Thursday, November 30, 2006

To My Child


Just for this morning I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a happy meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count the stars.

Just for this evening , I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the best gift even given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore. And as I kiss you goodnight, I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer.

It is then that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day............


As I was cleaning up my computer, I came across this. I wish it was this easy to be a mother. I wish my son knew how much I love him, what lengths I have went for him and just how far I would go.

I never wanted children. But fate doesn't always give you what you want, nor what you ask for. So, I have a son and I would not change that for the world.

Our family is not the Cleavers by any stretch of the imagination. My son is bossy, whiny and even hateful at times. On the other hand, he's smart, extremely funny and a little charmer. But he is MY son and I love him no matter what his temperment of the day. Even when I want to throttle him, he's still my baby.

So, I guess I kept this to remind me of the things I should do with my son. As his grandmother repeatedly reminds me "they are only little once".

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Having your cake & eating it too

When I was younger, all my parents had to do was back me into the corner and I would spill my guts. Hell, I'd tell them about stuff that my siblings had done years before. Yes, I was the tattle tale of the family. I can admit this now. At the time, I used it as protection. Having 2 older brothers and an older sister who frequently used me as a scapegoat did not set well with me, so I learned very early to spill my guts. Oh, I also learned that a quarter was not enough to make me tell all my secrets. However, if you negotiated it up to $1.00, I'd tell all and then some.

I was taught from a young age to tell the truth and expect nothing less from others. I still have this high standard. I have blogged about this once before when a friend lied to me. Well, tonight I'm gonna say a few words about the "lying by omission" part.

I screwed up tonight. As in, enough to lose a friendship over screwed up. I feel bad for this friend. He continually tells me he is happy and honestly, I'm happy FOR him. He honestly believes he is in love with this woman and if that is what does it for him, go for it. I'm not gonna stand in the way of "love".

So, how did I screw up? I called his home. Let me clarify this. He or (to give him the benefit of the doubt) his cell phone company screwed up a text message. 1st text said to call him. 2nd text said I'm at home. So, I'm assuming that means "call me at home", not thinking one thing about it, I found his home number and called. Next thing I know, I'm talking to his girlfriend/wife/fiancée, whatever the hell she is this week. OOOPPPSSS.

So, how does all this tie into the lying by omission? Because if he would just come out and tell this woman, "I'm still talking to her, we are friends, nothing more, nothing less and she has moved on with her life", I wouldn't feel so bad for him. To have to live a life where you feel you have to lie to your partner must be an awful existence. I personally couldn't do it. I have kept 1 secret that I know of from someone I loved, and it has almost ruined my life. I don't understand how to keep up with a lie. I mean, if you tell it, you have to remember it, right? Well, my memory is worthless these days, so that wouldn't work. Then, if lying by omission, you can't tell certain things you know or something you saw, whatever and everyone knows, my mouth runs constantly, so I would be the one to bust myself on that one. All in all, it just seems like too much trouble to me.

Steve made an excellent point when he said this guy wants to "have his cake, eat it and save some for later". I had never thought of it this way. Somehow it seems to be true. I'm not gonna hold it against my friend; it's just the way he is. But it's very irritating to have to "sneak" to talk or wait until someone's not around. I guess this was just a rambling on my part, but I still think that lying by omission is still lying. Just like cheating is cheating, no matter what form it takes. So, I'll end this with some clarification. We are friends, no matter what, I can tell him anything and I do. There is nothing he does not know about me. NOTHING. I don't want him as anything more than a friend. Some women just need to get over their insecurities about their men having female friends. Not all of us are after your men. Some of us have our own. And if you can't trust your man enough to have a female friend, maybe you should step back and evaluate your relationship, because who wants to be in a relationship without trust? I've been there and will never go back. I can FINALLY honestly say that I am in a relationship where I completely trust someone. Not only regarding other females, but with everything. And that is a really good feeling.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Pffftt..that's all I have to say

Not to be knocking on any one's religion. But all I have to say is Mass was longer than a Southern Baptist preaching at a whore convention trying to convert the sinners. Whew. The overall message was the same I suppose, other than the Mary aspect, but just how much is there to say in one sitting? Apparently a lot that I had forgotten about. I say this because growing up I was dragged (yes, dragged) to my mother's church (she's Catholic) and I had forgotten what a long drawn out process it is to be "forgiven" by the Church. I only say this because it seems (to me) that you are forgiven by the priest. I, personally, don't care for having a "middle man". Just me though. I'll go straight to the top, thank you.
I saw a friend tonight, one I hadn't seen for a while. All I will say on that subject is "damnit, keep in freakin' touch!!" I think I am the only human on earth who can go to a strange church and make it a social event.
Ok, it is 3 something in the morning and a rooster is crowing his little head off. What is wrong with that picture? First it was cows, now it's chickens?

