I'd pack my stuff and go. I'd love to live out there with my Daddy for a while, but I'd really miss my Mama. And I have about a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting permission for Andrew to go with me. But he really, really needs to learn his heritage. There is so much that I can't teach him.
Speaking of Andrew, he's got a crush. The object of his affection is a little girl who he has gone to school with since kindergarten whose name is Brianna. She's a beautiful little girl. He went with me into the store, spotted her, his face went red, he started sputtering, and behind my back he went. I swear, now I know what they are talking about when they say "hiding behind Mama's skirts". I grilled him about it on the way to school and he kept telling me to be quiet. The whole time he denied it, but you could see his little face just light up. Steve told me not to mess it up for him. How could I, his Mama, mess this up for him? **Sigh** my baby is growing up. He'll be 9 in a little over 2 months.

I am going to wrap this up now; just wanted to update everyone on life in my world. At least the world has stopped spinning so fast and I can finally take a look at what is going on around me and enjoy it. About freakin' time. And right now, from where I stand, things are looking pretty good.

Do you think he's a military prick?

Ok, people are messing with friends again..so ya'll back us up here.......

Funny, I still prefer to be called Sergeant Military Prick...or perhaps Disabled Veteran .

Read my blog:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=53089855&blogID=182399210&MyToken=037aec27-a38f-49a1-87fa-5e9c51a1954f

Tell me what you think...Was I wrong to tell him that I disagreed with his views and no longer wanted to be his friend?

Did I call him names like I'm still a 3rd grader or name calling an automatic reaction from some people.

Best Idea yet. After you post comments to my blog...send him an email.

http://www.myspace.com/roanoke_va

Best Idea ever....Repost this bulletin in 90 seconds or a military prick will hide a murdeous clown doll in you little brothers bedroom at 2:01 am tomorrow!