Season, Reason or a Lifetime?

They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Somehow I tend to lump my friends into one of those categories. For example, I have a friend Misty, who I have known and kept in touch with since elementary school. I consider her to be someone I will know for the rest of my life. Yes, we disagree on a lot of things but in the end, we are still there for each other.

The friends who have drifted into my life for a season or two, such as co-workers or friends of friends, if I don't hear from them in years, that is ok. I know they are living their lives and should we pass each other on a street, we will stop and catch up.

The ones who come into my life for a reason are the ones who have taught me something. The lessons I have learned are usually something I can apply to my other relationships.

Today, as is my morning habit, I was reading the paper. (Ok, it's on the computer, but I still call it the paper). I always look in the obituaries, not sure why, guess I'm just morbid that way. And looking back at me was someone who I have thought of many times, but had not seen since last summer. Her name was Tammi. (Not to be confused with my best friend Tammy, she's still alive and sassy as ever!!) I also noticed her family spelled her name with an "e", she hated being "Tammie", she like "Tammi", because it made her unique. To me, that just shows me how much people misunderstood her.

Tammi came into my life when things were at its most chaotic. Kevin was in the rehab, having just been diagnosed with schizophrenia. She was in the rehab because she was bi-polar and generally unstable. The first thing I remember about her is she was so small and helpless looking. I used to tease her that she was the only one to stare at my boobs, because that is as high as she could see.

Like a cute little puppy, Tammi grew on you quickly. I knew there was something "more" going on between Kevin and Tammi, but at that point, I just didn't care anymore. I was living with Tim, I was "happy".

One day I went home to get more clothes (I still maintained my own home) and there they were. Kevin had brought her home with him. She had no where to go, her husband was brought up on drug charges, her kids had been taken from her, and her house had been foreclosed on.

What could I do? I accepted her as a part of the family. Eventually her daughter came to live there. My relationship with Tim was not what I wanted, so I moved home. Suddenly, I was living with my husband and his girlfriend. I don't believe I ever actively thought of her as competition. I just knew her as a friend who needed a family and someone to help take care of her. Hell, I was taking care of Kevin, had a 3 year old son, why not add another kid and a bi-polar, mostly manic woman to the mix? Kevin soon told me he was "in love" with her. I can remember my exact thought "why her? She's a mess." But you can't help who you love.

You can't help who you love. That is what Tammi taught me. You can't change how you feel, even if the person you love hurts you to your core, you still love them. Like that cute helpless puppy, you will continue to go back to the one who hurts you. Over the years, I have learned however that you can control how much influence that person has over you.

As for Tammi, she married a boy named Andy who was 14 years her junior. She literally left our house and moved into his. From what I understand, that didn't last very long. I believe it was her 4^th marriage. Tammi lived a sad, chaotic life. When she was manic, she had a blast, but when she came back down, she hit rock bottom. I guess this time she just didn't have the strength to pull herself back up from that black pit of despair.

I have a Bible she once gave me; along with a bookmark that reads "when life has you down, look up". I have no doubt that Tammi no longer has to look up for help. She is finally free of a chronic, life changing disease that has a horrible stigma attached to it. It is a shame it had to end this way.

My family are a pack of animals

As I sit here and watch Meerkat Manor, I realized just how lucky I am. If you haven't seen it, you should watch it. It is an adorable reality series about a family of Meerkats, named the Whiskers. They live in the Kalahari Desert and it seems if any sort of drama can come their way, it usually does.

One may wonder how I can compare my life to a pack of tiny creatures. Well, everyone knows my life has been packed full of one adventure after another. Full of lots of drama too. But that is not the part I am thinking of. The meerkats are a tight, close-knit family who watches after each other. As in, to the death, watch after each other. While thankfully I've never had to kill for a member of my family, I have no doubt in my mind that I would, without hesitation. And I know in return, they would do the same.

I'm sure you've heard the old adage about how it takes a village to raise a child. I am a firm believer in this statement. I often wonder how people raise more than one child. I am in amazement of any mother who has the balls to have more than one. I personally, could not handle having a second child. I used to ask my Mama, how did you do it? And her answer was always the same: you just do.