My dearest Janie is on myspace now. I was very happy to see the email saying she was on here. She's been through hell these last few years and yet, always managed to keep a posititve attitude. Lord knows, she has given me some of the best advice of my life. And I saw where she's moving to KY. woo hoo. ROAD TRIP.

And I have one more question that is just bugging the everliving shit out of me tonight...why is it the words we want to hear never come from the ones we want?
Ok, 'nuff for now, time to go back and fight Lennon for bed space.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Tale of Two Children

Since so many have asked what the deal is with my ex, I figured I'd write a blog about it. This is our edited, watered down story.

August 24th, 1984. This was the day I would meet my future husband. Little did I know what an impact he would make on my life. Would I change meeting him? Yes. Honestly, I can say that I would never have spoken to him had I only known.

It started on the school bus. He was the new boy in town. It started innocently enough, the "check yes or no" letters. I can't say that I liked him. It was more of an annoyance than anything else. But eventually he wore me down. We became friends. He was a year older than I, a lot more experienced in life and quickly taught me the ropes, along with corrupting me. Not that I minded. We soon transitioned into intermediate school, now I guess they call it middle school. By this time, we were sexually active. Now, imagine your pre-teen being sexually active. You'd freak out. Hell, I'd freak out. But somehow, it didn't seem like a big deal to us. We used it as a "get away" from the life we both lived. His mother constantly changed boyfriends/husbands, he had no real father, he ran with a bad crowd and he was constantly in trouble. I was the good little girl who did no wrong in most people's eyes. My family life wasn't much better, the only exception being my parents were together at that time. We would meet and hide and talk for hours about how bad it sucked to be us. And what we would do when we grew up and children of our own. We knew at the tender ages of 9 & 10 that one day we would marry. This continued until high school. I will say that Kevin got me through some of the toughest years of my life. We went through life, death, rape, physical and mental abuse together.

At the age of 14, I met another "man", Dale, the father of my son, Andrew and my first husband. Even though I loved Kev with everything I had, I wanted Dale. Come to find out, the day I told him that it was through, he told me he had gotten a girl pregnant and was getting married. So, this was the beginning of the end. He married a girl named Angel in December. I began dating Dale. Fast forward to my senior year. He shows up on my door step. Of course, I didn't turn him away. That was my problem, I never could turn Kevin away. We caught up on old times and by this time, he had 2 sons, Justin & Billy. Over the years, he continued to pop up in my life when I least expected it.

July 4th, 1997. The carnival. I took my little sisters to it. There he was. It had been 2 years. He had remarried, had another child, a daughter this time, Mary. I was yet to be married. I was more worried about my "career and education" than marriage. I left with him that night. I spent the entire summer with him. On August 17, 1997, by mutual agreement, I went back to Dale, he went back to salvage his marriage and be with his daughter. Again, fast forward to January 20, 1998, my son, Andrew Thomas was born. I brought him home and 2 days later, Kevin saw him for the first time. Dale never knew.
On August 17th, 1998, Dale & I married. The reason? My insurance was going to run out from a COBRA policy. I needed insurance. So we married. On December 15th, he left me. I won't go into details, as this is Kevin's story.

I moved on with my life. December 24th, 1998, I got a call. It was Kevin, he was in jail and please don't let him spend Christmas Eve in jail. I didn't. This was to be the first of many, many times I would bail him out. I believe it was early May 1999 he was sent to prison the first time.

June 8th, 2001, he was due to be released. Having sent letters back & forth for 2 years, I was ready for him to come home. I mistakenly thought I could be his salvation. I could change him. On August 24th, 2001, we were sitting in my bedroom talking, and realized that it had been 17 years since the day we met. We talked about how mad my family would be if I married "that boy" (a nickname that has stuck with him to this day). We decided to get married. This was at 3 p.m. By 8 p.m., we were married; all to spite my family. Finally, my "dream" had come true. In reality, the nightmare had just begun.

