Dear Abby

As I grow older, I spend less time asking for advice from my mother. I suppose there are two reasons for this, one being she has Alzheimer's and various other mental issues. The second being, well, she tells me what I don't want to hear. (Odd, huh?) And usually she is right about things. But she has to "rub it in" once her prophecy becomes reality.

Now Daddy and Lisa, yeah, they tell me stuff I don't want to hear either. But they don't do it in a condescending sort of way. And again, usually they are right.

You would think that with all my parents giving me such good advice, I would listen. But do I? No, I'm too stubborn and have to learn the hard way. Then, as most kids do, I crawl back and bawl on their shoulder and ask them why didn't they tell me this to begin with? (They did, I was just too busy ignoring them)

Then there are moments when I hear: "Mark my words, you are going to regret this". And I absolutely hate hearing it. And I'm not ashamed to say, I have covered my ears and hummed to myself when advice comes out of someone's mouth beginning with those words. Which always brings me back to the age old question: "what did you ask for, if you didn't want the answer?" I guess I'm waiting on someone to tell me what I want to hear. And damnit, I haven't met anyone yet who will do that. Maybe Dear Abby might...

Thursday night, Steve and I were talking over dinner and out of his mouth comes the remark "I tried to point that out earlier". And in my mind, I thought "yeah, you did, but I wasn't ready to listen then".

So here I am, ready to take his advice. And here I am, wondering why in the hell did I not listen to him to begin with? And I answered my own question:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

No, I don't truly believe I'm insane or heading that direction, but it sounds like a good excuse to me.

So on that rambling note: wish me luck. I'm about to ass kiss like I have never ass kissed before. But, it's for a good reason. We shall see what happens. I don't accept defeat well, I never have. However, when defeat comes in the form of rejection, I have been known to completely lose it. This time I am bound and determined, I will not lose it. I'll keep my head held high and not let them know how disappointed I am. Again, insert insanity theory here.

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys-R-Us Kid

I stood there watching from about 100 ft away. I took a deep cleansing breathe from the crisp, sweet morning air. It was then I realized I had been holding my breath, afraid of what the day might bring for him, for me. He turned and looked back, not a care in the world; his biggest decision for today was whether or not to pack his lunch or eat at school. Reassured that I was there, he happily walked away. Suddenly, he stopped, turned and ran back into my arms. I kiss him on his forehead and tell him how much I love him, even if he aggravates me to no end. He said half sobbing and half laughing, "I hope you are there to watch me the rest of my life". Mimicking my own laugh, he's off again; ready to take on the day. Once again, I stand and watch as my only live child begins to take steps towards independence.

Leaning against the doorframe, I think about what he said. My biggest concern has always been the same, never wavering. I want to be there to watch my son grow, learn and make his own mistakes. I want my son to one day be a strong, independent man. Yet, at the same time, I want my son to always need his mother. I am sure in some fashion or another, he will. As far as I know, all mothers feel this way about their children.

These past 8 months have been a struggle for us. A new man coming into our lives, his beloved Jac going back to work, having to make sure every day he knows which house to come home to. The only man who he trusted enough to get close to, left with no explanation that he could comprehend. His father remarrying after 8 years of undivided attention, gone in a 20 minute ceremony. The news of being a big brother, not to the boy as he had hoped, but to a dreaded girl. After all, everyone knows girls can't play like boys can. And once she is old enough to play, he will be off doing his own thing. Throw in school, which he doesn't understand half the time, lots of homework that needs to be done before he can play baseball, or have fun with the neighbor kids. And the icing on his cake that is melting in 90-degree weather, his mother has something terrible called cancer. Not to forget that his aunt has it also.