I was blessed with a lot of aunts and uncles, most biological, some not. We respected them as much as we respected our own parents. Come to think of it, we still do. What they said was law and we obeyed it, for fear of what would come should our parents find out we didn't. I have raised, with the help of Dale, my son to be the same way. And I have no problem whatsoever with a member of my family smacking him on the butt if he needs it. In the same breath, I have no problem whacking their kid either. If nothing else in this world I hope my child takes away from my being his mother, I hope it is to respect family.

As I said earlier, I am lucky in life. Sure, my health sucks a big one. But when it comes right down to it, I have a lot of family and friends who care about me and loves me unconditionally. In addition, I have a really special man who shares my world with me. He got a package deal with Andrew and I, but I also got a package deal with his family. I have come to love them as if they are my own. We may not see them as often as we would like, but when we do, we usually have a great time together.

For all my bitching and complaining, I have to say, I am truly blessed. I'm just glad I don't have to groom them like the meerkats do.

Live like you were dying?

How do you know when to start living like you were dying? When do you consciously decide, "ok, I'm done with life, I'm just waiting to die"?
The following is a conversation I just had with a guy I haven't spoken to since November. He crossed the line and wanted more than what I willing to give. So, I blew him off and hadn't talked to him. Now he has decided his life is over and done with.


L (4/24/2007 11:22:44 PM): an island called insenchion
Amie (4/24/2007 11:23:01 PM): hmm, never heard of it. why would you move out of the country?
L (4/24/2007 11:23:52 PM): im ready to leave this place, bored out of my mind, tired of being bored, ready to try somthing new
Amie (4/24/2007 11:24:05 PM): yeah, I understand that
Amie (4/24/2007 11:27:59 PM): I can't believe you might leave the country, wow, that's a huge decision
L (4/24/2007 11:29:26 PM): yea my life is a bore, work and go home
Amie (4/24/2007 11:29:36 PM): you aren't dating anyone now?
L (4/24/2007 11:30:04 PM): july will be a year since i have been with a woman lol
Amie (4/24/2007 11:30:18 PM): oh my, TMI
L (4/24/2007 11:31:18 PM): hell i gained 10 pounds, no women look at me any more i just gave up on that, no bigee
L (4/24/2007 11:33:55 PM): if i can get jessi raised, and doing good for herself, and will gets out and does good in life, hell ile be ready for the end.
Amie (4/24/2007 11:34:09 PM): you make yourself sound so old
Amie (4/24/2007 11:34:42 PM): I've got mine half raised, lol, I've got 9 more years
L (4/24/2007 11:34:53 PM): no lol as long as my kids are doing well, and on their on, i dont care to be hear any more
Amie (4/24/2007 11:35:09 PM): well that's one way to look at it.
L (4/24/2007 11:35:28 PM): just dont give a damn any more
Amie (4/24/2007 11:36:01 PM): hell, after the crap I have been through over the last few months, I'll be happy to have my kid raised and see him be an adult.
L (4/24/2007 11:36:17 PM): lol
L (4/24/2007 11:39:25 PM): you have a good attitude about life, i hope you live it to the fulliest
L (4/24/2007 11:39:41 PM): me ........ im done
Amie (4/24/2007 11:39:54 PM): I'm trying to, lol....you shouldn't think like that, you are too young
L (4/24/2007 11:40:38 PM): to old to start somthing and have somthing, so..................
Amie (4/24/2007 11:41:26 PM): you are never too old. Hell, I'm 33 and just now getting the degree I've been trying to get since I graduated college the last time, I'm buying another home, hell if that ain't starting over, I don't know what is
L (4/24/2007 11:42:04 PM): you are still young, im old
Amie (4/24/2007 11:42:13 PM): how old are you now?
L (4/24/2007 11:42:17 PM): 45
Amie (4/24/2007 11:42:45 PM): and you consider that old? Come on, you are just getting started!! Especially if you get to move
L (4/24/2007 11:42:57 PM): 46 in june
L (4/24/2007 11:44:37 PM): i figure if i go over there and work 5 to 10 years i can send jess thru coll, then my job is thru
Amie (4/24/2007 11:45:07 PM): you never know, you may find the love of your life between now and then, will you be ready to go then?
L (4/24/2007 11:45:27 PM): im struck out
Amie (4/24/2007 11:46:12 PM): i thought I was too, hell, you know my track record with men, I suck at relationships
L (4/24/2007 11:46:48 PM): i had it but lost it
Amie (4/24/2007 11:47:02 PM): well, go get it back
L (4/24/2007 11:47:12 PM): to late
Amie (4/24/2007 11:47:20 PM): why is it too late?
L (4/24/2007 11:47:33 PM): she is in love with someone
L(4/24/2007 11:50:04 PM): well i guess im going to go to bed always remember that i will always be your freind
Amie (4/24/2007 11:50:21 PM): i know you will, talk to you soon


