aaaggghhh

Ok, well there is nothing like having to wake your sick kid up in the middle of the night because you need some monistat. My God, I would hate to get a case of the freakin' crabs, 'cause a yeast infection is bad enough.

So, going into Walgreens at 2 a.m. is always fun, then I have to explain WHY I need this to Andrew. Then once home he wants to know where it goes, how it stays, etc, etc. God Lord, that was more embarrassing than explaining birth to him.

I personally am going to blame this on Steve. If he hadn't bought me a new toy, well, these things wouldn't happen. Haha. Thank God for the pill Diflucan, otherwise, I'd be stuck using the damn toy all weekend. Be my luck I'll have to anyway. Well, I'll give him credit, I got some every night last week, woo hoo. Who says quality over quantity? It was damn good all 5/6 nights....

ok, well, now that my mind is back on sex, maybe I'd better stop while I'm ahead and try to go to sleep.

Other blog

I have had several emails & messages lately asking what happened to my other blog, ya know, the "good one".
I sent out "invites" to those of you who were subscribed before. If you are one who did not get one or are interested, send me a message & I'll send you one.
And be forewarned, the other one is not so polite and I hold nothing back.

Anyway, night everyone, I'm going to attempt sleep. And besides that, I'm missing a really good Rugrats movie....

"You irritated me"

I can honestly say it's been a long time since someone said something to hurt my feelings. I just hung up the phone with Steve. Tonight we went to my SIL's house to give her a message since she doesn't have a phone. Then we went to the store and got something to eat. We came home and Andrew was sick. He has had a headache all day. Anyway, I didn't realize that I needed cigarettes. I asked him if he would run to the store (literally 3 blocks away, less than a minute by car). He did and didn't say a word about it. He left and Andrew has been throwing up ever since.
Anyway, he called a few minutes ago, to tell me he was home (had been for over an hour). I asked him if he was ok tonight and he said he wasn't feeling very "festive". Then he informed me that he was ok until it was time to go get cigarettes. He said I should have got them while we were out. That I "irritated" him by not thinking ahead. When he said that, a feeling shot through my chest, an unfamiliar feeling, as it has not happened in a long time. He hurt my feelings. Well, I'm so freakin' sorry that I was thinking more about my son being sick than getting a pack of cigarettes.
The phone just rang, and Andrew told me not to answer it if it was Steve. It was Christy, but I still don't want to talk to anyone. Another subject that came up was New Year's Eve. I would like to stay up and celebrate. I'm hoping and praying that 2007 is a much better year for me. So, for once, I would like to stay up. Nope, not gonna happen with him. So once again, yet another holiday fucked up for me by a man. He said "well, you will be beside me". I immediately said "well, I was beside someone last year and it didn't make a difference" and it doesn't if they are asleep. So, I guess either I'll be waiting up for it by myself or be asleep.
Kevin was taken to his prison today. I'm not sure which one, I'm sure he's terrified. I wish I would have taken the time to go see him before he left. I am happy that he's gone, at least now, hopefully I won't have to send all his letters back or screen my phone calls to make sure I don't answer his.
I haven't talked to Gary for a day or two, I'm hoping he's ok and everything is doing alright with him. I miss talking to him. I often wonder if he ever randomly thinks of me the way I do him. I also wonder if he ever reads this. I know he reads my other blog, but I'm not sure he's even interested in my life enough to read this one. Anyway, just a thought that went through my head.
I guess I'm going to try to get some sleep now. Andrew is sick and hopefully will settle down to sleep. I'm hoping I can do the same.

We regret to inform you

I just answered the phone, not knowing the number, I was hesitant, ready to close it, if it happened to be my ex. However it was some woman, she started with "We regret to inform you", and everyone knows that types of calls are NEVER good. Mine was excellent!!!
So anyway, since SOME people don't like cliffhangers, she went on to say that Kevin had been transferred to Deep Meadows (an intake prison).
Finally!!! They aren't going to leave him here to bug the shit out of me. 6 letters in 2 days. My postmaster hates me now. He actually leaves the stamp laying on the counter for me to stamp it myself these days. 4 phone calls in 2 days (I entered the number in my phone under DO NOT ANSWER).
Woo Hoo...maybe this time the counselors will get it right and I will finally get some peace and quiet.
As we say on IOIC, I'm doing the happy dance (not really, but I'm pretty happy right now)...somehow though, it's not for the same reasons as they were. Sorry ladies.

I should be sleeping

Yet, I can't get him out of my head. When did this happen? What happened to me? When did it sneak up on me? I have been trying to sleep for hours now and my mind keeps going back to him. Is he asleep yet? Does he miss me as much as I miss him?
All consuming romantic love. He says he's never felt it. Is this an indication that I should run like hell? He says he's never felt what he feels for anyone the way he feels about me. This should be a good thing. Yet, in the same breathe, he says he's never felt an all consuming romantic love like the romance novels. Does this mean I'm not the one? Is he just using me as a means to an end? I know we have a connection. We are both intelligent and have some of the best conversations of my life. He understands my quirky sense of being. But is caring for someone enough to continue a life partnership?
I want the romance novel, all consuming love. I need it. I just don't know if he's capable and if I'm the one. I've already asked him these questions. There are no answers. I came extremely close to losing him on Christmas. I would have left had he not continually reassured me that it's me he wants to be with. I don't doubt that part for a second. I know he cares for me. But it's not the same as love. I want him to feel as though he can't live without me. I want the fairy tale, I want it all. I just wish I knew how to get it.

eww, that smell

This morning I woke to the sound of splashing. As I have a fish tank in my room, I decided I might want to investigate. The noise wasn't coming from the fish tank. It was coming from the bathroom. Apparently, Joshua, my 19 year old inherited bitchy cat, had fell in the toliet.

I pull her tiny soaking wet body out, wrap her in a towel, take her downstairs and go ahead and give her a "real" bath. And no, she doesn't like those either. But at least she can sit on my bed without me feeling like she has the remenents of pee/poo on her.

I'm still not sure what she thought she was gonna do: get a drink, maybe?, use it? I'll never know since she is offically back to not "speaking" to me. It seems I am to blame for this moral offense in her mind. But now she smells like Pantene, she should STFU and be happy. Here is a picture of my beloved Joshua, can't you tell she is the epitomy of loveliness?

After going through this, I was reminded of the old "how to give a cat a bath" joke, so here it is:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

The freaks come out in the daylight

At 7 this morning, I'm finally getting around to decorating the damn tree. (yes, I'm a Scrooge). Anyway, I had the brilliant idea after seeing Steve's sister's tree (which is VERY pretty), to do my tree in red this year. Most years, I do some sort of color scheme. Andrew informs me that I am supposed to start at the top with the lights & go down. Well, 3/4 of the way down, I run out of lights. Yet another reason I hate decorating a tree. So, I decide, I'll run to Walmart, get lights, some ribbon and be home before 8:30. Pppfffttt. So much for that idea.
--> -->

If you have seen the orange juice commercial, you will know what I'm talking about when I say that arms came through the shelf and handed me a set of red lights. Apparently, they have an endless supply of red lights at Walmart. What I'm confused about is how did this set of arms know that I needed red ones? All I can hope is that I wasn't standing there talking to myself.

Anyway, after the set of arms handed me the lights, I peered through the shelf looking for the source and these really big yellow eyes peered back at me. I think I may have said something to the effect of "oh shit". At any rate, whatever I said got a chuckle. Out from the back of the rack of lights came this enormous man, sleeved on both arms and his bald head. Now, I'm a gnat's ass away from 6'0 in my bare feet. I'm in a pair of hiking boots, yet I have to lean my head back to eyeball this person. I swear, he looked exactly like something from a freak show. I'm really not trying to be mean, honestly, I'm not. I was just extremely surprised.

