venting

I was talking to Steve the other day about hopes, dreams and unanswered prayers. I know that one should never live in the past. If for no other reason than you cannot change it, nor is it fair to the person you are with. So I try not to do the "what might have been" deal. There is no "what might have been", you have what you have and you deal with it the best way you can. For me, that seems to make life a little easier. I can look at the people I am no longer with and know that I already know what might have been. They had their chances and I had mine. Tim is in federal prison, Kevin is in state prison and Dale is happily married and has a beautiful daughter. So there is where my "what might have been" went. I have been truly blessed with every relationship I have ever been in. I have loved with everything I have and in return, they loved me with everything they had to give. But, as we all know, sometimes love is not enough. But what happens when the breakdown of a relationship is not with a boyfriend, lover or spouse? Then what?

Some have mentioned to me that I never speak of my father, other than in passing. I guess the reason why I don't mention my Daddy is there is not much to say. And what I do have to say hurts too much to say. I will say that I absolutely 100% love my stepmom, little sisters and brother, (not so little anymore, all in their early 20's). I would not trade having them in my life for anything. Not even having my parents back together again. Once again, an unanswered prayer are unanswered for a reason. Just like any other little girl, I always dreamed of the perfect wedding, the white dress, everyone looking at just you, your Daddy walking you down the aisle and riding away in a limo. Somewhere along the way, my intentions of having this dream wedding got skewered a bit. Now that I'm older, I know that I am within my own power to have just such a wedding. Or so I thought.
All the planning is going perfect. My sister-in-law, Lisa, who is still quarantined from having a stem-cell transplant, is helping me plan. And believe me, she is good. She knows her stuff. 'Cause, y'all know me, I'd show up in sweat pants and a tshirt if I could. Steve and I know what we want and how we want it. When deciding on a date, we took into consideration all holidays, church holidays, birthdays and other relatives wedding anniversaries. (Let's face it, we don't want to celebrate our Golden wedding anniversary with Uncle Fred and his 20 kids with 10 different women) I think we picked the perfect date. Since there is no reason to wait (we do live together), we decided on November 8th. It's past All Saint's Day, before Thanksgiving and the start of Advent. No one except my niece Cheyenne is having a birthday that we will have to celebrate. So, I call Pastor Cecie and we have the church booked. Things are going smoothly. And you know what happens when things go smoothly in my life. The shit is about to hit the fan somewhere along the line. It hit on Sunday when I found out my father is not coming to the wedding.
There is no consolation. I don't care what anyone tells me, there is simply no rhyme or reason why you should miss your child's wedding. Especially your youngest daughters.(I am his youngest daughter biologically) It's inexplicable and I can't fathom in my head the why's of it all. I'm hurt, I've been sick and I can't make it go away.
I've always had this abandonment issue anyway and now this. This is like the smack upside the face that has been coming all my life. I want to say fuck him. I want to say Screw you, you weren't there when it counted anyway. My MAMA was there for me. My MAMA is the reason I'm alive. But, of course, being the good daughter that I am, I won't say these things to him (this time), because in the end, that will ultimately cut him out of my life for good. And I cannot emotionally handle that in any way shape or form. When it comes right down to it, that is my Daddy, the only man I have ever known (or not known) as a father figure.
So tell me, what is the reason behind this unanswered prayer? Is there something that is right in front of me that I cannot see? Am I missing the forest for the trees??
And as a heads up, this blog is locked down so only a selected few can read it. The ones I truly trust and love, so know if you are reading this......I'm asking you for your help.