Wednesday, November 28, 2007

What is trust?

I have trust issues. Apparently so did my mother because she always told me, "NEVER trust a man who says 'trust me'" While this somehow holds to be a true statement in my life, I can't through go through life not trusting people. I would be a miserable person. I also know that I have had 3 failed relationships due to trust issues.
What happens when you finally do let down the walls you have built? You let someone "in".
How do you define trust? Is it something that you discuss at the beginning of a relationship? Do you sit down and say "these are the ground rules, if you break one, you lose my trust?"

What happens when the trust is broken? Do you give up and chalk it up to yet another life experience gone wrong? Or do you try your best to learn how to trust that person again? How can you trust a person when you can never find out if they are hurting you except by accident? How can you give a person who has hurt you blind trust? Can it be done? If so, how?

A lot has happened in the last 24 hours. As usual, all I have are questions and no answers. Right now, I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground. A lot of hurdles have been thrown in my path. I don't know how to "fix" what is broken. How can you fix something that the other person doesn't believe is broken?

I know this is a confusing post. I also know I may be "airing my dirty laundry" It is a chance I am willing to take to get it help/advise/answers.
I hurt and for once in my life, I don't have anyone to turn to and say "what do I do now?" I don't know how to start healing and stop the pain.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I'll Admit It

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm a Gadget Geek. I love little things that have no real purpose but to amuse me. Take bubble wrap for example. I love that stuff, I can sit and pop it for hours. But wait, bubble wrap isn't a "gadget" is it? Well, it is now!

So today in my internet travels, I found a really cool website.
I could waste a lot of money on some of the stuff on there.

So, if you are one that likes little gadgets and pointless things, go check it out:

Coolest Gadgets

If I Had A Warning Label

It would say:


Sex , Lies and Videotape??

When meeting my boyfriend, I knew he was quite the perv, as I can be at times. However, what I did not know is that he would continue his conquests online. And how did I find out this information? He left a website page logged onto my computer. I found it accidentally when I went to view the page (we both belong to this particular forum).
I'm pissed beyond reason. I have no idea what I should do. I did tell him about finding it but I didn't go into details. No clue what to do.

Is cyber sex considered cheating?

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Who you’d be today

Their names are Sarah Katherine and Robert Douglas. Born November 17th, 1996 Died, November 17th & 18th 1996.

Is it easier to lose a child whom you have never gotten to know? Or is it easier to lose a child you have just borne?

I don't think there is an answer to that question. As the birthday/anniversary of the twins birth and death is upon me, I have questioned myself. After seeing what Gordon went through with Samantha's death, I still have no answers. He had 19 years to get to know her; I barely had 19 hours. I often find myself wondering what their personalities would be like, who would they look like, who would they be?

At Samantha's funeral, they played a song by Kenny Chesney, Who You'd Be Today. Somehow I find that song appropriate for yesterday and today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

Friday, November 9, 2007

Instructions to Civilians

Iann, my little brother sent this to me, figured I'd share. Don't forget Veteran's Day is on Monday.

Dear Civilians,

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:
1. The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest---kick their ass.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all Veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces" and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or Veteran lucky enough to be carrying her. Of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

6. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a Veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our military Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked!

7. "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me---stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick your ass!

8. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commies!" And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me---if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!

9. "Flyboy" (Air Force), "Jarhead" (Marines), "Grunt" (Army), "Squid" (Navy), "Puddle Jumpers" (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked.

10. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get it's ass kicked.

I will add one more...

11. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in Spanish - KICK THEIR ASS.

It is the Veteran, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

It is the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It is the Veteran, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

It is the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who fights for the rights of the protester who burns the flag.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a Veteran!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Season, Reason or a Lifetime?

They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Somehow I tend to lump my friends into one of those categories. For example, I have a friend Misty, who I have known and kept in touch with since elementary school. I consider her to be someone I will know for the rest of my life. Yes, we disagree on a lot of things but in the end, we are still there for each other.

