Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Halloween-Our style

As I sit here and watch the Live Ghost Hunter's episode, I decided that I would go ahead and post these two pictures. Dale & I have always went together with our respective partners to take Andrew trick or treatin', which is pretty good, considering we really don't like each other. But we do it for the sake of our kid. Anyway, years ago, when Andrew was just a baby, Dale started the tradition of putting him in the truck and taking him up and down the road my sister lives on. This happens to this day, only now, my nieces and nephews go, along with all their parents. So tonight, in Dale's new truck, an F250 powerstroke (he needed it with our asses, lol), we packed the kids up and went out. At least it was warm. In fact, it was nice enough that we just wore light jackets. Andrew refused to wear his mask. So, he went as himself and as we came home, he declared that was his last year. So did everyone else. Andrew is standing in the middle. We ended up with 10 kids in the back, along with 8 adults. Yeah, we are redneck...but the kids had fun and that's all that matters.
Erin didn't want to wear her hat anymore and no one would carry the damn dog, so, here I am...notice the doggie's outfit. Flashback to an episode of Green Acres.

And now, I'm off to finish up this episode of GH. Damn, I can't believe I stayed up this late just to watch a T.V. show, that is just messed up in so many ways.

***sorry, pics have been deleted since posted***

Monday, October 30, 2006

Budweiser, Liquor and wine, oh my!

I lost a good friend today...lmao....apparently, I have a UTI, came on this morning. Well, my nephrologist have told me time and again to drink a few beers when I feel one coming on...and of course water..ick.
So this evening, once I know I'm home, I dig into the Budweiser. I bought some last week for the same thing. I have 2 double deuces, and I'm chugging along, not thinking about it. Well, I stand up and whew, it hit my gut like a fricken ton of bricks. Not my head, mind you, my stomach. I won't go into details. But let's just say, my son now thinks beer is a poison....
So, I learned something this weekend. Sex on the Beach is not good for my kidneys.....lmao, the drink or the act....

So me & Budweiser are parting ways...apparently, liquor and I are too, if it's gonna do that to me. This sucks. At this rate, I'll end up a wino, pushing a shopping cart on the market. But hey, at least I'll have Gucci bags....

He deserved so much more...

Pedophile killer forcibly tattooed with 'Katie's Revenge'
COLUMBUS, Indiana (AP) -- An inmate accused of forcibly tattooing a slain 10-year-old girl's name onto her killer's forehead in an Indiana prison was the victim's cousin, a family friend said.Jared Harris, 22, is a cousin of Katlyn "Katie" Collman, family friend and spokesman Terry Gray told The Republic newspaper. He said he did not believe they knew each other well.Harris, 22, who is serving time on a burglary conviction at Wabash Valley state prison in Carlisle, Indiana has been charged with battery and accused of tattooing "KATIE'S REVENGE" across Anthony Ray Stockelman's forehead.Harris told prison officials the attack was in revenge, according to an affidavit.Stockelman is serving a life sentence after pleading guilty to abducting, molesting and killing the fourth-grader, who lived about 70 miles south of Indianapolis. She was missing for five days before her body was found January 30, 2005, in a creek about 15 miles from her home.The affidavit said prison officials transferred Harris to the same prison wing as Stockelman on September 19, three days before the attack, and that Harris subsequently threatened Stockelman's life several times.Harris slipped into the open cell Stockelman shared with another prisoner on September 22 and, when Stockelman returned, Harris closed the locking cell door, according to the affidavit.Stockelman told investigators that Harris put his right hand around his throat and told him, "I'm either gonna stick you and leave you bleeding or I'm gonna tattoo you." After applying the tattoo, Harris discarded the tattoo gun in a prison trash can, he told investigators.It was unclear how he had gotten the tattoo gun.

My thoughts:
I would have just castrated the fucker while I had him. Crap on that scarring him for life. I mean, who else is gonna see it anyway? Not only that, but who is gonna know who Katie is? Get him where it will effect him the most. Either that or just toss him out into the general population and say "free bitch".....
Yes I have a little bit of contempt for child molesters.....

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Assorted colors

This week is Red Ribbon Week at my son's school. For those who don't know what that is, it is a week to educate kids on how to stay away from drugs and pretty much what drugs are all about. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for drug education, especially considering what I have went through and what my ex put me through. However, I think they take things too far at times.
I smoke. Yes, it is one of my very few vices. I have never tried to quit. Other than the 4 pregnancies and when I was in the hospital, I have smoked for about 10 years. Sure, I smoked in intermediate school and high school, but I didn't really "smoke" I have no doubt I am addicted; however, I smoke because I like it. I even don't mind paying the taxes on the things. But, I digress.
All week, I have been told that I am doing drugs. That's right; they are teaching our children that nicotine is a bad drug. Yes, it is. However, I don't think the schools have the right to tell MY child to tell me in every other sentence to quit using drugs. It's about to drive me insane. Ok, off my soap box to another subject, this one much more lighthearted.
Each day during Red Ribbon Week, the kids do something different. For example, today is "Crazy Hair Day" and "Wear Something Orange". So, I get Andrew an orange t-shirt. My sister calls last night, she is on her way to my house, with the spray in hair color. You see this a lot around Halloween. I didn't think much about it at the time, believing it was for Andrew next week. Oh No. That is what I get for thinking. My dear sister had the brilliant idea to spray the dye in Andrew's hair. The dye just so happens to be orange. What she failed to tell us is it also has glitter in it. Being the "good mother" that I am, I become the guinea pig. In other words, let's see what it does to Mama's hair before we put it in Andrew's, just in case.
Now, I will admit, I dye my hair. Most of the time, just a basic flat black. Due to the lovely genes inherited by my father, I started getting grey at 24. The last time I dyed it, Gary and his daughter Ashley helped. We dyed it black, and then put the bold red highlights in it. The bold red didn't take anywhere but in the back of my head. That was over a month ago, so it is in need of having the roots done.
My child takes this orange spray dye and coats my hair with it. Right down to the roots. First it was in streaks. I could handle that. It even showed up. Kinda cute, funky look for me. Then, he decides let's put a little more in there. He ends up putting it on the un-dyed roots of my hair.
So, guess what folks? This spray on dye which is supposed to wash out with warm water DOES NOT wash out with warm water. I have 3 colors, orange, red and black. I look like the poster child for fruit loops. I have washed my hair 5 times in less than 12 hours. Not only that, but I also have a beautiful glitter all over. Literally, all over. Not only my hair, but my neck, my back, my face and on my arms.
Oh, the things we will do for our children. Know what? I think I'll go have a cigarette.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

She's back

As much emphasis that I place on the male friends being different from female friends, it is nice to have them. A man tore us apart (mine) and oddly enough, a man (hers) brought us back together.