Hanging from his ears were large gaged studs. The pointy kind. The kind where if he took them out, his earlobes would be kinda hanging there. (Somehow the song "do your ears hang low?" just popped in my head) As I said, he was sleeved and I don't think there was a place that had not been inked. I couldn't even tell how old this person was.
As he began to speak, I noticed his tongue also held a large gage stud. He had cat eye contacts in that was yellow. I'm trying to remember my manners, put my "professional facade" on. But all I can do is stutter, "thhannnkkk yyoouuu".

I quickly head out the other way to the toy section and as I am making my great escape, a booming voice informs me I forgot my cart. Oopps. I grab it and again, start the other way. The voice sounded like the one behind the curtain telling the characters out of the Wizard of Oz to ignore that man, speaks again. He apologizes for startling me. He also tells me to have a good day. I think I say the same and finally get the hell of out there.

I'm still not sure why this person's appearance freaked me out. This is bothering me. I am not one to be unnerved by anyone's appearance; let alone judge. I have many piercings and quite a few tattoos. But, I think if you are going to hide in a shelf at Walmart, maybe you ought to forego the cat eyes. Somehow, I can see small children being frightened.

Blah

Well, I'm back from the mall. I cannot wait until all this crap is over with. I think the best thing that is gonna come out of the next 2 weeks is getting to stay with Steve. I just talked to him and his mind seemed to be somewhere else. I hate that. It seems as though we never get to talk during the day anymore and then in the evening, he doesn't wanna talk at all. Hell, I'm just freakin' happy to hear another adult voice.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I am about 1/2 way depressed and I'm not sure why. I haven't had this feeling for a long time. I wish I could put my finger on the reason. I have everything a woman could want, why am I not happy? The never ending, unanswered question. I feel like I could just hide in bed and not get up. I haven't felt like sleeping to "hide" for a very long time. I dunno, maybe my meds need readjusted.

Well, that is my blurb for the night, I'm gonna lay down and get some sleep since I didn't sleep last night.

Aggrevated

I surprise myself sometimes. Why? Because I haven't choked my smart ass kid yet. Today he played "sick" and of course, with me having plans. It seems like every time I plan something, it gets fucked up. I give up on planning something. I did manage to get some more Christmas shopping done. My sister refused to watch him and he refused to go to my Mama's, so whatever Christmas shopping that I have left for him will get done tomorrow. I'll also finish up Steve's tomorrow. He is so damn hard to buy for.
Anyway, I drug Andrew with me to the mall, that place was awful. It was crowded and the traffic sucked. It took us 20 minutes to get out of the parking lot. And the bad part about that is, I have to go back tomorrow and pick up the rest of Steve's present.
I will be so glad once Andrew is gone, I will have the evening to myself. I tried to get Steve to come over, but he had to go home & wrap presents & "whatnot"...whatever. Yesterday he was too tired, today he has stuff to do. Just what the fuck ever. I guess I'll just be seeing him this weekend.

Our trip to Charlottesville has pretty much been cancelled. He can't get off work for next Thursday and possibly has to work all day on Friday. His friend doesn't know if he can still come up on Saturday, so it's all up in the air. He's pissy about that. I guess I can understand. I'm not real sure who this friend is, I'm thinking it's someone he grew up with. Hell, he don't tell me details about anything.

Well, the kid is bitching at me to get on the computer. Hopefully his father is on his way and I can have some peace & quiet. Finally. The next 2 weeks are gonna be a bitch, I can see it coming now. Holidays fucking suck.

How to get an old person to walk faster

So, I've finally discovered the secret to getting old people to walk faster. Here's what you do:
Pull into the busiest post office in the Roanoke Valley. Make sure your mother is bitching in your ear as loud as possible. (this is important to set the mood). Get your money out, cards ready and open door. Sit and wait 10 minutes on said mother to get her money out and decide exactly how many stamps she needs. Head towards the front entrance, by this time, there should be a line of old people in front of you walking towards the same door. Walk really fast, because after all, God gave you really long legs to go with the 6'0 frame you have. Look around at all the old people: trust me, those little chicken legs can kick it into high gear if they think a "younger" person is gonna get to the counter before they will. If by chance you make it before them, be sure to listen to the loud sighs of the older person behind you and "how rude" younger people are. After getting everything you and bitchy mother needs, head out the door. If someone screams an old nickname that you recognize: RUN LIKE HELL!! Don't lift your head in acknowledgment. Let alone turn around to see who the hell still calls you "Amie Lou", after all, only the people from the ER and the ex's family call you that. And good God if you see someone you dated years ago from work, don't tell them how grey they are, they get offended. It's also not a good idea to turn down a date in a public place, because then all the old people turn around and wonder what exactly is wrong with him that you wouldn't want to date a doctor. Lots of head shaking and murmuring can be heard. And above all: don't let them see what vehicle you are heading towards, because they will follow you!
Ok, I'm done my bitch session. For now, anyway.

Surrounded, yet alone

I feel so alone. I am unsure why. Maybe because I have spent the entire day just sitting on a couch. Okay, well, I walked the dog. Nikki's computer is broke, so Steve has spent ALL day on the damn thing in the back room. Literally, he woke up, got on the computer and it's now almost 9 p.m. and he is still on it. I'll give him SOME credit, he's now in here, beside me working on it.

Friday, my Uncle Tad got severely sick. Now, he's on a vent and not doing well at all. I'm scared we will lose him. My sister told me I needed to think of other people's feelings rather than just my own. Yeah, well the last time I went to see a family member on a ventilator, they died. I don't handle death well at all. Let alone an Uncle who practically raised me. So, at this point, fuck other people's feelings. I know that I may be selfish at times, but what good am I gonna be if I go up there and have a breakdown? I may go tomorrow.

I still haven't put up the fricken' Christmas tree. At this point, I'm ready to say fuck it and not do it at all. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me. It was really nice outside today and there are no decorations here. It just doesn't feel like Christmas to me. Something is missing and I can't put my finger on it. I don't know.

Well, I'm being eyeballed and that is never a good sign of anything, so I'm gonna stop before I get a head over my shoulder.

My brain is like a Senators...

Many of you may remember back in late summer, I was having migraines daily. After having an MRI, it was found that I have an AVM (arteriovenus malformation). I have had several MRI's over my lifetime and yet, this was never detected. My neurologist told me not to worry about it, if was congenital and would probably never bother me, yet this past week, a Senator ended up having major surgery to repair his.

Yet another reason I don't trust most doctors. I have said for years that I should just go ahead and go to med school since I seem to know more about my medical history than some of these doctors. Somehow when Daddy told me I could get a job at a doctor's office (making people sick, no less), I don't think he knew I would be more of a patient than an employee.

Yes, I am a walking dysfunctional medical nightmare. I never get a "cold", I get fricken' pulmonary disease or something only 1% of the U.S. population gets. I have had all the funky medical problems over the years, but I'm in good health. I thank God for this, but I'd like to smack my parents for the genes. (Well, Mama's side, I haven't been stricken with any of Daddy's family's illnesses).

Perfect example of my dear mother's genes: Earlier this week, my Mama passed out and now it is believed she had a stroke. Yet she refuses to go get an MRI to find out if she has the same AVM or a blockage. WTF??? One day, I'm going to go visit and she will be laying there. The thought terrifies me.

Anyway, the whole point of this is, if you have that gut feeling that something is wrong, like I did with the migraines, or you start talking funky or anything out of the ordinary, please, PLEASE go get it checked out. You don't want to end up like Senator Johnson.
Here's the article about the Senator along with some blurbs about what happens if he can't fulfill his duties, it will screw up who has the majority. I'm rattled long enough, I don't go into my thoughts on that!

Sen. Johnson responsive after brain surgery

South Dakota Democrat's health spurs questions of Senate control

WASHINGTON - Democratic Sen. Tim Johnson was "appropriately responsive to both word and touch" half a day after successful emergency brain surgery, but still leaving active the political drama over whether his illness could cost Democrats newly won control of the Senate.

Admiral John Eisold, Attending Physician of the United States Capitol released a statement Thursday afternoon saying Thompson "continued to have an uncomplicated post-operative course. Specifically, he has been appropriately responsive to both word and touch. No further surgical intervention has been required."

