Tale of Two Children

Since so many have asked what the deal is with my ex, I figured I'd write a blog about it. This is our edited, watered down story.

August 24th, 1984. This was the day I would meet my future husband. Little did I know what an impact he would make on my life. Would I change meeting him? Yes. Honestly, I can say that I would never have spoken to him had I only known.

It started on the school bus. He was the new boy in town. It started innocently enough, the "check yes or no" letters. I can't say that I liked him. It was more of an annoyance than anything else. But eventually he wore me down. We became friends. He was a year older than I, a lot more experienced in life and quickly taught me the ropes, along with corrupting me. Not that I minded. We soon transitioned into intermediate school, now I guess they call it middle school. By this time, we were sexually active. Now, imagine your pre-teen being sexually active. You'd freak out. Hell, I'd freak out. But somehow, it didn't seem like a big deal to us. We used it as a "get away" from the life we both lived. His mother constantly changed boyfriends/husbands, he had no real father, he ran with a bad crowd and he was constantly in trouble. I was the good little girl who did no wrong in most people's eyes. My family life wasn't much better, the only exception being my parents were together at that time. We would meet and hide and talk for hours about how bad it sucked to be us. And what we would do when we grew up and children of our own. We knew at the tender ages of 9 & 10 that one day we would marry. This continued until high school. I will say that Kevin got me through some of the toughest years of my life. We went through life, death, rape, physical and mental abuse together.

At the age of 14, I met another "man", Dale, the father of my son, Andrew and my first husband. Even though I loved Kev with everything I had, I wanted Dale. Come to find out, the day I told him that it was through, he told me he had gotten a girl pregnant and was getting married. So, this was the beginning of the end. He married a girl named Angel in December. I began dating Dale. Fast forward to my senior year. He shows up on my door step. Of course, I didn't turn him away. That was my problem, I never could turn Kevin away. We caught up on old times and by this time, he had 2 sons, Justin & Billy. Over the years, he continued to pop up in my life when I least expected it.

July 4^th, 1997. The carnival. I took my little sisters to it. There he was. It had been 2 years. He had remarried, had another child, a daughter this time, Mary. I was yet to be married. I was more worried about my "career and education" than marriage. I left with him that night. I spent the entire summer with him. On August 17, 1997, by mutual agreement, I went back to Dale, he went back to salvage his marriage and be with his daughter. Again, fast forward to January 20, 1998, my son, Andrew Thomas was born. I brought him home and 2 days later, Kevin saw him for the first time. Dale never knew.
On August 17^th, 1998, Dale & I married. The reason? My insurance was going to run out from a COBRA policy. I needed insurance. So we married. On December 15^th, he left me. I won't go into details, as this is Kevin's story.

I moved on with my life. December 24^th, 1998, I got a call. It was Kevin, he was in jail and please don't let him spend Christmas Eve in jail. I didn't. This was to be the first of many, many times I would bail him out. I believe it was early May 1999 he was sent to prison the first time.

June 8^th, 2001, he was due to be released. Having sent letters back & forth for 2 years, I was ready for him to come home. I mistakenly thought I could be his salvation. I could change him. On August 24^th, 2001, we were sitting in my bedroom talking, and realized that it had been 17 years since the day we met. We talked about how mad my family would be if I married "that boy" (a nickname that has stuck with him to this day). We decided to get married. This was at 3 p.m. By 8 p.m., we were married; all to spite my family. Finally, my "dream" had come true. In reality, the nightmare had just begun.

All of this sounds so sweet and "aww, you married your childhood sweetheart". No, I married a crack head. Again to save time and painful memories, I'll just skim over the major parts. Kev was a journeyman welder, and a damn good one. On his way to becoming a welder inspector (would still like to see that happen). We traveled and moved every 90 days until 2004. In 2004, we settled back down here. It started up again. Leaving for days, money gone from the bank account, the excuses, the "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" and jail time. Finally last year, it was the final straw. As much as I loved Kevin, he has bled me to death. I had no money left, I had no self esteem, I was a broken person. Trying to live with a drug addict will eventually led to your death. I kicked him out. Since that time, he has been tried and convicted once more and will do somewhere around 4 years in prison.

There is so much more I could say, I could tell you about the knives being held to my throat, I could tell you about the copious amounts of crack and powder in my home, the multiple times the police came to my house with search dogs, fights with drug dealers, being followed, questioned by the ATF. So many things that I look back now and think "oh my God, how did I live through that?" I will tell you one thing. My son NEVER knew that Kevin did drugs. If nothing else, I protected my son. I may have been through hell and back but my son has not.

So, when asked tonight about August 24^th, 1984, this was the reason. Yes, I would change it, I would have never spoke to that boy had I known it would change my life forever.

Today, I got a letter, he's finally letting go. After 20+ years of being my best friend, he's letting go. Am I sad? No. I'm glad I finally came to my senses and got out while the getting was good. Will I ever forget? No, he was my life. Do I still love him? Yes but not as a wife should love a husband. More as a friend loves a friend. Will I ever go back? I will end this with an absolute HELL NO. I would spend the rest of my life alone before I would go back to the depths of hell that I just pulled myself out of.

Can you have both?

It seems this week was the one to talk about sex and relationships for a lot of my blogger friends. So, I have a few things to say about it; lots of questions though.