The woman I speak of has been my best friend for 3 or 4 years now. Anyway, we met through ex's and stayed together when the ex's were gone. She knows me better than I know myself, and vice versa. We have partied, loved, hated and cried together. She is the true definition of a good friend.

Anyway, for those who have not yet heard of Tammy, you will hear of her frequently once again. No words need to be said between us. Just I missed you.

So Tammy, I have missed you and thought of you often. Things have changed greatly in the last month. I will catch you up over one of our long phone calls. I love you girl.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Hot damn, I'm finished....

Ok, down to 3 classes left. I think I'll end up taking psychology, abnormal of course. That will be my last class, and I'll be done with my brilliant idea of going back to college at the ripe old age of 31, now being 32, thank God I'm almost done. I have to say the last 18 months have been very hard, but well worth it.

I had 3 different friends, including a former English professor, proof my paper, give me some feedback, I just finished it and sent the damn thing in. Woo Hoo, I'm done with it.

So, I can concentrate on other things until class starts. Chess? Mmm, not what I had in mind, but that will do for now.

Learning to play chess

Strategy. Not one of my strong points. Maybe chess should not be the easiest way to practice this? Especially with someone with a military background.

I have always wanted to play chess. The brothers would never teach me. Honestly, I never had the attention span to learn. Now, I'm wondering if I have the brain capacity to retain what I did learn. I have found out now that chess is a game of scenarios. What if, what might and how do I?... These methods, I have only applied to life, not small pieces with strange names that have rules on which way they can move. But, I am up for the challenge, if Steve has patience.

The weekend went well, no drunken nights to speak of, which is fine. Maybe I just needed a weekend of peace and quiet. Last night however was a different story, get my family together and you can't get a word in edgewise. Talk about sensory overload. I can't blame someone for bolting. LOL. And with the holidays coming up, I may end up doing the same. Wonder when I became such an anti-social person? Maybe it's just with my family. Lord knows I love them all, but they are becoming a handful.

Friday is my last day of class. I only have 9 credits left. One paper due before then, and all I really need to do on that is proof it. Sure don't want to be polically incorrect :grrr: All I need is to lose points and lower my GPA. Bad enough it's at a 3.97. Then it's off to Algebra and another admin class. Who knew they would have classes on how to be bossy, I thought I had that covered years ago? Ought to ace that class....

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Much needed weekend

For once, I can actually say, TGIF. Ok, so let's not get real technical, due to insomnia, it is Saturday, but any way...
I'm leaving tomorrow to go to a friend's house for a long weekend. I love the fact that he is going to babysit for his sister. That is just so sweet. Hell, only reason my brothers wanted my son was to pick up chicks at Texas Steakhouse. Sad thing is, it worked. My poor child, who knows what he was subjected to, all those girls cooing over him, thinking my brother was a single father and how precious is was. BLAH. But back to the original subject. I have told him that I feel a drunk coming on. So, I am heading out tomorrow sometime and plan on getting thoroughly shit faced and taking advantage of someone! Oh yeah, he told me I couldnt' take advantage of the willing. Hmm..well, at any rate, I'm ready to go now!!

My house has been chaos for days now. Mostly due to my son & my ex husband. I swear, hunting season comes around and the testosterone levels go through the roof. I hope Andrew gets his first deer this year, otherwise, I'm gonna go nuts listening to him.

My baby sister & mom go back home on Monday, I think. I will miss her greatly. I had forgotten how much fun we have together. I think we giggled all day long. I still can't believe she's 21. Damn, I'm getting old. The thought of her being a woman just shocks me. I guess it's like Andrew, I turned around and poof, she was grown. Won't be long it will be my baby brother's birthday. Strange, I always asked for a baby brother, got him finally, and I ended up being closer to my baby sister. But he still holds a special place in my heart, even if he is a snob.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I know I plan on having a really good one. It's cool like that now, I finally found someone I can sit down with and have those deep dark conversations with. Not sure how much impact I make on the conversation, but hey, at least it's interesting.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Do you think he's a military prick?

Ok, people are messing with friends again..so ya'll back us up here.......

Funny, I still prefer to be called Sergeant Military Prick...or perhaps Disabled Veteran .

Read my blog:


Tell me what you think...Was I wrong to tell him that I disagreed with his views and no longer wanted to be his friend?

Did I call him names like I'm still a 3rd grader or name calling an automatic reaction from some people.

Best Idea yet. After you post comments to my blog...send him an email.


Best Idea ever....Repost this bulletin in 90 seconds or a military prick will hide a murdeous clown doll in you little brothers bedroom at 2:01 am tomorrow!

Wasn't justice still served?

The guy had 15 hours to go. It doesn't say what method they were going to use. So, my thoughts are, if he was going to kill himself, couldn't he just left a note, to tell the family of the victim whether or not he was truly guilty or innocent. What did he have to lose after that? He would be dead. I wonder if he was trying to save his family from knowing he was a murderer. In my opinion he could have at least given the family closure.

Texas inmate kills self day of execution

By MICHAEL GRACZYK, Associated Press Writer2 hours, 26 minutes ago

A death-row inmate slit his own throat with a makeshift knife early Thursday, committing suicide about 15 hours before he was scheduled to be executed, a prison official said.

Michael Dewayne Johnson, 29, was on death row for the 1995 killing of a convenience store clerk near Waco.

Early Thursday, he slashed his own throat and arm with a makeshift blade fashioned from a small piece of metal attached to a wooden stick, said Michelle Lyons, spokeswoman for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in Huntsville.