The South Dakota senator, 59, suffered from bleeding in the brain caused by a congenital malformation, the U.S. Capitol physician said.

The condition, usually present at birth, causes tangled blood vessels that can burst unexpectedly later in life.

Control of the Senate
Democrats hold a fragile 51-49 margin in the new Senate that convenes Jan. 4. If Johnson leaves the Senate, the Republican governor of South Dakota could appoint a Republican to fill the remaining two years of Johnson's term - keeping the Senate in GOP hands with Vice President Dick Cheney's tie-breaking power.

Incoming Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid visited Johnson in the hospital Thursday morning and said afterward he was confident the senator would recover fully.

Asked about whether Democratic control of the Senate might be jeopardized, Reid said, "There isn't a thing that's changed."

Reid refused to comment on Johnson's medical condition, declining to even answer a question on whether the senator was conscious. "To me he looked very good," Reid said.

Symptoms caught early
Johnson was taken to the hospital on Wednesday after becoming disoriented during a conference phone call with reporters. At first, he answered questions normally but then began to stutter. He paused, then continued stammering before appearing to recover and ending the call.

"The senator is recovering without complication," said Adm. John Eisold, the Capitol physician. "It is premature to determine whether further surgery will be required or to assess any long-term prognosis."

Eisold said doctors stopped bleeding in Johnson's brain and drained the blood that had accumulated there.

Johnson's condition, also known as AVM, or arteriovenous malformation, causes arteries and veins to grow abnormally large and become tangled.

The condition is believed to affect about 300,000 Americans, according to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke. The institute's Web site said only about 12 percent of the people with the condition experience symptoms, ranging in severity. It kills about 3,000 people a year.

The senator's wife, Barbara Johnson, said the family "is encouraged and optimistic."

In a statement from Johnson's office Thursday, she said her family was "grateful for the prayers and good wishes of friends, supporters and South Dakotans."

A person familiar with Johnson's situation said surgery began late Wednesday night and ended around 12:30 a.m. Thursday and that the next 24 to 48 hours would be critical in determining Johnson's condition. The person spoke on condition of anonymity out of respect for the senator's family.

If Johnson were forced to relinquish his seat, a replacement would be named by South Dakota's GOP Gov. Mike Rounds.

A Republican appointee would create a 50-50 tie, and allow the GOP to retain Senate control.

However, Senate historian Don Ritchie said senators serve out their terms unless they resign or die. Nine senators have remained in the Senate even though illnesses kept them away from the chamber for six months or more.

Rounds' press secretary, Mark Johnston, said Thursday the governor had nothing new to say. "We're watching as much as everyone else," he said.

The governor, elected to a second four-year term last month, has been widely seen as the Republican candidate with the best chance to challenge Johnson in two years.

Other than Rounds himself, top possibilities if a replacement senator were needed include Lt. Gov. Dennis Daugaard and state Public Utilities Commission Chairman Dusty Johnson, considered a rising star in the Republican Party. Retiring GOP legislative leaders, such as state House Speaker Matthew Michels and Senate Majority Leader Eric Bogue, also might be considered.

Johnson, who turns 60 later this month, was admitted to George Washington University hospital at midday after experiencing what his office initially said was a possible stroke.

His spokeswoman, Julianne Fisher, later told reporters that it had been determined that the senator had suffered neither a stroke nor a heart attack.

Fisher said that after making the conference call with reporters from the recording studio in the basement of the Capitol, he then walked back to his office but appeared to not be feeling well. The Capitol physician came to his office and examined him, and it was decided he should go to the hospital.

He was taken to the hospital by ambulance around noon, Fisher said. "It was caught very early," she said.

A brain specialist not involved with Johnson's care said there's no way to know until Johnson is awake and able to answer questions how much lingering damage, if any, the bleeding may have caused. Still, while he'll remain in intensive care for a while, "he has every chance of recovery," said Dr. William Bank, who treats AVM and other neurovascular disorders at Washington Hospital Center.

Political ramifications
Johnson is up for re-election in 2008.

In 1969, another South Dakota senator, Karl Mundt, a Republican, suffered a stroke while in office. Mundt continued to serve until the end of his term in January 1973, although he was unable to attend Senate sessions and was stripped of his committee assignments by the Senate Republican Conference in 1972.

Johnson, who was elected in 1996, holds the same seat previously held by Mundt.

South Dakota Secretary of State Chris Nelson said there were no special restrictions on an appointment by the governor and a replacement would not have to be from the same political party.

The Senate last convened with a perfect balance of 50 Republicans and 50 Democrats in January 2001. Then, the two parties struck a power-sharing agreement that gave control of the Senate to Republicans but gave Democrats equal representation on committees.

That arrangement lasted only until June 2001, when Vermont Republican James Jeffords became an independent who chose to vote with Democrats on organizational matters, giving Democrats control until Republicans won back the Senate in the 2002 midterm elections.

Johnson, a centrist Democrat, was first elected to the Senate in 1996 after serving 10 years in the House. He narrowly defeated Republican John Thune in his 2002 re-election bid. Thune defeated Sen. Tom Daschle, the former Senate Democratic leader, two years later.

Johnson is in line to become chairman of the Senate Ethics Committee.

He underwent prostate cancer treatment in 2004, and subsequent tests have shown him to be clear of the disease.

Johnson is the second senator to become ill after the Nov. 7 election. Wyoming Sen. Craig Thomas, a Republican, was diagnosed with leukemia on Election Day. He is back at work.

© 2006 The Associated Press.

Ok, it can start now

The holidays can start, I've seen How the Grinch Stole Christmas and I actually went to the mall. Woo Hoo, sometimes, I even impress myself.

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Little Red Ride

Well, my little red ride pooped out on me today. I have no idea what is wrong with it this time. Either the plugs or plug wires, I hope. Maybe it's something as simple as that.

Went to get a Christmas tree tonight, with no such luck. Too much to go into, but it boils down too sensory overload.

I am sitting here with the music blaring, trying to decide what to do. Well, in particular two things: the job issue and the car issue. I know I need to be rational about the car, it can be fixed. I don't need a car payment at this point in my life. I don't want one either. I'd rather focus on getting my butt into my own home again.

The job issue, well, if I want to never have a permenant schedule, I have the perfect job offer. But I'm too flighty as it is, I can't not know what shift I will work next. I have had Andrew with me going on 3 weeks in a row (except weekends) and I can't just up and send him back. I have fought too hard & too long to send my son back to staying with his dad all the time.

I guess I ought to get my butt in bed, 7 comes early these days. And having to go to the gyn/oncologist tomorrow is weighing heavily on my mind. So, I'm hoping sleep will come.

Here I go again

Since the last journal was compromised, here I go again. I guess we will see how long this one lasts, I hate that I lost all the others, but it was for the best, I suppose.
Let's see, I guess I'm supposed to start off as usual, with my day, etc.
My day sucked, the car broke-again. It's either the plug wires or the plugs. Don't know. Then Steve did not have patience at all tonight. I understand where he's coming from, he's never been around children. It seems my son is trying to test his patience. It also seems that Steve is up for a good challenge. I have a feeling that Steve will win this battle.
I got to talk to Gary this afternoon. It was really good to hear his voice. Some days I wonder what exactly is it that I felt for him, if that makes sense at all. Lord knows I don't have the same feelings for Steve that I have for Gary. I dunno, I'm confused. I reckon because I thought I was gonna lose Steve tonight over Andrew and it scared me. Scared me big time. So what is this?
I also got a phone call from Kevin. That was like talking to an old friend. There was no warm fuzzy feelings or anything like that, just one of those phone calls where you want to make sure the other person is ok because it's been so long since you talked to them. I'm not confused on the Kevin matter. It's over & done with. The pain is gone, I guess. I don't really ever think about it anymore. I guess the old saying about time will tell is true. Damnit, all these men and I can't pin down a "label" for any of them. I can say Gary is my best friend. I feel so comfortable and safe with him. I wish he felt the same. Ahhh, well, can't change the past.
Ok, well, I guess I'm done rambling.