Can you have it all? Truly? Can you have the relationship coupled with almost perfect sex? The only reason I say almost is because some things have yet to be tried. And everyone knows you can't compliment the chef until you have samples all the dishes.

In the past, I have had some phenomenal sex but the relationship sucked. On the other hand, I have had the perfect relationship and the sex sucked. So why is it so damn hard to find both? Is it one of those elusive, soul mate things everyone keeps insisting is out there? Or am I just the only picky one in this world when it comes to relationship and sex?

Yes, I will admit, I have a mental checklist. If a guy meets the criteria, usually, the sex will happen. If he doesn't, forget it, he's a friend. And once he's a friend, it never crosses the line over to the lover section. However, I do have a number of former lovers that are still friends; and they never get to cross back to the other side. It seems my kindergarten teacher was right; I can't stay colored within the lines.

Now, I have found a perfect balance of both. I won't go into details on the sexual side of the relationship but I will tell you that it's all good. The other side of the relationship is almost too good to be true, with maybe one exception but hey, no one is perfect. Intelligent conversation, quite a few mutual interests, common goals for the future and something that is very important: trust and respect.

At any rate, you get the general idea about my new relationship. So the only question that remains unanswered: When will the other shoe drop? Yes, I'm a true pessimist when it comes to relationships and sex. There is always a catch somewhere. Or is there? Can I finally at 32, let go of the fear and just let things happen? I'm thinking so. Now, if we can get this kid situation straightened out, it will ALL be good.

Platonic Relationships

I must have a freakin' radar on me that send out signals when I suddenly become single. My mom has always said I had a neon light hanging over my head that said "freak magnet", well, that little light got turned off and now I'm working off of a damn radar.

How do they know? The one person I want to know how I feel is Gary. At this point, he is the only guy that I want to know any of my feelings. But it's nice to know that all the other ones still care.

On to the original topic. Everyone wants to know how I can maintain a platonic relationship with guys. Well, it's pretty simple in my eyes. There are a lot of really nice guys out there who simply are unavailable or I'm not attracted to. But that doesn't mean they cannot be my friends. Just because I am friends with a man, does not constitute a sexual relationship, even if there was one previously. I was told recently some very good advice, stay away from friends as potential mates. I have always been friends first with the men I have had relationships with. I guess my problem is I ended up in relationships with 2 of them, sadly neither who can claim the title of being the love of my life, soulmate, etc. And the other one, well, we all see what happened there. Although I can't say we were friends for a long time like Tim & I or Kevin & I, I can say we were very close. He knows things about me that no other man ever has.

This morning, I get a knock on the door. It was one of my oldest friends, haven't seen him in a while. It was as if we had never missed a beat. They say friendship is best shared over coffee and all that crap, bullshit, give me some sweet tea, a pack of cigarettes and I'm good to go. He has changed a lot. Gotten older, I guess. I was surprised to learn he is 44. He kept telling me I had a glow. We got the giggles over that one, 'cause I kept telling him it was the sun. He said he was serious and told me my eyes lit up when I talked about what my life has been like up until yesterday. Yet another reason why I like my male friends. They don't bullshit you on your looks. If you look like hell, they tell you. He told me I had dark circles under my eyes. LMAO, something every girl wants to hear at 10 am in the morning. He likes my hair long, he has decided. I was thinking about going ahead and getting it cut off to one length, but so far 2 people have threatened me with bodily harm if I do so. On that note, I believe I'll let it grow some more.
But I digress...a friend of mine asked me last night, how do you know if it's a strictly platonic friendship? Well, there is no sex involved is the first "rule" I have. They even attempt the break that rule, they are gone. I am not easy and I do not give my body to just anyone. Second, they treat you like one of the guys. And this seems to bother a lot of women. I guess it's a lot easier on me growing up with two brothers, then having a younger one. We can sit and talk about everything from guns to bragging about the deer we have seen. And that is cool with me. And last and most important, they listen. Most women kinda listen and then give you some fluffy bullshit answer they think you want to hear. Not guys, nope, they can be brutal.

So my question to all my friends, do you believe in platonic friendships? Can they happen? Do you believe former lovers can be involved in a platonic friendship?

Things are not always what they seem

Today, I got a shock. The two people I had always looked up to as far as relationships go, have separated. I have always tried to model my relationships after this couple, because they were simply..perfect, or so it seemed.

Over 40 years ago, they met at a bank. He took her out 5 days later. They stayed out too late, and was afraid to go home, so they eloped. Very much like my grandparents marriage. They have 3 beautiful daughters, all who are now married and spread across the Eastern Seaboard, living their own lives. They have always lived the American dream. Until 2 years ago, when he was severely burned on the job. After months of intense therapy, he was allowed to come home. They began to live for each day and as they told me, "live for each other". Sadly, he slowly became addicted to painkillers, in order to function, do daily things we take for granted. Friday night, he had drank too much wine, and took too many painkillers. In the heat of the moment, he called her hurtful names. Never in the history of their marriage had he so much as even said a cross word to her. She packed her clothes and left.

On August 24th, it will be the anniversary of the day we met, 23 years ago, it will also be his sentencing day, to find out long he will serve in prison for his addiction to drugs.

I guess I really did model my marriage after this couple, didn't I? Funny how things work out. I am praying they will work things out, praying he will overcome his addiction and praying that Kevin will not be gone the rest of my adult life.