All of this sounds so sweet and "aww, you married your childhood sweetheart". No, I married a crack head. Again to save time and painful memories, I'll just skim over the major parts. Kev was a journeyman welder, and a damn good one. On his way to becoming a welder inspector (would still like to see that happen). We traveled and moved every 90 days until 2004. In 2004, we settled back down here. It started up again. Leaving for days, money gone from the bank account, the excuses, the "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" and jail time. Finally last year, it was the final straw. As much as I loved Kevin, he has bled me to death. I had no money left, I had no self esteem, I was a broken person. Trying to live with a drug addict will eventually led to your death. I kicked him out. Since that time, he has been tried and convicted once more and will do somewhere around 4 years in prison.

There is so much more I could say, I could tell you about the knives being held to my throat, I could tell you about the copious amounts of crack and powder in my home, the multiple times the police came to my house with search dogs, fights with drug dealers, being followed, questioned by the ATF. So many things that I look back now and think "oh my God, how did I live through that?" I will tell you one thing. My son NEVER knew that Kevin did drugs. If nothing else, I protected my son. I may have been through hell and back but my son has not.

So, when asked tonight about August 24th, 1984, this was the reason. Yes, I would change it, I would have never spoke to that boy had I known it would change my life forever.

Today, I got a letter, he's finally letting go. After 20+ years of being my best friend, he's letting go. Am I sad? No. I'm glad I finally came to my senses and got out while the getting was good. Will I ever forget? No, he was my life. Do I still love him? Yes but not as a wife should love a husband. More as a friend loves a friend. Will I ever go back? I will end this with an absolute HELL NO. I would spend the rest of my life alone before I would go back to the depths of hell that I just pulled myself out of.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Can you have both?

It seems this week was the one to talk about sex and relationships for a lot of my blogger friends. So, I have a few things to say about it; lots of questions though.

Can you have it all? Truly? Can you have the relationship coupled with almost perfect sex? The only reason I say almost is because some things have yet to be tried. And everyone knows you can't compliment the chef until you have samples all the dishes.

In the past, I have had some phenomenal sex but the relationship sucked. On the other hand, I have had the perfect relationship and the sex sucked. So why is it so damn hard to find both? Is it one of those elusive, soul mate things everyone keeps insisting is out there? Or am I just the only picky one in this world when it comes to relationship and sex?

Yes, I will admit, I have a mental checklist. If a guy meets the criteria, usually, the sex will happen. If he doesn't, forget it, he's a friend. And once he's a friend, it never crosses the line over to the lover section. However, I do have a number of former lovers that are still friends; and they never get to cross back to the other side. It seems my kindergarten teacher was right; I can't stay colored within the lines.

Now, I have found a perfect balance of both. I won't go into details on the sexual side of the relationship but I will tell you that it's all good. The other side of the relationship is almost too good to be true, with maybe one exception but hey, no one is perfect. Intelligent conversation, quite a few mutual interests, common goals for the future and something that is very important: trust and respect.

At any rate, you get the general idea about my new relationship. So the only question that remains unanswered: When will the other shoe drop? Yes, I'm a true pessimist when it comes to relationships and sex. There is always a catch somewhere. Or is there? Can I finally at 32, let go of the fear and just let things happen? I'm thinking so. Now, if we can get this kid situation straightened out, it will ALL be good.

Friday, November 17, 2006

If the eyes had no tears,The soul would have no rainbow.

Their names are Sarah Katherine and Robert Douglas. Born November 17th, 1996 Died, November 17th & 18th 1996.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

- Author Unknown -


The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.


- Written by an unknown author posted for all grieving parents –

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Those numbers in Red on your calender

As I get older, I have come to detest holidays. I've heard a lot of parents say they can relive their youth through their children and holidays. Well here are my thoughts on that statement: It sucked the first time around, so why do it again?
Actually, to be fair about things, my childhood holiday memories are not too bad. I think mainly because my Nannie was included in them.