Finding love

After years of commiserating about our love lives, within the last 3 months, both myself and my best friend Tammy have found something neither one of us thought we would never find again: Love.
Remember all those nights Tammy? We wondered what we had done to deserve the shitty ass men we landed? And how we wondered how all the sluts and whores landed the "good men".

Well girl, after talking to you the other day, I heard something in your I had not heard in a long time: happiness. Know what? You deserve it!!
I am very happy for you and whashisname (lmao). I hope he is the one you have been waiting for. Now as long as he understand that if he breaks your heart, I'll hurt him! And remember, Karma is a bitch and she will return in threefold.

As for me, this is a whole new ballgame for me. Time will tell and so far, things are looking good for the home team.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that I'm very happy for ya'll. I'll talk to you soon girl, love ya and miss ya very much!

Well, I didn't poison him

Well, dinner went well, I reckon. He left in one piece and got home in one piece. I didn't poison him or myself.

And the best part: nothing got burned!!

As easy as it was to cook dinner, I still hate to do it. But, I will. I mean, he needs fed and is all skinny & stuff. I even cleaned up my mess.

On a side note, Andrew cooked me eggs today. Poor kid, has learned already, if you wanna eat in this house, cook it yourself!!
There was no school play he was *sick* and stayed home with me and entertained me all day.

Part II of the Report Card Saga

As expected, nothing is going to happen to my son. To me, this is the equivalent of saying "that's ok, you can continue on this path". What type of example is this setting for him? If he thinks he can get away with not putting forth his best effort now, what will he be like in 10 years? If he would put 1/2 the effort into his school work as he puts into his Nintendo, X-Box and Playstation, he would be doing great.
I do have to say that Tysone was on my side. She took away his games. But Dale just seemed to think it was ok and we would wait until mid term reports to come out and see how things are going. Then the best line of all came "well, I didn't like school, it only makes sense that he wouldn't either"...like I said earlier, stupidity at its finest.
I'm so frustrated. I feel as though I have NO say in this at all. Yet one more reason why he should be in one home and not jumping from house to house. It's out of my hands now. I guess we shall see what happens.
On the upside, he asked me when Steve & I are getting married (kinda jumping to conclusions there isn't he?) He has decided he really likes Steve and wants him to be part of our lives. I asked what he thought about me moving, and he said as long as he gets a bedroom, he won't mind. So, I'm in a much, much better mood now. I have my son's blessing with my new relationship and that makes everything seem better somehow.

The words f*ck it come to mind

Okay, well, I'm grumpy this evening. Thanks to the dumb ass I call my ex husband. Rarely, thank God, do I get grumpy and stay that way for long. But damn, it seems like I'm truly surrounded by idiots. Not only did I have to spend the day with my mother (whole other blog), but now I have to put up with idiocy at its finest. And those of you who know me, know I despise stupidity.

Got my kid's report card this evening and it was bad. Not only did my kid lie to me about what grades he made, the dumb ass (ex husband, not kid) doesn't want to do anything about the grades he made. He is on his way over here to "discuss" things. Ground the kid, make him do extra work in the evening, maybe make your wife who is a TEACHER help him. Do fucking something, don't just fricken' pretend it will get better. I was told "just because you are an over achiever doesn't mean you should push it off on your son" WTF? Expecting good (at least passing grades) makes me a bad person?

I am trying to decide on a punishment for the lying. I am also trying to hold my temper right now because I'm getting ready to go off on the next poor sap who happens to say something to me in the wrong tone. Damn it, I hate feeling like this. Andrew informs me the moon is full. He has decided that is what is wrong with me. I asked him if maybe, just maybe it could be the fact that he is doing so poorly in school and lying to me could be the reason? With a resounding "No" and an eye roll, he walks off to await his fate.

I say "fuck it", I'm gonna have this fight and go to bed. I've had my limit and someone else's too. Tomorrow will be a better day, so I have been told. God, I hope so.

I should have a warning label

Tomorrow is Andrew's school Christmas play. Oh excuse me, Winter Holiday Play. Anyway, Steve has agreed to go (woo hoo). But first he's gonna come over & I'm gonna fix some supper. Yup. He's gonna eat MY cooking. Thank God Richie has been wrapped up in his own life here lately to give him the "speech" on my cooking. Dale being the turd that he is laughed so hard he choked when he heard I was gonna cook. I swear, you burn water ONE time and you never hear the end of it. I have been craving tacos, so I'm gonna fix those. I mean, how can I mess that up? Mama then informs me that if I'm trying to "catch" him, maybe I should forewarn him of my nonexistant cooking skills. She then decides he's so skinny that he needs a good cook and maybe I should take some cooking classes or something? LMAO.

Ok, so I'm not freakin' Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart, but I can cook. I just choose not to, for the most part. I have this thing about cooking. I know it's supposed to work like this; but it irritates me to no end: everything gets done at once. So I'm trying to grab stuff out of the oven, turn stuff off, pull things off the burner so it doesn't burn, and then you gotta make sure it's all done and not over cooked. Then you are expected to eat it? Shit on all that. I'll stick to simple things or as I have done in the past, you cook, I'll clean. Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me.
So, I have already went to the grocery store and got everything, then told various people about it, they start freaking me out.

Ok, to end this seemingly boring, gotta get it out before I explode blog, go check out Steve's blog. Steve's Famous Or should it be infamous? hmmm...either way, I think I'll keep him. Wait, maybe I should wait to make sure he survives tomorrow night...LMAO.

TO MY CHILD

Just for this morning I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a happy meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count the stars.

Just for this evening , I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the best gift even given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore. And as I kiss you goodnight, I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.

It is then that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I was cleaning up my computer, I came across this. I wish it was this easy to be a mother. I wish my son knew how much I love him, what lengths I have went for him and just how far I would go.

I never wanted children. But fate doesn't always give you what you want, nor what you ask for. So, I have a son and I would not change that for the world.

Our family is not the Cleavers by any stretch of the imagination. My son is bossy, whiny and even hateful at times. On the other hand, he's smart, extremely funny and a little charmer. But he is MY son and I love him no matter what his temperment of the day. Even when I want to throttle him, he's still my baby.

So, I guess I kept this to remind me of the things I should do with my son. As his grandmother repeatedly reminds me "they are only little once".

Having your cake & eating it too

When I was younger, all my parents had to do was back me into the corner and I would spill my guts. Hell, I'd tell them about stuff that my siblings had done years before. Yes, I was the tattle tale of the family. I can admit this now. At the time, I used it as protection. Having 2 older brothers and an older sister who frequently used me as a scapegoat did not set well with me, so I learned very early to spill my guts. Oh, I also learned that a quarter was not enough to make me tell all my secrets. However, if you negotiated it up to $1.00, I'd tell all and then some.

I was taught from a young age to tell the truth and expect nothing less from others. I still have this high standard. I have blogged about this once before when a friend lied to me. Well, tonight I'm gonna say a few words about the "lying by omission" part.

I screwed up tonight. As in, enough to lose a friendship over screwed up. I feel bad for this friend. He continually tells me he is happy and honestly, I'm happy FOR him. He honestly believes he is in love with this woman and if that is what does it for him, go for it. I'm not gonna stand in the way of "love".

So, how did I screw up? I called his home. Let me clarify this. He or (to give him the benefit of the doubt) his cell phone company screwed up a text message. 1^st text said to call him. 2^nd text said I'm at home. So, I'm assuming that means "call me at home", not thinking one thing about it, I found his home number and called. Next thing I know, I'm talking to his girlfriend/wife/fiancée, whatever the hell she is this week. OOOPPPSSS.