Prison guards had been checking on Johnson's welfare every 15 minutes, as is customary, when they found him unresponsive in a pool of blood in his cell, Lyons said. He was taken to a hospital in nearby Livingston, where he was pronounced dead, Lyons said.

"At a 2:30 a.m. check, Mr. Johnson was talking to prison staff, and had just eaten breakfast," Lyons said. "He had made no indications that he was contemplating suicide, nor has a note or other explanation been found."

Johnson's execution had been scheduled for 6 p.m. Thursday. His last-minute appeal was still pending before the U.S. Supreme Court.

His was at least the seventh suicide on death row in Texas.

In a recent prison interview, Johnson had denied gunning down 27-year-old Jeff Wetterman, who helped pump gas at the family store off Interstate 35 near Waco. Johnson blamed his companion, David Vest, for the killing.

"I never even saw the dude," Johnson said. "(Vest) jumped back into the car and we took off. He hollered: 'Go! Go! Go!'"

Vest blamed the shooting on Johnson, took an eight-year prison term in a plea deal and testified against his friend. Vest is now free.

Johnson's attorney Greg White argued in his client's Supreme Court appeal that Vest had admitted to the shooting but that the confession was improperly suppressed, depriving Johnson of a fair trial.

Johnson would have been the 22nd Texas inmate executed this year. The state now has 390 people on death row.

stalkers & men

LMAO, i got an email from Rhonda saying I was a man snatching whore and I got off one only being with ones that could never make a committment to me. If she only knew, but of course, like my other stalker, she will read this.
speaking of my other stalker, she was on my page this morning. Again, lmao. So much drama in my life and I ain't even doing anything. well, ok, i fess up, I did do something: I fell for a guy who loved someone else. So fucking drag me out into the street & shoot ME. She's such as dumb bitch who uses her "mental illness" as an excuse to him.
Whatever, fuck her & the horse she rode in on. Oh yeah, fuck you too Rhonda, and you don't even get a fucking horse, you whore.

So, Gary calls me today, I'm impressed. I did get a few tidbits of his/her conversation through IM. The only one that stuck me as odd, and he said he didn't read it, and will read it later to see what I'm talking about, is she make the remark that he supposedly said I was just like her. So this makes me wonder if he did. I'm thinking he probably did. I mean, she had no way to know that I would have ever read it, so why would she say it if he didn't. HMM...I take offense to that. I don't think that I am like her, in no way shape or form. I know the first few days we were talking I had a lot of problems. I wasn't taking my medicine because I didn't have it and all that. I just wonder how exactly he thinks we are alike. And if we are so much alike, why couldn't he ever be in a relationship with me. So this makes me wonder if that is the reason he didn't/doesn't ever want a relationship with me.
Ok, let me back up a few here. I know you are wondering why I'm worried about it and also, why I want to know so bad. Honestly, I do love Gary. The part I was talking about the other day when I said I didn't believe him about some parts, well the parts I didn't believe him about was that I loved him because he was a sober Kevin. At the time, it did make sense. And in a way, it still does. But I am so interested in him for a lot of different reasons than I was with Kevin. We make great friends, and I do want to keep that, but there is still a huge part of me that wants to be WITH him, as in g/f or whatever. But at the same time, I know that he loves Vickie. I can honestly say that now, I would never leave anyone for Kevin. Kevin is something in the past now. I'm ready to move on, really move on. He has made it plain & clear there will never be anything between us. Hence Steve.
Speaking of Steve, he did something really weird tonight, I told him tonight I needed to take down the Tolley sign, and he said yeah replace it with K....I completely freaked out. Needless to say, it didn't take long for me to scoot my butt back downstairs. We just sat and talked the rest of the night. He confuses me so bad.
Well, it is past my bedtime. More later....

Back up to the public

To my friends, readers & the general public, I'm sorry you have to see the snarky, sarcastic side of me. For the most part, I'm not like this. But when a person has annoyed me and other dear friends of mine, I tend to get this way. Hell, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em or annoy them....make them wonder. If nothing else, know that I am one loyal friend.

Since I seem to generate so much interest, my blog is back open to the public. If you missed a post because it was friends only, well, now you can go back & read it. You might find something interesting. Oh yeah, could you possibly return the favor, I would love to read all about you

Other hints & tips, you can subscribe to my blog, by simply clicking subscribe. This will let you know in your inbox when I've posted something. It's kinda handy, that way you don't have to keep coming back to my page unless you want something from me or as I've said before, to leave me a pretty picture. I don't mind, really, go ahead. There may be some people you even know that read my ramblings daily. Discuss it with them if you would like. Oh that's right, you already have.

This post is just for you, once again, if you take the time to read it. Or will it take you another 3 weeks to visit again? And read stuff that is ancient history in other people's life? Enjoy your visit....I changed my mind just to annoy the hell out of you. Just because I CAN. Kinda makes you wonder if I'm talking to you or if you are going crazy, doesn't it? Damn, I hate that for ya. Also makes you wonder how I know, doesn't it? I hate it when you can't find the answers you so desperately need and want.

A few more things I'd like to address, I do have something men want: love. Something apparently you can't share or won't. I'm not trying to put you down, I'm simply trying to point things out to you from an outsider's point of view. So, I have a question for you. Are you ready to step aside yet? You know there might be someone willing to step into your place. But then again, maybe there isn't. I guess you won't know, will you? I know I'll never tell...as I said before, I am loyal.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

and he said she was bi polar

damn...went from picking on Gary about secrets to having my head bit off and shit back down my throat about how he had told me a 1000 times that it's different. it's not a secret. yeah, well, if it's not a secret, wonder if I can tell her? hmm, should have thought of that when I was talking to him. Man, he got an attitude. Fuck that shit.

Oh another note, Steve and I talked tonight, and well, I don't know if we will go anywhere. I honestly don't. I have decided to just keep talking to him and just see what happens. I'm not going into this with any expectations. Last time that happened, well, I ended up hurt. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Once again, my life has been flipped upside down. Not in a bad way, I suppose.
I needed to hear what Gary told me last night. I didn't agree with it all, and I don't know that I believed everything that he told me, but what he told me makes sense. So, I will leave it at that.
I wrote a very long letter to Kevin, telling him that it was over. Completely over. No friendship, no POA, nothing. That is the only way I will be able to deal with this. It will be so much easier to hate him than to try to hang onto the thought of his possible sobriety. Because I know, he will never, ever be clean. Not only that, but he is not the person I met, the one I fell in love with or the one I love now. I wanted so desperately for him to choose me. But he didn't. He chose the lifestyle of drugs, lies and deception. And not only is he paying for it, I am too. But, I won't anymore and I won't subject my son to it.