Some of that was edited for content, but you get the general idea. This guy is 45 years old and ready to die as soon as his daughter is raised. All because he doesn't have "the love of his life" anymore.

Is that a reason to stop living? I have seen couples that literally will themselves to die because their mate dies. One woman in particular sat in her rocking chair and just waited to die, only eating and sleeping. She followed her husband within months.

I guess because I have Andrew and want to see him raise his children, I can't imagine "giving up" so easily or being so young. I feel like in some way, I failed to give my friend any sort of advice or comfort. I also feel as though the friendship is over in a way. Although he IM'd me, I felt as though he didn't really want to know what was going on in my life.

I don't know what to think about him. It makes me seriously wonder when do you know you are done in life? I can understand being tired of life, but completely giving up? That I cannot imagine. Yes, I will admit, at one time, I thought I couldn't live without someone. But that was because of co-dependency, not love. My thoughts on hanging onto life have changed dramatically since I have "grown up." It's a shame that his have changed for the worse.

All my ex's should live in Texas

This weekend was the weekend from Hell when it came to the EX's. I think they should be outlawed. Literally. If you don't have a child with them, they should just *poof* disappear. Well, not mine. One likes to torture me with words, the other one likes to beg. The one who tortures me and calls me a "bad mother" decided it was a good idea to harass me last night. I think it's very impolite to call a person who can NEVER have children again and tell them your new wife is pregnant, especially when the 10 year anniversary of your children's death is in less than a week. Maybe it's just me? Dunno, just kinda think it's mean and spiteful. But I know my son will be a great big brother and I do wish them good luck. Honestly, I really do. The other one, seeing as his only means of communication is writing, decided to write two letters. And of course the first one was begging me not to leave his ass (umm, hello, I'm not the one who is in prison for being a crack head???), and the second one was about my son. I won't go into that one. I got it taken care of.

On to "happier stuff", Thursday we went to my sisters for dinner. Jac, Mama & Terry did not chew Steve up and spit him out. I somehow fully expected them to rip him a new one with questions. I must say they were very polite. Hell, I only caught a few jabs from Terry. Mostly about cooking and me being an airhead. (Yes, I am a self-professed airhead) This morning, Mama told me that she liked Steve because he let her dog sit on his lap. As if he had a choice Anyway, that's kinda nice to know, because so far the two people my Mama has ever liked has been Dale and Tim.

The weekend was good. I have found that you don't come between a man and his computer Steve got to drive the car. And damnit, I was gonna get a picture of it and forgot. Jac was impressed. The last person I let drive it was my Daddy, and I wasn't around to see it. I only got us "lost" once and technically it wasn't lost, I knew the road we was on, I just went in the wrong direction. By the time we got back to his house, I was shivering.

Le got a job. She is going to be working in the kitchen at the Mission Home. Not around knives though. I'm so very proud of her. Damnit, I miss her. I told her the other day, if I thought I could get away with it, I would be gone tomorrow. I'd pack my stuff and go. I'd love to live out there with my Daddy for a while, but I'd really miss my Mama. And I have about a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting permission for Andrew to go with me. But he really, really needs to learn his heritage. There is so much that I can't teach him.
Speaking of Andrew, he's got a crush. The object of his affection is a little girl who he has gone to school with since kindergarten whose name is Brianna. She's a beautiful little girl. He went with me into the store, spotted her, his face went red, he started sputtering, and behind my back he went. I swear, now I know what they are talking about when they say "hiding behind Mama's skirts". I grilled him about it on the way to school and he kept telling me to be quiet. The whole time he denied it, but you could see his little face just light up. Steve told me not to mess it up for him. How could I, his Mama, mess this up for him? **Sigh** my baby is growing up. He'll be 9 in a little over 2 months.