So, how does all this tie into the lying by omission? Because if he would just come out and tell this woman, "I'm still talking to her, we are friends, nothing more, nothing less and she has moved on with her life", I wouldn't feel so bad for him. To have to live a life where you feel you have to lie to your partner must be an awful existence. I personally couldn't do it. I have kept 1 secret that I know of from someone I loved, and it has almost ruined my life. I don't understand how to keep up with a lie. I mean, if you tell it, you have to remember it, right? Well, my memory is worthless these days, so that wouldn't work. Then, if lying by omission, you can't tell certain things you know or something you saw, whatever and everyone knows, my mouth runs constantly, so I would be the one to bust myself on that one. All in all, it just seems like too much trouble to me.

Steve made an excellent point when he said this guy wants to "have his cake, eat it and save some for later". I had never thought of it this way. Somehow it seems to be true. I'm not gonna hold it against my friend; it's just the way he is. But it's very irritating to have to "sneak" to talk or wait until someone's not around. I guess this was just a rambling on my part, but I still think that lying by omission is still lying. Just like cheating is cheating, no matter what form it takes. So, I'll end this with some clarification. We are friends, no matter what, I can tell him anything and I do. There is nothing he does not know about me. NOTHING. I don't want him as anything more than a friend. Some women just need to get over their insecurities about their men having female friends. Not all of us are after your men. Some of us have our own. And if you can't trust your man enough to have a female friend, maybe you should step back and evaluate your relationship, because who wants to be in a relationship without trust? I've been there and will never go back. I can FINALLY honestly say that I am in a relationship where I completely trust someone. Not only regarding other females, but with everything. And that is a really good feeling.

Pffftt..that's all I have to say

Not to be knocking on any one's religion. But all I have to say is Mass was longer than a Southern Baptist preaching at a whore convention trying to convert the sinners. Whew. The overall message was the same I suppose, other than the Mary aspect, but just how much is there to say in one sitting? Apparently a lot that I had forgotten about. I say this because growing up I was dragged (yes, dragged) to my mother's church (she's Catholic) and I had forgotten what a long drawn out process it is to be "forgiven" by the Church. I only say this because it seems (to me) that you are forgiven by the priest. I, personally, don't care for having a "middle man". Just me though. I'll go straight to the top, thank you.
I saw a friend tonight, one I hadn't seen for a while. All I will say on that subject is "damnit, keep in freakin' touch!!" I think I am the only human on earth who can go to a strange church and make it a social event.
Ok, it is 3 something in the morning and a rooster is crowing his little head off. What is wrong with that picture? First it was cows, now it's chickens?

My dearest Janie is on myspace now. I was very happy to see the email saying she was on here. She's been through hell these last few years and yet, always managed to keep a posititve attitude. Lord knows, she has given me some of the best advice of my life. And I saw where she's moving to KY. woo hoo. ROAD TRIP.

And I have one more question that is just bugging the everliving shit out of me tonight...why is it the words we want to hear never come from the ones we want?
Ok, 'nuff for now, time to go back and fight Lennon for bed space.

Tale of Two Children

Since so many have asked what the deal is with my ex, I figured I'd write a blog about it. This is our edited, watered down story.

August 24th, 1984. This was the day I would meet my future husband. Little did I know what an impact he would make on my life. Would I change meeting him? Yes. Honestly, I can say that I would never have spoken to him had I only known.

It started on the school bus. He was the new boy in town. It started innocently enough, the "check yes or no" letters. I can't say that I liked him. It was more of an annoyance than anything else. But eventually he wore me down. We became friends. He was a year older than I, a lot more experienced in life and quickly taught me the ropes, along with corrupting me. Not that I minded. We soon transitioned into intermediate school, now I guess they call it middle school. By this time, we were sexually active. Now, imagine your pre-teen being sexually active. You'd freak out. Hell, I'd freak out. But somehow, it didn't seem like a big deal to us. We used it as a "get away" from the life we both lived. His mother constantly changed boyfriends/husbands, he had no real father, he ran with a bad crowd and he was constantly in trouble. I was the good little girl who did no wrong in most people's eyes. My family life wasn't much better, the only exception being my parents were together at that time. We would meet and hide and talk for hours about how bad it sucked to be us. And what we would do when we grew up and children of our own. We knew at the tender ages of 9 & 10 that one day we would marry. This continued until high school. I will say that Kevin got me through some of the toughest years of my life. We went through life, death, rape, physical and mental abuse together.

At the age of 14, I met another "man", Dale, the father of my son, Andrew and my first husband. Even though I loved Kev with everything I had, I wanted Dale. Come to find out, the day I told him that it was through, he told me he had gotten a girl pregnant and was getting married. So, this was the beginning of the end. He married a girl named Angel in December. I began dating Dale. Fast forward to my senior year. He shows up on my door step. Of course, I didn't turn him away. That was my problem, I never could turn Kevin away. We caught up on old times and by this time, he had 2 sons, Justin & Billy. Over the years, he continued to pop up in my life when I least expected it.

July 4^th, 1997. The carnival. I took my little sisters to it. There he was. It had been 2 years. He had remarried, had another child, a daughter this time, Mary. I was yet to be married. I was more worried about my "career and education" than marriage. I left with him that night. I spent the entire summer with him. On August 17, 1997, by mutual agreement, I went back to Dale, he went back to salvage his marriage and be with his daughter. Again, fast forward to January 20, 1998, my son, Andrew Thomas was born. I brought him home and 2 days later, Kevin saw him for the first time. Dale never knew.
On August 17^th, 1998, Dale & I married. The reason? My insurance was going to run out from a COBRA policy. I needed insurance. So we married. On December 15^th, he left me. I won't go into details, as this is Kevin's story.

I moved on with my life. December 24^th, 1998, I got a call. It was Kevin, he was in jail and please don't let him spend Christmas Eve in jail. I didn't. This was to be the first of many, many times I would bail him out. I believe it was early May 1999 he was sent to prison the first time.

June 8^th, 2001, he was due to be released. Having sent letters back & forth for 2 years, I was ready for him to come home. I mistakenly thought I could be his salvation. I could change him. On August 24^th, 2001, we were sitting in my bedroom talking, and realized that it had been 17 years since the day we met. We talked about how mad my family would be if I married "that boy" (a nickname that has stuck with him to this day). We decided to get married. This was at 3 p.m. By 8 p.m., we were married; all to spite my family. Finally, my "dream" had come true. In reality, the nightmare had just begun.

All of this sounds so sweet and "aww, you married your childhood sweetheart". No, I married a crack head. Again to save time and painful memories, I'll just skim over the major parts. Kev was a journeyman welder, and a damn good one. On his way to becoming a welder inspector (would still like to see that happen). We traveled and moved every 90 days until 2004. In 2004, we settled back down here. It started up again. Leaving for days, money gone from the bank account, the excuses, the "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" and jail time. Finally last year, it was the final straw. As much as I loved Kevin, he has bled me to death. I had no money left, I had no self esteem, I was a broken person. Trying to live with a drug addict will eventually led to your death. I kicked him out. Since that time, he has been tried and convicted once more and will do somewhere around 4 years in prison.

There is so much more I could say, I could tell you about the knives being held to my throat, I could tell you about the copious amounts of crack and powder in my home, the multiple times the police came to my house with search dogs, fights with drug dealers, being followed, questioned by the ATF. So many things that I look back now and think "oh my God, how did I live through that?" I will tell you one thing. My son NEVER knew that Kevin did drugs. If nothing else, I protected my son. I may have been through hell and back but my son has not.

So, when asked tonight about August 24^th, 1984, this was the reason. Yes, I would change it, I would have never spoke to that boy had I known it would change my life forever.

Today, I got a letter, he's finally letting go. After 20+ years of being my best friend, he's letting go. Am I sad? No. I'm glad I finally came to my senses and got out while the getting was good. Will I ever forget? No, he was my life. Do I still love him? Yes but not as a wife should love a husband. More as a friend loves a friend. Will I ever go back? I will end this with an absolute HELL NO. I would spend the rest of my life alone before I would go back to the depths of hell that I just pulled myself out of.

Can you have both?