The friends who have drifted into my life for a season or two, such as co-workers or friends of friends, if I don't hear from them in years, that is ok. I know they are living their lives and should we pass each other on a street, we will stop and catch up.

The ones who come into my life for a reason are the ones who have taught me something. The lessons I have learned are usually something I can apply to my other relationships.

Today, as is my morning habit, I was reading the paper. (Ok, it's on the computer, but I still call it the paper). I always look in the obituaries, not sure why, guess I'm just morbid that way. And looking back at me was someone who I have thought of many times, but had not seen since last summer. Her name was Tammi. (Not to be confused with my best friend Tammy, she's still alive and sassy as ever!!) I also noticed her family spelled her name with an "e", she hated being "Tammie", she like "Tammi", because it made her unique. To me, that just shows me how much people misunderstood her.

Tammi came into my life when things were at its most chaotic. Kevin was in the rehab, having just been diagnosed with schizophrenia. She was in the rehab because she was bi-polar and generally unstable. The first thing I remember about her is she was so small and helpless looking. I used to tease her that she was the only one to stare at my boobs, because that is as high as she could see.

Like a cute little puppy, Tammi grew on you quickly. I knew there was something "more" going on between Kevin and Tammi, but at that point, I just didn't care anymore. I was living with Tim, I was "happy".

One day I went home to get more clothes (I still maintained my own home) and there they were. Kevin had brought her home with him. She had no where to go, her husband was brought up on drug charges, her kids had been taken from her, and her house had been foreclosed on.

What could I do? I accepted her as a part of the family. Eventually her daughter came to live there. My relationship with Tim was not what I wanted, so I moved home. Suddenly, I was living with my husband and his girlfriend. I don't believe I ever actively thought of her as competition. I just knew her as a friend who needed a family and someone to help take care of her. Hell, I was taking care of Kevin, had a 3 year old son, why not add another kid and a bi-polar, mostly manic woman to the mix? Kevin soon told me he was "in love" with her. I can remember my exact thought "why her? She's a mess." But you can't help who you love.

You can't help who you love. That is what Tammi taught me. You can't change how you feel, even if the person you love hurts you to your core, you still love them. Like that cute helpless puppy, you will continue to go back to the one who hurts you. Over the years, I have learned however that you can control how much influence that person has over you.

As for Tammi, she married a boy named Andy who was 14 years her junior. She literally left our house and moved into his. From what I understand, that didn't last very long. I believe it was her 4th marriage. Tammi lived a sad, chaotic life. When she was manic, she had a blast, but when she came back down, she hit rock bottom. I guess this time she just didn't have the strength to pull herself back up from that black pit of despair.

I have a Bible she once gave me; along with a bookmark that reads "when life has you down, look up". I have no doubt that Tammi no longer has to look up for help. She is finally free of a chronic, life changing disease that has a horrible stigma attached to it. It is a shame it had to end this way.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I wanna be a penguin

I get up every morning and watch the Today Show. This week is their "Ends of the Earth" week. This morning, Ann Curry did a segment on Penguins.
After watching it and saying "aww" a few times, I realized that guys should be more like penguins.
First, male penguins like their females fat. (yup, got that part covered)
Second, they are monogamous. Well, at least for a year or so and then the next year they will try to find the same partner again.
Third, the female lays the egg, transfers it to the male and heads back out to eat. The male will not leave the egg until it is hatched. If the female is gone, he cares for it untils he returns.
Another cool thing about the penguins is they huddle together for warmth. How could that be bad? Yeah, it's like -20 or colder at times, but you still have all your other penguin buddies to help keep you warm. (and remember, you get to be fat too!)
So, in my next life, I wanna be a penguin. I just hope sharks don't like to eat penguins.

Monday, November 5, 2007

shhh, I'm hunting wabbits again

We took Andrew out over the weekend for his first time shooting a pistol. He seemed to really like it. He actually paid attention to what he was doing and he listened very well to Steve. Sadly, like his Mama, he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. We'll work on that later.

I took the pumpkin left over from Halloween and we all took turns trying to "carve" a new face for it.

So here are the pics.