I feel ok with all this. For the first time in months, I am at peace with myself. Really, honestly at peace. And that is a great feeling. Yes, I'm exhausted, mentally, I am wrung out. I feel like I have no more to give anyone. But I know that one day I will.

Eventually, you have to let go

I thought I had more time. I thought I would be able to make an informed decision. The right decision this time. Not only for me, but for my son. However, I received a letter yesterday telling me the time had come to make the decision I have dreaded since January. But what do you tell an addict who refuses to get clean and stay that way? Do you allow them to keep a stranglehold on you? I think not. I know not.
So, after 23 years of friendship, heartache, and love, I'm letting go.
I woke up this morning feeling ok with that decision. Some things you have to let other people worry about. And this is one of those times in my life where I am not going to worry about whether or not Kevin stays clean. I pray to God he does. But, I know in my heart he will not.

23 years is a long time. I know I will never, ever have a friendship with anyone else like I did with that boy I met on the school bus. But I'm ok with that. I can't live in the past. All I can do is go forward. And starting today, I'm jumping off that cliff. But this time, I know where the jagged edges are, and I know how to avoid them.

So to all my close friends who know what decisions I have had to make here recently, I want to say thanks for listening to my ramblings, crying and ho-humming.

An apology and an acknowledgement

This is going to a dear friend of mine. Thank you for being man enough to point out my mistakes with such grace and courage (lol).

I was given a priceless gift. The gift of your friendship. Yes, we have had rocky times, but we have endured it together and talked it out. I wish I had words to express my gratitude for the talk we had tonight. You opened my eyes to things that I did not want to see or acknowledge. Yet, like a good friend does, you persisted.

You have the patience of a saint and the heart of gold. You deserve the very best in life and I pray that one day you get it.

I don't know how to say I'm sorry to you. Those words don't seem like enough.

Remember, forever is a very long time, so be prepared to draw a lot of pictures. Once again, thank you.

You know I don't say this unless I mean it, and I mean this in the most platonic way, I love you.

Monday, October 16, 2006


Well, I'm home. I swear that kid of mine will be be the one who drives me insane. Just like that damn cats will kill me on the stairs. Sat. night, Andrew gets mad at me & goes home. So, rather than sit at home, I took off to Steve's. His friends from NC had come up & left. We stayed up all night, talking. Both of us were exhausted. He kept saying he needed to go to sleep, I knew I did too, but something else would come up and we would keep on talking. I have to say, he is very intelligent and can carry on a good conversation. He most definitely has some strange opinions. Very much like the opinions of Richie. I just rolled my eyes and told him whatever floated his boat. He laughs when I tell him that. I guess being in the military for 10 years does tend to make one's outlook on life different from a civilians. We did have a good time though, just bullshitting and laughing. Yesterday, we went & got something to eat and just sat around, doing nothing, which was fine by me, 'cause I was so tired. We watched some movie, that honestly was just about one of the most boring things I have seen in years. Since things are kinda messed up down there, we ended up just doing the oral thing, which was fine by me. Surprisingly, he got me off from that. I'm starting to feel 1/2 normal now that I can do that. He got a, umm, surprise at the end. I thought he was gonna throw me down right then & there, he kept telling me that turned him on so much and how he had only seen it in movies and heard about it. That got me giggling so hard, I couldn't stop. I think I may have offended him. So, it was my turn and he kept telling me that I didn't have to and all that bullshit, then he tried the 'it's not gonna work', well, it worked. I was kinda proud of myself. Heehee. We was supposed to go to sleep, but again, we stayed up all night talking. He told me, I have to work tomorrow but I love talking to you. Finally somewhere around 3, I told him to shut up and let me sleep. It was very strange waking up beside someone again. As he was getting ready for work, he told me to stay with him so we could spend every last minute together. That kinda made me feel funny. I wanted to ask what he meant, but it was just too damn early in the morning to get into that kind of discussion. And on top of that, I'm kinda afraid of the answer. I'm not sure how I would react if he told me something I didn't want to hear.

I finally got home and decided to go ahead and get on the computer, I figured Gary wouldn't be on, but there was an email asking where I was. Again, that made me feel good. So, we talked this morning. He said that his weekend was ok. And here I thought they were so in love. If she is so in love with him, why would she act like she wanted to be somewhere else. Makes no sense to me. Oh well, that's not my problem, he's the one that has to put up with her and sit and wonder if she really wants to work it out. That would drive me freakin' nuts wondering like that. At least he knows where he stands with me, even if he doesn't reciprocate.

Well, that is about it for now. More later, I suppose.....

Sunday, October 15, 2006

it's the little things

I learned a long time ago, that it's the little things in life that make me happy. I'm not big on material things or sappy crap. The things I love in life are pretty simple.
Two things that made me happy today, and made me realize I don't need a lot in life are my son and my friend.
Andrew showed up. He came in, run over like he hadn't seen me in forever and gave me a huge hug and a kiss and told me he loved me. He hasn't done that in a long time. It made me realize how lucky I am to have my son. He really is my miracle child.
Second thing was a phone call. Just to hear Gary's voice, and know that he took the time to call me when she was there, made me feel really good. It made me understand that we are friends. Yes, granted he had to "sneak" and do it, but it doesn't matter to me, he called, and to hear his voice just made my day.

Here lately, I have been taking a step back and looking at my life and where I want it to go, I have to remember to look at the blessings in my life, not only the things I want to change. And today, I was reminded of 2 of those blessings.

So, after everything that has happened here lately, I would have taken that hug, kiss and phone call over any of the roses and other stuff that have been bought to "woo" me.

Every time I hear this song, I immediately think of Gary.....whatcha think, Misty?