Once I started my first relationship, I soon realized that holidays were nothing more than rushing from one house to another, plastering a smile on your face and pretending to like your SO in-laws, praying to God that it would be over soon so that I could go back home and prop my ass in front of the TV., where I wanted to be in the first place. Well, that was the case with every previous relationship I've had. Then in 1996, holidays became a "chore" for me. That year, the glue of my family passed away. Then a week before Thanksgiving, my son and daughter died. So needless to say, Thanksgiving was not a time of thanks for me that year. And every year after it became a little harder to convince myself this was for the "good of the family".
Andrew came along and soon, my Thanksgiving Day became divided into 3 parts: my family, my SO's family and having family time with Andrew. Since Dale's family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, I get Andrew on Christmas Day. So to be fair about it, he has Andrew on Thanksgiving. They usually have a lunch, around 1 p.m. or so. I gotta throw in that I miss Sissy's sweet potato casserole. I still get a bowl every year.
Perfect opportunity to "off" me, but they still love me, lol. But I digress; my family changes times from year to year. Depending on what everyone's in-laws are doing. So it seems this year we are having Thanksgiving, umm, "brunch", we will call it. Somewhere around 11:30-12. Too early for me to eat and too early for me to get Andrew.

So my thoughts on it all, is what is the point? I can't get my son, I see my family every week, we have a family dinner at the very least once a month, why do I have to drag my butt out of bed and go sit and look at them only to have a special meal. Yes, I know the history on Thanksgiving. Don't even get me started on that from a Native's point of view.

I guess my point is: Why would I need a special day to give Thanks, see my family & eat? I do this regularly. I don't need a day set aside to do it.
I'm starting to think Holidays should be optional. If you wanna come, fine, come, eat, drink & pretend to be happy. If you don't, sit your ass at home and watch whatever Marathon is on for the day.

I was telling Steve last night, there should be 3-4 holidays in a year. So here is Amie's Red letter days:

1.Christmas, which should be celebrated as it was meant to be, a religious holiday, not a commercial one.

2.Easter, because of the religious aspect.

3.April 2nd, my birthday, 'cause come on, let's face it; God broke the mold after me.

4. July 4th, because I like the fireworks and we should celebrate our country's independence.

Ok, maybe I'll concede and say let's throw in a Memorial Day/Veteran's Day in there, 'cause our Armed Forces should be honored and remembered. Valentine's Day is a complete waste of time, with or without a relationship. Another day I could ramble on for hours about.

But other than those, the rest of holidays should just be another black day on the calendar. But for the sake of my son, I reckon I'll play along for a few more years. But once he is able to drive himself to these events, he's on his own.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

It's creeping by too slow

I have to wonder why when you are really looking forward to something, time creeps and then flies past you? But when you are dreading a day, it creeps so slow and then the whole day freaken' never ends???????
2 more days. I can do this. I have been through it 9 other times, so what makes this time so different? Is it the fact that I can't have any more children? Not that I want to, but damnit, I should have the choice if I wanted to.

I have been asked by friends & family what do I plan on doing. Well, I'm not quite sure. I damn sure don't wanna be social with my family. Screw that. I don't want a bunch of tears or pity. Ideally, I would like to pretend the day doesn't exist, but I know my heart won't let me do that. Dale has already claimed Andrew for the day, so that goes out the window. I'm certainly not going to spend the day with them, having to listen to the joys of pregnancy and looking at sonogram pictures of the new baby. I would hide in bed all day only if I was wrapped up in someone's arms, just talking. But work comes into play on that, so I'm screwed on that one too.

Shit...I just don't know. I'll figure it out when it gets here.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Pedestal Placement

When we fall in love with someone or make a new friend, we sometimes see that person in a glowing light. Their good qualities dominate the foreground of our perception and their negative qualities. They just don't seem to have any. This temporary state of grace is commonly known as putting someone on a pedestal. Often times we put spiritual leaders and our gurus on pedestals. We have all done this to someone at one time or another, and as long as we remember that no one is actually "perfect," the pedestal phase of a relationship can be enjoyed for what it is-a phase. It's when we actually believe our own projection that troubles arise.Everyone has problems, flaws, and blind spots, just as we do. When we entertain the illusion that someone is perfect, we don't allow them room to be human, so when they make an error in judgment or act in contradiction to our idea of perfection, we become disillusioned. We may get angry or distance ourselves in response. In the end, they are not to blame for the fact that we idealized them. Granted, they may have enjoyed seeing themselves as perfect through our eyes, but we are the ones who chose to believe an illusion. If you go through this process enough times, you learn that no one is perfect. We are all a combination of divine and human qualities and we all struggle. When we treat the people we love with this awareness, we actually allow for a much greater intimacy than when we held them aloft on an airy throne. The moment you see through your idealized projection is the moment you begin to see your loved one as he or she truly is.We cannot truly connect with a person when we idealize them. In life, there are no pedestals-we are all walking on the same ground together. When we realize this, we can own our own divinity and our humanity. This is the key to balance and wholeness within ourselves and our relationships.