Did I mention the kid doesn't have a care in the world? Ahhhh, to go back to the youthful days of small responsibilities. Coming home to find a note left on the table telling me my chores for the day. Hurrying to get them done before Little House on the Prairie came on at 4 p.m. Having the kitchen TV. all to myself, because my brothers and sister were not interested in "kid stuff". Playing outside on nice days, sitting on my rooftop, I was the queen of my universe; and no one ever told me different. The worst possible scenario in our household was my two older brothers getting into a fight and beating each other with cast iron skillets. (I was huddling in the doorway, screaming to the top of my lungs that I was going to tell on them)

When did the world of children become so complicated? Is it something of our doing or is it just the evolution of man? I want to go back to the days of someone telling me what to do; managing money for me and my worst enemy was the mosquito that would leave whelps on my skin. I want to go back to waking up in the morning and smelling fresh cinnamon biscuits cooking in the oven. I want to go back to the days when I thought boys were only good for putting worms on my hook. I want to go back to the days when my mother actually remembered my name. I want to go back to sitting in the living room with my Daddy watching Jeopardy and eating frosted flakes.

I look down at my sleeping son some nights and I wonder, what does he think about? What does he dream about? Does he know how much I love him? Will he ever be able to fully comprehend some of the decisions I have made in his best interest? Does he care? Will I ever be able to watch him grow into the man I know he can be?

I hope so. And when he thinks back on his childhood, I hope he remembers those carefree days of youth gone by and not the horrible memories of things we are going through now.

What's in it for me?

I received a letter from Kevin over the weekend and just finished reading it. He wants to sit down and hash this mess out between the two of us. Basically, we have been telling each other off through counselors, lawyers and an occasional letter. I'm hesitant, but I see where he is coming from.

He made two valid points. If he sees me and I walk away, it will break his "already shattered heart". If he never sees me again, he doesn't have to face the pain and responsibility for what he has done to me in the past. He did say he would like to see me but is terrified of what will happen when we do see each other. Will we both cry for what we have lost or will we be like old friends catching up? I honesty do not know the answer to that. It is so much easier to "get over" some one when you don't have to face them.

In order to complete the 12-step program, you should make amends with the people you have hurt. As of today, he has never once said he is sorry for what we went through. I wonder if maybe this meeting could be his chance. I know I need closure, somehow. I'm not sure if it will come once the MSA is complete or if it will be when I can look him in the eyes and say to him, with all the honesty in my heart: I don't love you anymore. You took away my innocent, naive ways, my ability to trust others and most of all you took away 24 years of my life that I will never, ever be able to get back.

Can I see him, turn around, and walk off? I would like to think I could. I would like to squelch the maternal feelings I have towards him. I'd like to be able to saunter off with the heavy burden of terrible memories, gone. I want to be able to hold my head up high, knowing I did the best thing for my son and I. I want to turn around and see Steve standing there, waiting on me. I want to finally be happy. Is that too much to ask? Am I trying to pull the fairy tale out my ass? Am I being selfish to ask, what's in it for me?

When I saw you on the street
I almost turned away
When you stared in disbelief
Because I smiled and waved
Oh the years have turned my bitterness
Into a sad regret
And it's good to finally talk to you
And lay our past to rest

Cause(And) I have changed and you have changed
And all is forgiven now
And a long and silent last embrace
Shows our repect somehow
But it's ok to cry a little
I know where it comes from
These tears of sadness and relief
When love dies in your arms

You were once my deepest pain
But you were oce my friend
And a part of me was holding on
Till I saw you again
I couldn't bear to see it end
With rage and jealousy
A feeling once so beautiful
Should die with dignity

Cause(And) I have changed and you have changed
And all is forgiven now
And a long and silent last embrace
Shows our repect somehow
But it's ok to cry a little
I know where it comes from
These tears of sadness and relief
When love dies in your arms

If you say so

The 9 most dangerous words a woman can say:

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

And I have to add one that I personally use:

"if you say so", which usually means, "I'm just amusing you because you think you are right, but I know you are wrong".....

Shhh, be very, very quiet, I'm hunting wabbits

This past Saturday, I went and took a First Steps Pistol Class. Steve's mom, Susan, was the instructor. Growing up around guns, I "thought" I was a safe shooter when it came to firearms. 1. This is what I get for "thinking" and 2. I'm glad I never shot anyone in all my excursions with a gun (rifle or otherwise).