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with

Saturday, October 14, 2006

It takes a hell of a man

I have always been an avid supporter of our military. I may not approve of our government's tactics, but the way I see it, these guys are just under orders. So, to go over there and sacrifice you life is something that I personally cannot comprehend. I know that bonds are formed for life in the military, some stronger than the bonds of family. I can't imagine having a bond so strong that you would literally die for someone else, someone that is not "blood" related. There are a select few I would die for and they are family, blood related. I guess I'm too selfish.

Thank God for men like this one.

Navy SEAL Dives on Grenade to Save Others

CORONADO, Calif. (Oct. 14) - A Navy SEAL sacrificed his life to save his comrades by throwing himself on top of a grenade Iraqi insurgents tossed into their sniper hideout, fellow members of the elite force said.

Petty Officer 2nd Class Michael A. Monsoor had been near the only door to the rooftop structure Sept. 29 when the grenade hit him in the chest and bounced to the floor, said four SEALs who spoke to The Associated Press this week on condition of anonymity because their work requires their identities to remain secret.

"He never took his eye off the grenade, his only movement was down toward it," said a 28-year-old lieutenant who sustained shrapnel wounds to both legs that day. "He undoubtedly saved mine and the other SEALs' lives, and we owe him."

Monsoor, a 25-year-old gunner, was killed in the explosion in Ramadi, west of Baghdad. He was only the second SEAL to die in Iraq since the war began.

Two SEALs next to Monsoor were injured; another who was 10 to 15 feet from the blast was unhurt. The four had been working with Iraqi soldiers providing sniper security while U.S. and Iraqi forces conducted missions in the area.

In an interview at the SEALs' West Coast headquarters in Coronado, four members of the special force remembered "Mikey" as a loyal friend and a quiet, dedicated professional.

"He was just a fun-loving guy," said a 26-year-old petty officer 2nd class who went through the grueling 29-week SEAL training with Monsoor. "Always got something funny to say, always got a little mischievous look on his face."

Other SEALS described the Garden Grove, Calif., native as a modest and humble man who drew strength from his family and his faith. His father and brother are former Marines, said a 31-year-old petty officer 2nd class.

Prior to his death, Monsoor had already demonstrated courage under fire. He has been posthumously awarded the Silver Star for his actions May 9 in Ramadi, when he and another SEAL pulled a team member shot in the leg to safety while bullets pinged off the ground around them.

Monsoor's funeral was held Thursday at Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery in San Diego. He has also been submitted for an award for his actions the day he died.

The first Navy SEAL to die in Iraq was Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee, 28, who was killed Aug. 2 in a firefight while on patrol against insurgents in Ramadi. Navy spokesman Lt. Taylor Clark said the low number of deaths among SEALs in Iraq is a testament to their training.

Sixteen SEALs have been killed in Afghanistan. Eleven of them died in June 2005 when a helicopter was shot down near the Pakistan border while ferrying reinforcements for troops pursuing al-Qaida militants.

There are about 2,300 of the elite fighters, based in Coronado and Little Creek, Va.

The Navy is trying to boost that number by 500 -- a challenge considering more than 75 percent of candidates drop out of training, notorious for "Hell Week," a five-day stint of continual drills by the ocean broken by only four hours sleep total. Monsoor made it through training on his second attempt.

letting something go

This is not my writing. I must give credit to a friend of mine who blogs also. She wrote this the other day. I must agree with most of it. However, she is able to let the person go, I am not. In time, perhaps. But until then, I am coping the best way I know how.
Anyway, I thought this was interesting enough and with her permission, I am putting it here for my readers.

Sometimes when you really love something, you need to let it go. At least, that's the old saying. If something was truly meant to be a part of your life, it will work its way back to you one day.

How exactly can we learn to apply this logic to modern times? What with instant messaging, text messages, cell phones and Myspazz accounts, even when you let someone go, they're always going to be there, right around the corner, only a click away. Giving someone up means so much more when you've actually got to "delete" them from your world.

A reader of mine recently sent me an e-mail asking if I could write my opinions on how the things that we love the most can also hurt us the worst. He was thinking in terms of his affection for riding his motorcycle. After seeing multiple friends suffer injuries and seeing one especially close friend die, he had to reevaluate if he should still continue to do the one thing that had brought him so much joy over the years. Knowing that it could one day hurt him severely, he was debating on just walking away preemptively.

I didn't have many thoughts on the subject at the time that he wrote to me. See, I've never been very good at walking away from THINGS that are bad for me. Hell, I already admitted to how much I like to smoke and I'm well aware of the consequences for that habit. I also eat shitty foods and don't exercise as much as I should. I am not the beacon of clear headed-ness on the topic of giving up something bad for you.

Yet over this weekend, it became apparent that I was going to have to give up SOMEONE important to me. This just so happens to be a topic that I am acutely familiar with.

In life, people grow and change. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's for the worse. Walking away from a friend in need has never been one of my strong suits. I've remained friends with people who had severe drug and alcohol problems, long after they'd burned even their family members with their destructive behaviors. I've stayed with lovers who cheated on me, who belittled me and who outright abused me based solely on the lingering memories of when times were better.

Yes, Jeff. I AM a glutton for punishment.

I've managed to make strong friendships and oddly kinetic (is that the right word?) relationships with people online. The drawback to such is that, without the closeness of being within arm's reach of a person, you can never solidify those feelings. You have to go on instinct.

For some people, instinct isn't enough. Never being able to follow through on thoughts and fantasies leaves a sour taste in their mouths. These are the people who are not dreamers. I am painfully, hopelessly a dreamer. I often worry if I prefer the fantasy to the reality. Strike that. I KNOW I do.

My feelings are not usually shared. While bonds can evolve, unless both parties are happy with the evolution, the relationship is tainted by the yearning of one of the people involved. They find other people in their tangible lives to fill the void. No amount of good conversation over an electronic box will ever compare to flesh and blood interaction.

I'm rambling. My point is that while you can become extremely close to someone in a very short amount of time while using our modern day techniques of communication, it is old school that will win the race every time. And whenever we get really close to someone, even if it is only through the matrix of ones and zeros, it hurts to lose them. It is never easy to walk away, regardless of the method for doing so.