This made perfect sense to me today. Except I have the opposite problem. I seem to seek out their flaws and not look for the good qualities. I guess that comes from getting burned one too many times and not being able to trust no one but myself. Just thought I'd share that with everyone.

Thanks Wendy for this.
submitted courtesy of

All my ex's should live in Texas

This weekend was the weekend from Hell when it came to the EX's. I think they should be outlawed. Literally. If you don't have a child with them, they should just *poof* disappear. Well, not mine. One likes to torture me with words, the other one likes to beg. The one who tortures me and calls me a "bad mother" decided it was a good idea to harass me last night. I think it's very impolite to call a person who can NEVER have children again and tell them your new wife is pregnant, especially when the 10 year anniversary of your children's death is in less than a week. Maybe it's just me? Dunno, just kinda think it's mean and spiteful. But I know my son will be a great big brother and I do wish them good luck. Honestly, I really do. The other one, seeing as his only means of communication is writing, decided to write two letters. And of course the first one was begging me not to leave his ass (umm, hello, I'm not the one who is in prison for being a crack head???), and the second one was about my son. I won't go into that one. I got it taken care of.

On to "happier stuff", Thursday we went to my sisters for dinner. Jac, Mama & Terry did not chew Steve up and spit him out. I somehow fully expected them to rip him a new one with questions. I must say they were very polite. Hell, I only caught a few jabs from Terry. Mostly about cooking and me being an airhead. (Yes, I am a self-professed airhead) This morning, Mama told me that she liked Steve because he let her dog sit on his lap. As if he had a choice Anyway, that's kinda nice to know, because so far the two people my Mama has ever liked has been Dale and Tim.

The weekend was good. I have found that you don't come between a man and his computer Steve got to drive the car. And damnit, I was gonna get a picture of it and forgot. Jac was impressed. The last person I let drive it was my Daddy, and I wasn't around to see it. I only got us "lost" once and technically it wasn't lost, I knew the road we was on, I just went in the wrong direction. By the time we got back to his house, I was shivering.

Le got a job. She is going to be working in the kitchen at the Mission Home. Not around knives though. I'm so very proud of her. Damnit, I miss her. I told her the other day, if I thought I could get away with it, I would be gone tomorrow. I'd pack my stuff and go. I'd love to live out there with my Daddy for a while, but I'd really miss my Mama. And I have about a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting permission for Andrew to go with me. But he really, really needs to learn his heritage. There is so much that I can't teach him.
Speaking of Andrew, he's got a crush. The object of his affection is a little girl who he has gone to school with since kindergarten whose name is Brianna. She's a beautiful little girl. He went with me into the store, spotted her, his face went red, he started sputtering, and behind my back he went. I swear, now I know what they are talking about when they say "hiding behind Mama's skirts". I grilled him about it on the way to school and he kept telling me to be quiet. The whole time he denied it, but you could see his little face just light up. Steve told me not to mess it up for him. How could I, his Mama, mess this up for him? **Sigh** my baby is growing up. He'll be 9 in a little over 2 months.

I am going to wrap this up now; just wanted to update everyone on life in my world. At least the world has stopped spinning so fast and I can finally take a look at what is going on around me and enjoy it. About freakin' time. And right now, from where I stand, things are looking pretty good.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Reasons Why

Reason Why I Shouldn't Talk To Tammy Until 2 a.m.

1. It seems we get into too much trouble. It's a good thing we don't live close, 'cause the neighbors would throw our asses out. By the way, to whoever listened to that recording, umm, sorry, I'm sure you really didn't want to hear our plots of revenge. Or about our

2. We are some mean, spiteful bitches when together. And damnit, it feels good to be able to talk shit about the ex's.

3. Drunk dialing is not a good thing. If you didn't get a phone call, consider yourself lucky, she didn't know your phone ... BTW, I only instigate. And damnit, I'm good at it.