I am going to wrap this up now; just wanted to update everyone on life in my world. At least the world has stopped spinning so fast and I can finally take a look at what is going on around me and enjoy it. About freakin' time. And right now, from where I stand, things are looking pretty good.

She's back

As much emphasis that I place on the male friends being different from female friends, it is nice to have them. A man tore us apart (mine) and oddly enough, a man (hers) brought us back together.

The woman I speak of has been my best friend for 3 or 4 years now. Anyway, we met through ex's and stayed together when the ex's were gone. She knows me better than I know myself, and vice versa. We have partied, loved, hated and cried together. She is the true definition of a good friend.

Anyway, for those who have not yet heard of Tammy, you will hear of her frequently once again. No words need to be said between us. Just I missed you.

So Tammy, I have missed you and thought of you often. Things have changed greatly in the last month. I will catch you up over one of our long phone calls. I love you girl.

Back up to the public

To my friends, readers & the general public, I'm sorry you have to see the snarky, sarcastic side of me. For the most part, I'm not like this. But when a person has annoyed me and other dear friends of mine, I tend to get this way. Hell, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em or annoy them....make them wonder. If nothing else, know that I am one loyal friend.

Since I seem to generate so much interest, my blog is back open to the public. If you missed a post because it was friends only, well, now you can go back & read it. You might find something interesting. Oh yeah, could you possibly return the favor, I would love to read all about you

Other hints & tips, you can subscribe to my blog, by simply clicking subscribe. This will let you know in your inbox when I've posted something. It's kinda handy, that way you don't have to keep coming back to my page unless you want something from me or as I've said before, to leave me a pretty picture. I don't mind, really, go ahead. There may be some people you even know that read my ramblings daily. Discuss it with them if you would like. Oh that's right, you already have.

This post is just for you, once again, if you take the time to read it. Or will it take you another 3 weeks to visit again? And read stuff that is ancient history in other people's life? Enjoy your visit....I changed my mind just to annoy the hell out of you. Just because I CAN. Kinda makes you wonder if I'm talking to you or if you are going crazy, doesn't it? Damn, I hate that for ya. Also makes you wonder how I know, doesn't it? I hate it when you can't find the answers you so desperately need and want.

A few more things I'd like to address, I do have something men want: love. Something apparently you can't share or won't. I'm not trying to put you down, I'm simply trying to point things out to you from an outsider's point of view. So, I have a question for you. Are you ready to step aside yet? You know there might be someone willing to step into your place. But then again, maybe there isn't. I guess you won't know, will you? I know I'll never tell...as I said before, I am loyal.

An apology and an acknowledgement

This is going to a dear friend of mine. Thank you for being man enough to point out my mistakes with such grace and courage (lol).

I was given a priceless gift. The gift of your friendship. Yes, we have had rocky times, but we have endured it together and talked it out. I wish I had words to express my gratitude for the talk we had tonight. You opened my eyes to things that I did not want to see or acknowledge. Yet, like a good friend does, you persisted.

You have the patience of a saint and the heart of gold. You deserve the very best in life and I pray that one day you get it.

I don't know how to say I'm sorry to you. Those words don't seem like enough.

Remember, forever is a very long time, so be prepared to draw a lot of pictures. Once again, thank you.

You know I don't say this unless I mean it, and I mean this in the most platonic way, I love you.

Some People Wouldn't Know the Truth If...

It smacked them upside the head. I am sitting here, simmering and it takes a lot to make me simply sit and be mad. I usually get over things pretty quick. Throw something, get it out of my system and go about my business. But tonight is different, ohh, I'm so pissed, I could smack someone right now. And I do not in any way, shape or form condone violence.

As most of you know, I hold one thing close to my heart. That is honesty. I do not tolerate lies from my family or my friends. I will cut someone off in a heart beat because of ONE lie. If you can't be honest with me, you don't need to be my friend.
So this being said, I just found out one of my "friends" (I'm using this term loosely), lied to me. I suppose you could call it a lie by omission. For those who don't know what that is, lying by omission is allowing another to believe something that one believes is false, by failing to reveal one's belief, rather than by being untruthful. Hence it is normally classified not as a lie but as an act of deception. (gotta love wikipedia).