It seems this week was the one to talk about sex and relationships for a lot of my blogger friends. So, I have a few things to say about it; lots of questions though.

Can you have it all? Truly? Can you have the relationship coupled with almost perfect sex? The only reason I say almost is because some things have yet to be tried. And everyone knows you can't compliment the chef until you have samples all the dishes.

In the past, I have had some phenomenal sex but the relationship sucked. On the other hand, I have had the perfect relationship and the sex sucked. So why is it so damn hard to find both? Is it one of those elusive, soul mate things everyone keeps insisting is out there? Or am I just the only picky one in this world when it comes to relationship and sex?

Yes, I will admit, I have a mental checklist. If a guy meets the criteria, usually, the sex will happen. If he doesn't, forget it, he's a friend. And once he's a friend, it never crosses the line over to the lover section. However, I do have a number of former lovers that are still friends; and they never get to cross back to the other side. It seems my kindergarten teacher was right; I can't stay colored within the lines.

Now, I have found a perfect balance of both. I won't go into details on the sexual side of the relationship but I will tell you that it's all good. The other side of the relationship is almost too good to be true, with maybe one exception but hey, no one is perfect. Intelligent conversation, quite a few mutual interests, common goals for the future and something that is very important: trust and respect.

At any rate, you get the general idea about my new relationship. So the only question that remains unanswered: When will the other shoe drop? Yes, I'm a true pessimist when it comes to relationships and sex. There is always a catch somewhere. Or is there? Can I finally at 32, let go of the fear and just let things happen? I'm thinking so. Now, if we can get this kid situation straightened out, it will ALL be good.

If the eyes had no tears,The soul would have no rainbow.

Their names are Sarah Katherine and Robert Douglas. Born November 17th, 1996 Died, November 17th & 18th 1996.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

- Author Unknown -

"PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES"

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

"PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES"

- Written by an unknown author posted for all grieving parents –

Those numbers in Red on your calender

As I get older, I have come to detest holidays. I've heard a lot of parents say they can relive their youth through their children and holidays. Well here are my thoughts on that statement: It sucked the first time around, so why do it again?
Actually, to be fair about things, my childhood holiday memories are not too bad. I think mainly because my Nannie was included in them.

Once I started my first relationship, I soon realized that holidays were nothing more than rushing from one house to another, plastering a smile on your face and pretending to like your SO in-laws, praying to God that it would be over soon so that I could go back home and prop my ass in front of the TV., where I wanted to be in the first place. Well, that was the case with every previous relationship I've had. Then in 1996, holidays became a "chore" for me. That year, the glue of my family passed away. Then a week before Thanksgiving, my son and daughter died. So needless to say, Thanksgiving was not a time of thanks for me that year. And every year after it became a little harder to convince myself this was for the "good of the family".
Andrew came along and soon, my Thanksgiving Day became divided into 3 parts: my family, my SO's family and having family time with Andrew. Since Dale's family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, I get Andrew on Christmas Day. So to be fair about it, he has Andrew on Thanksgiving. They usually have a lunch, around 1 p.m. or so. I gotta throw in that I miss Sissy's sweet potato casserole. I still get a bowl every year. Perfect opportunity to "off" me, but they still love me, lol. But I digress; my family changes times from year to year. Depending on what everyone's in-laws are doing. So it seems this year we are having Thanksgiving, umm, "brunch", we will call it. Somewhere around 11:30-12. Too early for me to eat and too early for me to get Andrew.

So my thoughts on it all, is what is the point? I can't get my son, I see my family every week, we have a family dinner at the very least once a month, why do I have to drag my butt out of bed and go sit and look at them only to have a special meal. Yes, I know the history on Thanksgiving. Don't even get me started on that from a Native's point of view.

I guess my point is: Why would I need a special day to give Thanks, see my family & eat? I do this regularly. I don't need a day set aside to do it.
I'm starting to think Holidays should be optional. If you wanna come, fine, come, eat, drink & pretend to be happy. If you don't, sit your ass at home and watch whatever Marathon is on for the day.

I was telling Steve last night, there should be 3-4 holidays in a year. So here is Amie's Red letter days:

1.Christmas, which should be celebrated as it was meant to be, a religious holiday, not a commercial one.

2.Easter, because of the religious aspect.

3.April 2nd, my birthday, 'cause come on, let's face it; God broke the mold after me.

4. July 4th, because I like the fireworks and we should celebrate our country's independence.

Ok, maybe I'll concede and say let's throw in a Memorial Day/Veteran's Day in there, 'cause our Armed Forces should be honored and remembered. Valentine's Day is a complete waste of time, with or without a relationship. Another day I could ramble on for hours about.

But other than those, the rest of holidays should just be another black day on the calendar. But for the sake of my son, I reckon I'll play along for a few more years. But once he is able to drive himself to these events, he's on his own.

It's creeping by too slow

I have to wonder why when you are really looking forward to something, time creeps and then flies past you? But when you are dreading a day, it creeps so slow and then the whole day freaken' never ends???????
2 more days. I can do this. I have been through it 9 other times, so what makes this time so different? Is it the fact that I can't have any more children? Not that I want to, but damnit, I should have the choice if I wanted to.

I have been asked by friends & family what do I plan on doing. Well, I'm not quite sure. I damn sure don't wanna be social with my family. Screw that. I don't want a bunch of tears or pity. Ideally, I would like to pretend the day doesn't exist, but I know my heart won't let me do that. Dale has already claimed Andrew for the day, so that goes out the window. I'm certainly not going to spend the day with them, having to listen to the joys of pregnancy and looking at sonogram pictures of the new baby. I would hide in bed all day only if I was wrapped up in someone's arms, just talking. But work comes into play on that, so I'm screwed on that one too.

Shit...I just don't know. I'll figure it out when it gets here.

Pedestal Placement

When we fall in love with someone or make a new friend, we sometimes see that person in a glowing light. Their good qualities dominate the foreground of our perception and their negative qualities. They just don't seem to have any. This temporary state of grace is commonly known as putting someone on a pedestal. Often times we put spiritual leaders and our gurus on pedestals. We have all done this to someone at one time or another, and as long as we remember that no one is actually "perfect," the pedestal phase of a relationship can be enjoyed for what it is-a phase. It's when we actually believe our own projection that troubles arise.Everyone has problems, flaws, and blind spots, just as we do. When we entertain the illusion that someone is perfect, we don't allow them room to be human, so when they make an error in judgment or act in contradiction to our idea of perfection, we become disillusioned. We may get angry or distance ourselves in response. In the end, they are not to blame for the fact that we idealized them. Granted, they may have enjoyed seeing themselves as perfect through our eyes, but we are the ones who chose to believe an illusion. If you go through this process enough times, you learn that no one is perfect. We are all a combination of divine and human qualities and we all struggle. When we treat the people we love with this awareness, we actually allow for a much greater intimacy than when we held them aloft on an airy throne. The moment you see through your idealized projection is the moment you begin to see your loved one as he or she truly is.We cannot truly connect with a person when we idealize them. In life, there are no pedestals-we are all walking on the same ground together. When we realize this, we can own our own divinity and our humanity. This is the key to balance and wholeness within ourselves and our relationships.

This made perfect sense to me today. Except I have the opposite problem. I seem to seek out their flaws and not look for the good qualities. I guess that comes from getting burned one too many times and not being able to trust no one but myself. Just thought I'd share that with everyone.

Thanks Wendy for this.
submitted courtesy of www.sexywitchy.com

All my ex's should live in Texas

This weekend was the weekend from Hell when it came to the EX's. I think they should be outlawed. Literally. If you don't have a child with them, they should just *poof* disappear. Well, not mine. One likes to torture me with words, the other one likes to beg. The one who tortures me and calls me a "bad mother" decided it was a good idea to harass me last night. I think it's very impolite to call a person who can NEVER have children again and tell them your new wife is pregnant, especially when the 10 year anniversary of your children's death is in less than a week. Maybe it's just me? Dunno, just kinda think it's mean and spiteful. But I know my son will be a great big brother and I do wish them good luck. Honestly, I really do. The other one, seeing as his only means of communication is writing, decided to write two letters. And of course the first one was begging me not to leave his ass (umm, hello, I'm not the one who is in prison for being a crack head???), and the second one was about my son. I won't go into that one. I got it taken care of.