I'm grateful for the absence of flesh and blood at those times, even if the flesh would have saved the relationship. Being that I've always been bad at walking away from something that's broken when it's been in my physical life.

Why do I stay so long in something that's painful for me? Because of that dreamer in me. The one that reminds me of the good times. The one that stretches those 5 good minutes in the day to cover the other 1435 that suck. OK, perhaps I'm being unfair. At least 300 of those minutes, I've been sleeping.

It boils down to me being a person who isn't afraid to work at something. I will work at a relationship until I've beaten it into the ground. When my shit is over, trust me, it's OVER. I try every avenue, although I've been told I walk some paths which are not conducive to the health of the battle. Point is, I try. I try until I'm blue in the face. I try until I break myself.

Only when I stop caring is when I stop trying.

So here I am, at a very strange place in my life. I made the decision to walk away from something without killing it first. I walked away while I still cared. Hoooo Daddy, does it ever hurt.

See, I discovered something. I discovered that there's one thing that I've never really tried. At least, not of my own design. I've never tried letting something go in hopes that it will return. I usually have a stranglehold on it, willing it into submission. In the past, I've tried to make things work by sheer force of my own will. I figured if I really wanted something bad enough, I could make it happen. Hell, I've done it with so many other things in my life. Perseverance is most definitely one of my strongest traits.

The thing is, you can't push people. You can't hold onto them so tightly that they can't breathe. They have to come to you when they're ready to. And in that time, you'll also figure out just how much you want them. When we strangle things, we don't always have enough space to see that.

Sometimes when you love someone or something, you really DO have to set it free. Even if it hurts. Even if it means facing the "nothing" side of "all or nothing." Enduring the loneliness and heartbreak of that side of the equation.

It's the only way to completely savor the beauty of when you finally do get to have your "all."

I'm willing to deal with the "nothing," to handle the hurt, to shoulder the pain in order to get that. I'm willing to wait for my "all."

Rainy day

It's too damn early to be up and my little hampster wheel is just flying as fast as it can. Poor Gary, I'm sure he's tired of hearing from me at this early hour. Hell, everyone one else has already stopped by to say good morning to me. Even the damn ones that I don't want to.

It's supposed to rain all day today. Bluck. I'm gonna park my hind end somewhere in the bed and stay curled up with either a book or have the computer somewhere close. Not sure which yet. I haven't done that in a long time and that's what I feel like doing today. I need an endless supply of tea and cigarettes and I'll be just fine.

Well, I guess I'm done for the morning, time to get Andrew ready for school, well, make him get dressed anyway. Hell, he's even up and on the downstairs computer. That's pretty bad.
More later....

it's broke

well, tonight was umm, eventful to say the least. Steve got here a few minutes after 5 and he just left a few minutes ago. We ate pizza and watched GhostHunters. Terry was here for a lot of it. Once he left, we just sat on the couch and talked and held hands. It was a cozy little moment. My heart was racing 100 miles an hour. I won't go into specifics, but we ended up here in the bedroom. It was umm, how do I put this delicately, painful at first. Everything did not want to fit where they belonged if you know what I mean. I knew that he was on the large size, I didn't know it would end up hurting me. When everything was over and done with, he layed down beside me and I scooted over and there was blood on the bed. I completely freaked out and went to the bathroom, it was on my legs and across my stomach. Now, keep in mind, I have had a total hysterectomy, meaning I have no cervix, uterus, ovaries or tubes. So, therefore I can't have a period, so it wasn't that. I came back in here and he had all the lights on and told me to let him look and see what was going on. Well, apparently he tore me somewhere in the process. So, I am bleeding like a stuck pig. We got cleaned up and he kept telling me how sorry he was and I felt kinda bad about it. But on the upside to all of this pain, it felt incredible. I felt really comfortable with him and other than the discomfort of his size, it was very good. I felt satisfied when we was done, hell, we were still messing around after we found the blood. We laid here until a little while ago and talked and laughed.
So, I guess if by tomorrow the blood hasn't stopped, I need to go to the dr. I know I am going to be so sore tomorrow, I can feel it now. He has plans for the next two weekends, so he asked if we could get together again during the week. I told him that was fine.
We was laughing about the dating thing. I asked him if his mind had changed about dating, and he said no, not really, that he still felt the same way, the it's just bullshit to have to go out and try to impress someone and all that crap. I told him I felt the same way, I was just as happy to stay at home and enjoy the company than run around and do stupid stuff. We both laughed about that and both agreed that we were glad to finally not be under any pressure to be a couple or be something we weren't gonna be.

I asked Gary about lying to me, he apologized. I told him please don't do it again. I know he wanted to spare my feelings, but he hurt them even more by lying to me. He said he wouldn't do it again. I hope not. I hate that he is lying to her about me. It's not fair to either one of us. I feel like he is hiding me. But I can see his point. I have done it before with Kevin & Tim. So, I too, have been guilty of lying at some point. I never said I was a saint.

Well, the skinny ass, well muscled man wore my ass out, I'm going to bed. I hope the bleeding stops, that would be embarrassing to have to explain to a doctor. More tomorrow once my brain isn't so rattled.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday the 13th

Today is traditionally a bad day for people. Not me. Never had a problem with it. No weird superstitions to report from here. Not sure what the day will bring, maybe nothing, but I am not worried if it brings good news or is just another ordinary day. If you think about it, it is just another day. But I suppose too many people have too many coincidences happen and it's easy to blame the day. In the Spanish culture, Tuesday the 13th is a bad day... Makes me wonder if we take all the different culture's little eccentricities and combine them, will we have bad week all together?
I dunno.....just one of those weird things that will make me ponder..

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Silver Springs-Fleetwood Mac

I love Fleetwood Mac. Tim got me started on them. Of course, having had a child named Stevie, you can imagine that he worships them. So a little while ago, I heard this and realized this song says a lot to me about one person in particular. Gary, mainly. Not sure why, maybe the part about I know I could have loved you but you would not let me. That sums it up perfectly. What I've been trying to get across for so long.