Now comes the hard part, do I confront, and see if they have the balls to admit that they lied to me or if they come up with a nice story of "I didn't know".

Some have asked me over the years why I do not tolerate someone who lies, even if it is for the well being of others. The main reason I abhor it is because my childhood was full of lies. Well, let me rephrase that. We had to "pretend" all was well. We overlooked the fact that I never knew my father until we moved to Virginia, we never spoke of Daddy drinking that one extra beer that put him into a fit of rage and beat the shit out of us. And we damn sure plastered a smile on our face come Sunday when we went to church. We looked to be the All-American family, yet it was nothing but a bunch of bullshit lies. This is the major reason I hate lies and deception.

I myself try my damndest not to lie. Even if I know it will hurt a person, I will not lie to someone. My friends hate me at times for this, especially when it comes to covering up for them. I have lost relationships due to my blunt honesty. But when it comes right down to it, I can sleep at night with a clear conscience. But then again, I have been told many times that I don't have one of those.

To wrap this up, I am at a loss as of what to do. The last few days have not been kind to my friend and I. We've trudged through and came out on the other side, still friends. But I don't know that we will get through this one.
I guess if my Daddy didn't teach me anything else, he did teach me to stand up for what I believe in. And I believe that friends do not lie to each other, under any circumstances.

Platonic Relationships

I must have a freakin' radar on me that send out signals when I suddenly become single. My mom has always said I had a neon light hanging over my head that said "freak magnet", well, that little light got turned off and now I'm working off of a damn radar.

How do they know? The one person I want to know how I feel is Gary. At this point, he is the only guy that I want to know any of my feelings. But it's nice to know that all the other ones still care.

On to the original topic. Everyone wants to know how I can maintain a platonic relationship with guys. Well, it's pretty simple in my eyes. There are a lot of really nice guys out there who simply are unavailable or I'm not attracted to. But that doesn't mean they cannot be my friends. Just because I am friends with a man, does not constitute a sexual relationship, even if there was one previously. I was told recently some very good advice, stay away from friends as potential mates. I have always been friends first with the men I have had relationships with. I guess my problem is I ended up in relationships with 2 of them, sadly neither who can claim the title of being the love of my life, soulmate, etc. And the other one, well, we all see what happened there. Although I can't say we were friends for a long time like Tim & I or Kevin & I, I can say we were very close. He knows things about me that no other man ever has.

This morning, I get a knock on the door. It was one of my oldest friends, haven't seen him in a while. It was as if we had never missed a beat. They say friendship is best shared over coffee and all that crap, bullshit, give me some sweet tea, a pack of cigarettes and I'm good to go. He has changed a lot. Gotten older, I guess. I was surprised to learn he is 44. He kept telling me I had a glow. We got the giggles over that one, 'cause I kept telling him it was the sun. He said he was serious and told me my eyes lit up when I talked about what my life has been like up until yesterday. Yet another reason why I like my male friends. They don't bullshit you on your looks. If you look like hell, they tell you. He told me I had dark circles under my eyes. LMAO, something every girl wants to hear at 10 am in the morning. He likes my hair long, he has decided. I was thinking about going ahead and getting it cut off to one length, but so far 2 people have threatened me with bodily harm if I do so. On that note, I believe I'll let it grow some more.
But I digress...a friend of mine asked me last night, how do you know if it's a strictly platonic friendship? Well, there is no sex involved is the first "rule" I have. They even attempt the break that rule, they are gone. I am not easy and I do not give my body to just anyone. Second, they treat you like one of the guys. And this seems to bother a lot of women. I guess it's a lot easier on me growing up with two brothers, then having a younger one. We can sit and talk about everything from guns to bragging about the deer we have seen. And that is cool with me. And last and most important, they listen. Most women kinda listen and then give you some fluffy bullshit answer they think you want to hear. Not guys, nope, they can be brutal.

So my question to all my friends, do you believe in platonic friendships? Can they happen? Do you believe former lovers can be involved in a platonic friendship?