On to "happier stuff", Thursday we went to my sisters for dinner. Jac, Mama & Terry did not chew Steve up and spit him out. I somehow fully expected them to rip him a new one with questions. I must say they were very polite. Hell, I only caught a few jabs from Terry. Mostly about cooking and me being an airhead. (Yes, I am a self-professed airhead) This morning, Mama told me that she liked Steve because he let her dog sit on his lap. As if he had a choice Anyway, that's kinda nice to know, because so far the two people my Mama has ever liked has been Dale and Tim.

The weekend was good. I have found that you don't come between a man and his computer Steve got to drive the car. And damnit, I was gonna get a picture of it and forgot. Jac was impressed. The last person I let drive it was my Daddy, and I wasn't around to see it. I only got us "lost" once and technically it wasn't lost, I knew the road we was on, I just went in the wrong direction. By the time we got back to his house, I was shivering.

Le got a job. She is going to be working in the kitchen at the Mission Home. Not around knives though. I'm so very proud of her. Damnit, I miss her. I told her the other day, if I thought I could get away with it, I would be gone tomorrow. I'd pack my stuff and go. I'd love to live out there with my Daddy for a while, but I'd really miss my Mama. And I have about a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting permission for Andrew to go with me. But he really, really needs to learn his heritage. There is so much that I can't teach him.
Speaking of Andrew, he's got a crush. The object of his affection is a little girl who he has gone to school with since kindergarten whose name is Brianna. She's a beautiful little girl. He went with me into the store, spotted her, his face went red, he started sputtering, and behind my back he went. I swear, now I know what they are talking about when they say "hiding behind Mama's skirts". I grilled him about it on the way to school and he kept telling me to be quiet. The whole time he denied it, but you could see his little face just light up. Steve told me not to mess it up for him. How could I, his Mama, mess this up for him? **Sigh** my baby is growing up. He'll be 9 in a little over 2 months.

I am going to wrap this up now; just wanted to update everyone on life in my world. At least the world has stopped spinning so fast and I can finally take a look at what is going on around me and enjoy it. About freakin' time. And right now, from where I stand, things are looking pretty good.

Reasons Why

Reason Why I Shouldn't Talk To Tammy Until 2 a.m.

1. It seems we get into too much trouble. It's a good thing we don't live close, 'cause the neighbors would throw our asses out. By the way, to whoever listened to that recording, umm, sorry, I'm sure you really didn't want to hear our plots of revenge. Or about our cherries...lol.

2. We are some mean, spiteful bitches when together. And damnit, it feels good to be able to talk shit about the ex's.

3. Drunk dialing is not a good thing. If you didn't get a phone call, consider yourself lucky, she didn't know your phone ... BTW, I only instigate. And damnit, I'm good at it.

4. I am expected to be a mommy in less than 4 hours.

Ok, end of the rambling...

What's wrong with this picture?

Since Andrew is here, I can't check on the results for Senator. So, I went to my local news website and here is what I found.

..

Umm, Hello?? Since When is Britney Spears filing for divorce a part of "Decision 2006 & Early Results"?

Am I the only one who thinks this is absurd?

Cows, Cats & Guns

With the weekend gone and the beginning of the week upon me, I feel like my mind is on a merry-go-round. So forgive me if this jumps from topic to topic.

Cows. I personally have nothing against them. They don't bother me, whether alive or on my plate getting ready to eat one. Well, let me rephrase that, they didn't bother me until this past weekend. The moon was either full or just very bright all weekend long. So, I've decided that is what got these damn cows going. They mooed (is that a word?) all night long. And I don't mean 1 cow or even 2 cows. I'm talking an entire herd of cows. Now, I could have understood if they had just taken their babies away from them or another cow died and was lying there, but to just stand there & moo all night is ridiculous. Ever hear a sound such as a clock ticking and you can't get it out of your mind once you hear it? Well, once I heard those cows, I couldn't turn the sound off. All weekend, even when not anywhere near these noisy creatures, I heard mooing.
I think I'm going insane. Isn't hearing things a sign of insanity?

Cats. I love them, as long as they know their place. Which is supposed to be near me when I want to pet them or where ever cats hide when I'm not interested. But I inherited my Nannie's cat, Joshua. Joshua is a whopping 4/5 lb, balding cat who is going into her 22nd year of life. As in people years. Up until recently, Joshua hated me. Then she figured out that I wanted to pet her. And honestly, the only reason I wanted to pet her is because I thought she hated me. Hey, I tried to make friends with the cat. Early Friday morning, she jumped up on my lap, where it just so happens that a laptop was. Within minutes, my wireless connection starts going haywire. So, again, with my reasoning, ok, the cat jumped on it, pushed a bunch of crap, she screwed it up. Nope. After a day of messing with the computer, come to find out, it was AOL screwing up my connection. So, I owe the cat an apology for bitching about her all weekend. Now, how are you supposed to apologize to a cat, which is completely clueless as to what I've been thinking all weekend and all day long? I have no idea, but Andrew seems to think that I have forever scarred Joshua's psyche by blaming her for my computer troubles.

A few weeks ago, Andrew & I sited in his guns. No big deal. So when asked if I wanted to go shooting, I readily agreed. After all, I love to shoot. I have since found out that I pretty much suck at it. LOL. I have lost my touch over the years. I love handguns, but prefer rifles. So, next time, maybe I'll get to shoot the "big guns", ya know the ones that will knock me on my ass. So, maybe I haven't lost my touch, maybe it's because I rely on a scope too much. But if a stranger is coming into my home, will I honestly take time to sight him in to shoot?...ummm, hell no.

Misty & I went to the park today, with her children. We had a long talk about forgiveness. I have known Misty for 20+ years. She has been through hell with her family. She was smart enough to get away from then while she had the chance. Being emancipated at an early age, we both had to grow up quickly. However, it has taken a toll on both of us emotionally. Anyway, she has turned to her faith to lead her through hard times. I won't say what I turned to, but needless to say, it hasn't been my faith. Now, after all these years of being estranged from her family, she has forgiven them and is happier than ever. This had made me think long and hard about things that have happened in the past. I just wonder if holding a grudge holds a person back. As in being "happy". My theory has always been, I can forgive, but I can't forget. Now, I'm wondering if forgetting about things wouldn't just be easier... I don..t know... just some random thought going through my head.

For all my dear friends who have emailed me and messaged me about the new "relationship", I'll answer this here, just because I'm too lazy today to answer each & every one. Things are going very well (I think). No, we haven..t' had any fights yet and no major political/religious debates. He's too well versed in both for me to have a fighting chance. And yes, I have rolled my eyes, LMAO...thanks ya'll for caring enough to ask!!

Halloween-Our style

As I sit here and watch the Live Ghost Hunter's episode, I decided that I would go ahead and post these two pictures. Dale & I have always went together with our respective partners to take Andrew trick or treatin', which is pretty good, considering we really don't like each other. But we do it for the sake of our kid. Anyway, years ago, when Andrew was just a baby, Dale started the tradition of putting him in the truck and taking him up and down the road my sister lives on. This happens to this day, only now, my nieces and nephews go, along with all their parents. So tonight, in Dale's new truck, an F250 powerstroke (he needed it with our asses, lol), we packed the kids up and went out. At least it was warm. In fact, it was nice enough that we just wore light jackets. Andrew refused to wear his mask. So, he went as himself and as we came home, he declared that was his last year. So did everyone else. Andrew is standing in the middle. We ended up with 10 kids in the back, along with 8 adults. Yeah, we are redneck...but the kids had fun and that's all that matters.
Erin didn't want to wear her hat anymore and no one would carry the damn dog, so, here I am...notice the doggie's outfit. Flashback to an episode of Green Acres.