You could be my silver springs
Blue green colors flashin
I would be your only dream
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I dont wanna know

Ill begin not to love you
Turn around, see me runnin
Ill say I loved you years ago
Tell myself you never loved me, no
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I dont wanna know
Oh, no
And can you tell me was it worth it
Really, I dont wanna know

Time casts a spell on you, but you wont forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me

Time casts a spell on you, but you wont forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me
Ill follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you
Was I such a fool?
Youll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

You could be my silver springs
My blue green colors flashin

People who lie

As most of you know, I hold one thing close to my heart. That is honesty. I do not tolerate it from my family or my friends. I will cut someone off in a heart beat because of ONE lie. If you can't be honest with me, you don't need to be my friend.
So this being said, I just found out one of my "friends" (I'm using this term loosely), lied to me. I suppose you could call it a lie by omission. For those who don't know what that is, it means, Lying by omission means allowing another to believe something that one believes is false, by failing to reveal one's belief, rather than by being untruthful. Hence it is normally classified not as a lie but as an act of deception.
Now comes the hard part, do I confront, and see if they have the balls to admit that they lied to me or if they come up with a nice story of "I didn't know".

Some have asked me over the years why I do not tolerate someone who lies, even if it is for the well being of others. The main reason I abhor it is because my childhood was full of lies. Well, let me rephrase that. We had to "pretend" all was well. We overlooked the fact that I never knew my father until we moved to Virginia, we never spoke of Daddy drinking that one extra beer that put him into a fit of rage and beat the shit out of us. And we damn sure plastered a smile on our face come Sunday when we went to church. We looked to be the All-American family, yet it was nothing but a bunch of bullshit lies. This is the major reason I hate lies and deception.

I myself try my damndest not to lie. Even if I know it will hurt a person, I will not lie to someone. My friends hate me at times for this, especially when it comes to covering up for them. I have lost relationships due to my blunt honesty. But when it comes right down to it, I can sleep at night with a clear conscience. But then again, I have been told many times that I don't have one of those.

To wrap this up, I am at a loss as of what to do. The last few days have not been kind to my friend and I. We've trudged through and came out on the other side, still friends. But I don't know that we will get through this one.
I guess if my Daddy didn't teach me anything else, he did teach me to stand up for what I believe in. And I believe that friends do not lie to each other, under any circumstances.

Friendships survive bad days

I came right out and asked Gary if he wanted me to leave him alone, he said no. I tried not to bother him tonight, let him have his space. He was in a much better mood this evening. I even got him to watch Ghost Hunters. He's a skeptic. That's understandable. I was too for a long time. Jay emailed me a little while ago and asked if I thought it was a good show. Dumbass, he had already sent me pics and clips. LMAO, I reckon if I went from small time boy to having my own show, I would be forgetful too. He's such a goofball.

I talked to Steve for a while tonight. He got the GPS set up and we are ready to go geocaching. He isn't big on hiking the trails like I am, but that's ok, I guess we will figure something out. I am so out of shape. Hopefully, taking me off that high dose of thyroid medicine will straighten the weight & energy problem out. I can't believe that I have gained 21 pounds this year. I want my body back. I want the damn body that everyone knows me as having. The tall slender one. I hate that there is nothing they can do about it other than change of meds. that sucks. Anyway, back to Steve, he's supposed to come over tomorrow after work. Everyday he has thought that he was going to have to work late. Watch tomorrow be the day they spring it on him. I hope not. I would like to see him again. He has kinda grown on me. He's a cool guy to talk to. We ended up talking a lot tonight about guns and shooting ranges. He thinks it's cool that I know how to shoot guns. Obviously, he didn't grow up around here. That is like second nature to us. He told me that Andrew told him about his guns, which surprised me. I didn't even know they talked that much. I must have missed that part.

Well, once again, Tim and I are back to the if you see me, I'll talk to you kinda thing, otherwise, leave it alone. I think this afternoon when I couldn't orgasm really got to him. He realized things had changed. A lot had changed. It was hard to say goodbye and know that once he walked out that door, I wouldn't have another chance with him. I knew this when I said goodbye. But that is what it is going to take for me to get out of this chaos I call my life. If I could just get the Dale situation straightened out, I'd be happy.

Tammy sent me an email, and said once she cools off, she wants to talk about our friendship. I didn't answer her. Again, another drama in my life I don't need right now.

Well, I'm sleepy, so I think I'll go to bed early tonight. At least tonight, I might make it all the way through without being interrupted.

Some People Wouldn't Know the Truth If...

It smacked them upside the head. I am sitting here, simmering and it takes a lot to make me simply sit and be mad. I usually get over things pretty quick. Throw something, get it out of my system and go about my business. But tonight is different, ohh, I'm so pissed, I could smack someone right now. And I do not in any way, shape or form condone violence.

As most of you know, I hold one thing close to my heart. That is honesty. I do not tolerate lies from my family or my friends. I will cut someone off in a heart beat because of ONE lie. If you can't be honest with me, you don't need to be my friend.
So this being said, I just found out one of my "friends" (I'm using this term loosely), lied to me. I suppose you could call it a lie by omission. For those who don't know what that is, lying by omission is allowing another to believe something that one believes is false, by failing to reveal one's belief, rather than by being untruthful. Hence it is normally classified not as a lie but as an act of deception. (gotta love wikipedia).

Now comes the hard part, do I confront, and see if they have the balls to admit that they lied to me or if they come up with a nice story of "I didn't know".

Some have asked me over the years why I do not tolerate someone who lies, even if it is for the well being of others. The main reason I abhor it is because my childhood was full of lies. Well, let me rephrase that. We had to "pretend" all was well. We overlooked the fact that I never knew my father until we moved to Virginia, we never spoke of Daddy drinking that one extra beer that put him into a fit of rage and beat the shit out of us. And we damn sure plastered a smile on our face come Sunday when we went to church. We looked to be the All-American family, yet it was nothing but a bunch of bullshit lies. This is the major reason I hate lies and deception.

I myself try my damndest not to lie. Even if I know it will hurt a person, I will not lie to someone. My friends hate me at times for this, especially when it comes to covering up for them. I have lost relationships due to my blunt honesty. But when it comes right down to it, I can sleep at night with a clear conscience. But then again, I have been told many times that I don't have one of those.