4. I am expected to be a mommy in less than 4 hours.

Ok, end of the rambling...

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

What's wrong with this picture?

Since Andrew is here, I can't check on the results for Senator. So, I went to my local news website and here is what I found.


Umm, Hello?? Since When is Britney Spears filing for divorce a part of "Decision 2006 & Early Results"?

Am I the only one who thinks this is absurd?

Monday, November 6, 2006

Cows, Cats & Guns

With the weekend gone and the beginning of the week upon me, I feel like my mind is on a merry-go-round. So forgive me if this jumps from topic to topic.

Cows. I personally have nothing against them. They don't bother me, whether alive or on my plate getting ready to eat one. Well, let me rephrase that, they didn't bother me until this past weekend. The moon was either full or just very bright all weekend long. So, I've decided that is what got these damn cows going. They mooed (is that a word?) all night long. And I don't mean 1 cow or even 2 cows. I'm talking an entire herd of cows. Now, I could have understood if they had just taken their babies away from them or another cow died and was lying there, but to just stand there & moo all night is ridiculous. Ever hear a sound such as a clock ticking and you can't get it out of your mind once you hear it? Well, once I heard those cows, I couldn't turn the sound off. All weekend, even when not anywhere near these noisy creatures, I heard mooing.
I think I'm going insane. Isn't hearing things a sign of insanity?

Cats. I love them, as long as they know their place. Which is supposed to be near me when I want to pet them or where ever cats hide when I'm not interested. But I inherited my Nannie's cat, Joshua. Joshua is a whopping 4/5 lb, balding cat who is going into her 22nd year of life. As in people years. Up until recently, Joshua hated me. Then she figured out that I wanted to pet her. And honestly, the only reason I wanted to pet her is because I thought she hated me. Hey, I tried to make friends with the cat. Early Friday morning, she jumped up on my lap, where it just so happens that a laptop was. Within minutes, my wireless connection starts going haywire. So, again, with my reasoning, ok, the cat jumped on it, pushed a bunch of crap, she screwed it up. Nope. After a day of messing with the computer, come to find out, it was AOL screwing up my connection. So, I owe the cat an apology for bitching about her all weekend. Now, how are you supposed to apologize to a cat, which is completely clueless as to what I've been thinking all weekend and all day long? I have no idea, but Andrew seems to think that I have forever scarred Joshua's psyche by blaming her for my computer troubles.

A few weeks ago, Andrew & I sited in his guns. No big deal. So when asked if I wanted to go shooting, I readily agreed. After all, I love to shoot. I have since found out that I pretty much suck at it. LOL. I have lost my touch over the years. I love handguns, but prefer rifles. So, next time, maybe I'll get to shoot the "big guns", ya know the ones that will knock me on my ass. So, maybe I haven't lost my touch, maybe it's because I rely on a scope too much. But if a stranger is coming into my home, will I honestly take time to sight him in to shoot?...ummm, hell no.

Misty & I went to the park today, with her children. We had a long talk about forgiveness. I have known Misty for 20+ years. She has been through hell with her family. She was smart enough to get away from then while she had the chance. Being emancipated at an early age, we both had to grow up quickly. However, it has taken a toll on both of us emotionally. Anyway, she has turned to her faith to lead her through hard times. I won't say what I turned to, but needless to say, it hasn't been my faith. Now, after all these years of being estranged from her family, she has forgiven them and is happier than ever. This had made me think long and hard about things that have happened in the past. I just wonder if holding a grudge holds a person back. As in being "happy". My theory has always been, I can forgive, but I can't forget. Now, I'm wondering if forgetting about things wouldn't just be easier... I don..t know... just some random thought going through my head.

For all my dear friends who have emailed me and messaged me about the new "relationship", I'll answer this here, just because I'm too lazy today to answer each & every one. Things are going very well (I think). No, we haven..t' had any fights yet and no major political/religious debates. He's too well versed in both for me to have a fighting chance. And yes, I have rolled my eyes, LMAO...thanks ya'll for caring enough to ask!!