And now, I'm off to finish up this episode of GH. Damn, I can't believe I stayed up this late just to watch a T.V. show, that is just messed up in so many ways.

***sorry, pics have been deleted since posted***

Budweiser, Liquor and wine, oh my!

I lost a good friend today...lmao....apparently, I have a UTI, came on this morning. Well, my nephrologist have told me time and again to drink a few beers when I feel one coming on...and of course water..ick.
So this evening, once I know I'm home, I dig into the Budweiser. I bought some last week for the same thing. I have 2 double deuces, and I'm chugging along, not thinking about it. Well, I stand up and whew, it hit my gut like a fricken ton of bricks. Not my head, mind you, my stomach. I won't go into details. But let's just say, my son now thinks beer is a poison....
So, I learned something this weekend. Sex on the Beach is not good for my kidneys.....lmao, the drink or the act....

So me & Budweiser are parting ways...apparently, liquor and I are too, if it's gonna do that to me. This sucks. At this rate, I'll end up a wino, pushing a shopping cart on the market. But hey, at least I'll have Gucci bags....

He deserved so much more...

Pedophile killer forcibly tattooed with 'Katie's Revenge'
COLUMBUS, Indiana (AP) -- An inmate accused of forcibly tattooing a slain 10-year-old girl's name onto her killer's forehead in an Indiana prison was the victim's cousin, a family friend said.Jared Harris, 22, is a cousin of Katlyn "Katie" Collman, family friend and spokesman Terry Gray told The Republic newspaper. He said he did not believe they knew each other well.Harris, 22, who is serving time on a burglary conviction at Wabash Valley state prison in Carlisle, Indiana has been charged with battery and accused of tattooing "KATIE'S REVENGE" across Anthony Ray Stockelman's forehead.Harris told prison officials the attack was in revenge, according to an affidavit.Stockelman is serving a life sentence after pleading guilty to abducting, molesting and killing the fourth-grader, who lived about 70 miles south of Indianapolis. She was missing for five days before her body was found January 30, 2005, in a creek about 15 miles from her home.The affidavit said prison officials transferred Harris to the same prison wing as Stockelman on September 19, three days before the attack, and that Harris subsequently threatened Stockelman's life several times.Harris slipped into the open cell Stockelman shared with another prisoner on September 22 and, when Stockelman returned, Harris closed the locking cell door, according to the affidavit.Stockelman told investigators that Harris put his right hand around his throat and told him, "I'm either gonna stick you and leave you bleeding or I'm gonna tattoo you." After applying the tattoo, Harris discarded the tattoo gun in a prison trash can, he told investigators.It was unclear how he had gotten the tattoo gun.

My thoughts:
I would have just castrated the fucker while I had him. Crap on that scarring him for life. I mean, who else is gonna see it anyway? Not only that, but who is gonna know who Katie is? Get him where it will effect him the most. Either that or just toss him out into the general population and say "free bitch".....
Yes I have a little bit of contempt for child molesters.....

Assorted colors

This week is Red Ribbon Week at my son's school. For those who don't know what that is, it is a week to educate kids on how to stay away from drugs and pretty much what drugs are all about. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for drug education, especially considering what I have went through and what my ex put me through. However, I think they take things too far at times.
I smoke. Yes, it is one of my very few vices. I have never tried to quit. Other than the 4 pregnancies and when I was in the hospital, I have smoked for about 10 years. Sure, I smoked in intermediate school and high school, but I didn't really "smoke" I have no doubt I am addicted; however, I smoke because I like it. I even don't mind paying the taxes on the things. But, I digress.
All week, I have been told that I am doing drugs. That's right; they are teaching our children that nicotine is a bad drug. Yes, it is. However, I don't think the schools have the right to tell MY child to tell me in every other sentence to quit using drugs. It's about to drive me insane. Ok, off my soap box to another subject, this one much more lighthearted.
Each day during Red Ribbon Week, the kids do something different. For example, today is "Crazy Hair Day" and "Wear Something Orange". So, I get Andrew an orange t-shirt. My sister calls last night, she is on her way to my house, with the spray in hair color. You see this a lot around Halloween. I didn't think much about it at the time, believing it was for Andrew next week. Oh No. That is what I get for thinking. My dear sister had the brilliant idea to spray the dye in Andrew's hair. The dye just so happens to be orange. What she failed to tell us is it also has glitter in it. Being the "good mother" that I am, I become the guinea pig. In other words, let's see what it does to Mama's hair before we put it in Andrew's, just in case.
Now, I will admit, I dye my hair. Most of the time, just a basic flat black. Due to the lovely genes inherited by my father, I started getting grey at 24. The last time I dyed it, Gary and his daughter Ashley helped. We dyed it black, and then put the bold red highlights in it. The bold red didn't take anywhere but in the back of my head. That was over a month ago, so it is in need of having the roots done.
My child takes this orange spray dye and coats my hair with it. Right down to the roots. First it was in streaks. I could handle that. It even showed up. Kinda cute, funky look for me. Then, he decides let's put a little more in there. He ends up putting it on the un-dyed roots of my hair.
So, guess what folks? This spray on dye which is supposed to wash out with warm water DOES NOT wash out with warm water. I have 3 colors, orange, red and black. I look like the poster child for fruit loops. I have washed my hair 5 times in less than 12 hours. Not only that, but I also have a beautiful glitter all over. Literally, all over. Not only my hair, but my neck, my back, my face and on my arms.
Oh, the things we will do for our children. Know what? I think I'll go have a cigarette.

She's back

As much emphasis that I place on the male friends being different from female friends, it is nice to have them. A man tore us apart (mine) and oddly enough, a man (hers) brought us back together.

The woman I speak of has been my best friend for 3 or 4 years now. Anyway, we met through ex's and stayed together when the ex's were gone. She knows me better than I know myself, and vice versa. We have partied, loved, hated and cried together. She is the true definition of a good friend.

Anyway, for those who have not yet heard of Tammy, you will hear of her frequently once again. No words need to be said between us. Just I missed you.

So Tammy, I have missed you and thought of you often. Things have changed greatly in the last month. I will catch you up over one of our long phone calls. I love you girl.

Hot damn, I'm finished....

Ok, down to 3 classes left. I think I'll end up taking psychology, abnormal of course. That will be my last class, and I'll be done with my brilliant idea of going back to college at the ripe old age of 31, now being 32, thank God I'm almost done. I have to say the last 18 months have been very hard, but well worth it.

I had 3 different friends, including a former English professor, proof my paper, give me some feedback, I just finished it and sent the damn thing in. Woo Hoo, I'm done with it.

So, I can concentrate on other things until class starts. Chess? Mmm, not what I had in mind, but that will do for now.

Learning to play chess

Strategy. Not one of my strong points. Maybe chess should not be the easiest way to practice this? Especially with someone with a military background.

I have always wanted to play chess. The brothers would never teach me. Honestly, I never had the attention span to learn. Now, I'm wondering if I have the brain capacity to retain what I did learn. I have found out now that chess is a game of scenarios. What if, what might and how do I?... These methods, I have only applied to life, not small pieces with strange names that have rules on which way they can move. But, I am up for the challenge, if Steve has patience.

The weekend went well, no drunken nights to speak of, which is fine. Maybe I just needed a weekend of peace and quiet. Last night however was a different story, get my family together and you can't get a word in edgewise. Talk about sensory overload. I can't blame someone for bolting. LOL. And with the holidays coming up, I may end up doing the same. Wonder when I became such an anti-social person? Maybe it's just with my family. Lord knows I love them all, but they are becoming a handful.

Friday is my last day of class. I only have 9 credits left. One paper due before then, and all I really need to do on that is proof it. Sure don't want to be polically incorrect :grrr: All I need is to lose points and lower my GPA. Bad enough it's at a 3.97. Then it's off to Algebra and another admin class. Who knew they would have classes on how to be bossy, I thought I had that covered years ago? Ought to ace that class....