Here in Botetourt County, before all the b.s. about guns became around, it was nothing to see a shotgun or rifle in the back of one of your classmates trucks. I can even remember when we all got the first day of hunting season off. When we got to 7^th grade, during gym class, we took Hunter Education. Mr. Agnor taught this class and honestly, I'm not sure if I paid attention to the material or if I was too busy drooling. My friend Christy was in my gym class...did we pay attention? At any rate, we had to have this class to get our hunting license once we turned 16. So, I took it and all these years, thought I was "safe". I was horribly mistaken.

First thing I took away from this class was trigger safety. I will admit, I would keep my finger on the trigger once the gun or handgun was in place. If something interrupted me, well, the gun went with my hand. As I said before, I'm lucky no one ever got shot. Kinda like new drivers, when they look at something, the wheel sort of turns with their head. Anyway, I now know where to keep my finger.

I also figured out I can't hit the broad side of a barn with both eyes open. Being left eye dominant and right handed is a hindrance when it comes to shooting a gun or a bow. I have learned to shoot a bow left-handed and a rifle left handed, but still can't quite get a handgun down pat. I now feel like Elmer Fudd when he was trying to shoot Bugs Bunny. Somehow, Bugs always managed to get away and Elmer Fudd was left looking around wondering what had just happened. So when it came down to the practical part of the class, I was screwed. I did hit the target (I think), but not very often. Good thing I wasn't graded on marksmanship. I would have been up shit creek.

I'm really glad I took the class. I learned a lot more that I thought I would. The class didn't just cover safety; it also went into parts of the pistol, ammunition, cleaning, storing and the fundamentals of shooting. I have to say, I would definitely recommend everyone taking this class if they are going to be a gun owner. Now that I think about it, it's kinda scary that all these people have guns and have never had any "formal" training at all. Hell, I grew up around guns and still wasn't as trained as I thought I was. That kinda knocked me down a notch or two. Nothing like humility to make a person remember where they came from.

After the class, I got to shoot one of Steve's "big guns", as mentioned in the previous blog. I really, really liked that. I can see why he likes his guns.
We got to spend the day with his Mom and that was cool. I like her teaching style and I can see a lot of her in Steve, especially when it comes to patience. All in all, we had a good day.

So that was my big adventure for the weekend. No plans for this one coming up, I have a feeling it will be our last one before we have to start getting moved and such. Yet again, that is another blog...

oooo laaa laaa, A new love

I never knew guns could be sexy, seductive or make a person feel powerful. Then I watched Steve shoot his latest, greatest toy.

Then I got to shoot it. Whew.....I'm in love. (with Steve of course). Somehow we didn't get pics of me shooting. I think he was too busy making sure I wasn't going to shoot his ass to grab the camera.

I don't know what it is, a Greek made something or another, if you want details, ask him. I just know I really like that gun.
More details to come on the latest melodrama that is my life. And all about how I can't hit the broad side of a barn.

Observations

I. The Lie

A. The lie I was told and didn't discover until it was too late.

Be a good person and people will respond in kind.

(yeah whatever, most people are fucktards, excluding present company)

B. The lie I told that no one has figured out.

This too shall pass.

(it passes all right, then sneaks up behind you and bites you on your ass)

II. The Truth

A. The truth about life I wish more people would accept.

Life sucks at times.

(we aren't immune to life's drama)

B. The truth about life I myself can't seem to accept.

No matter how hard I try, life doesn't revolve around me.

(damnit man, WHY can't everyone cooperate??)

III. The Dream

A. The fantasy already attained.

Well, there was this one drunken night.....

(that will remain a secret)

B. The fantasy yet unrealized.

Living with the love of my life.

(I keep telling myself, soon. Well, it can't get here fast enough for me)

IV. The Nightmare

A. The fear conquered.

Being alone.

(you have time to reflect on how much you have screwed up and how to avoid it next time)

B. The fear that remains.

Somewhere along the way, I messed up.

(I think the day was August 24th, 1984)

V. The Beginning and the End

A. The thing I should start doing.

Exercising

('cause I couldn't run if my life depended on it)

B. The thing I should stop doing.

be afraid of life

(I might as well enjoy it, doesn't look like there will be a round 2)

Tag to anyone who feels brave enough.....