To wrap this up, I am at a loss as of what to do. The last few days have not been kind to my friend and I. We've trudged through and came out on the other side, still friends. But I don't know that we will get through this one.
I guess if my Daddy didn't teach me anything else, he did teach me to stand up for what I believe in. And I believe that friends do not lie to each other, under any circumstances.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Seeing another side of a person

For some reason, I just got that ache in my chest, that one you get when your feelings are hurt. I mean really hurt. Maybe because they were hurt. Very bad. I'm sitting here crying for whatever stupid reason.

I have tried my best to be a friend to Gary. I understand that he was up most of the night and is tired. Hell, I'm tired too. But he pushed me too far today. For the first time, I am actually mad at him. Before I go too far, let me clarify why I'm mad. I said something about getting tested. And he seemed to just plum the fuck off. Like I was accusing him of something. It's not him I'm worried about, it's her. He doesn't know who she has slept with since they started having problems and since she left. And he is so pussy whipped he'd fucking believe her if she said no one. Shit on all that.

So why are my feelings hurt? I guess because he just up & signed off, no goodbye, kiss my ass or anything. Friends don't do that to one another. Even when they are mad. At least none of the friends I have ever had does that.
So I wrote him a letter, and now that I've sent it, I realize it was out of anger and maybe shouldn't have been wrote so quickly. But I can't take it back. I told him maybe we need to reevaluate this friendship. I'm starting to wonder if there is one at all. He seems so distant lately. Which confuses me.

So, on to the next part of this little rant, why am I so adamant about protection? I was raped at 15 years old. I don't mean just raped, and left. I mean a brutal attack, and not only that, but I was left with a disease called chlamydia. Which is a sexually transmitted disease. Yes, it was treatable and curable. And a pregnancy, which my parents so lovingly took care of for me. (yes I am bitter about that part). Being 15 years old, I was with Kevin, we knew we were going to do it, just not sure when. Truth be told, we were waiting until his mom went to third shift, so I could sneak & spend the night. That night never came. The night of horror came first. I ended up having sex with man who took it violently and did not even consider the consequences. And I am scarred for life because of it. And one of the things that I am left with is the phobia of getting an STD.

I don't know if I have ever told Gary about this, I know that Tim knows. I just wish he would understand and not go off on me like that. I truly wish I hadn't mentioned it at all now. I think I fucked up a friendship. We shall see, I suppose. God, why am I hurting so bad??

So many decisions

Well, I am second guessing myself once again about Tim. We had a long talk tonight, and he said he can't promise me anything as far as not wanting a relationship. I can't handle a relationship with him again. I know where that will lead. Lots of drinking, lots of pot and and assload of sex. And the only thing I'm interested in is the sex. Yes, we had a blast when we were together and he did treat me like a queen up until that day Rhonday showed up. But those things aren't what I'm looking for. Hell, I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I want someone who for once, will put me first in their life. I have never been first in anyone's life. I want someone to love me for me. All my little quirks, and I know I have a few, I will be the first to admit, I'm not perfect, far from it. I'm also scared that what will happen if Rhonda shows back up, will he run back to her? I couldn't deal with that again. So, he wants all or nothing. I have to tell him tomorrow night. What a thing to have to decide.

I talked to Steve again tonight, we talked about Andrew. I asked him if he scared him completely off, and he said, not completely. He said it is a concern for him, but he is not going to rush to judgement, whatever that means. He has friends coming in this weekend, and is going to Maryland next weekend. But wants to come over on Thursday after work, I told him that was fine. Then he also asked about going somewhere one weekend. I told him we'd talk about it. I had to repeat the I'm not in a hurry thing, and he said the same, so that was a huge relief. So, this is a nice slow process, and I'm fine with it. Whatever happens, happens. I honestly don't believe this will go anywhere, other than friends.

Tammy sent me a message tonight wanting to know why I hadn't contacted her all weekend. I sent one back saying I thought she said the relationship was over, so therefore, what was the point in trying to get in touch with her? It seemed like it pissed her off, oh well. At this point, I'm beyond caring.
I finally got my internet fixed, I think anyway. Johnny had it for a long time trying to figure it out. Finally, Gary told me to upgrade, so I did. And then, it wouldn't work, so I looked the error code up and it said it was because of style xp. I downloaded firefox and was using it, but then changed my mind and just deleted style xp and now things are working fine. I think anyway. I was ready to throw this damn thing out. I hate when computers fuck with me.
Well, I am sleepy, so I'm heading to bed early for once.

i spoke too soon

Well, so much for my peace & quiet. At 1, kristen called, they were on their way with Tim in tow. They all landed in my bedroom floor, living room floor, anywhere they could find a spot. Apparently, psycho girl was up at the house and wouldn't leave. So they came to hang out with me. Tim is in shower now getting ready for work. Matt & K left earlier. Hell, I've been up and down all night long. I've either been on the computer or talking to them. It's been a long time since I've pulled an allnighter with them. It was fun, I have to admit. At least they kept their voices down so Andrew wouldn't wake up. And no drugs, either. I was happy about that. I guess they knew that I would throw all their asses out.

I have to go to the dr today. I'm dreading it. I have to get a pelvic done, ick. And get my thyroid checked. Then I have requested to go ahead and get all the nice little disease tests done. Hell, I had them done in April, so it's about time anyway. I'm not really worried about it. But then again, there is that nagging doubt in the back of my mind. Not so much about him, but her.

Well, he's out the shower & watching me, lol. So I shall go for now. more later.

random thoughts

It is very peaceful here tonight. Shockingly, after all the household has been through, it's quite. Well, I say that and a freakin' train comes by. Andrew is asleep, he went to bed very early, well, then again, so did I. I guess my body said, ok 2 hours is enough, get the hell up. Now if I can just get back to sleep, I'll be doing good.
It seems as though some people are hell bent on getting revenge for things that I have not done. This is fine with me. Have a go at it. Take your best shot, Rhonda. At this point in my life, I am too old to worry about what you think or frankly, what anyone else thinks either. This is not a popularity contest. So, that being said, I also want to add, I will continue my rantings as normal. If they get interrupted, I am sorry, ignore it, it will go away eventually. Kinda like that stray cat your parents told you not to feed when you were younger.

It appears to me that guys think I'm helpless. Tim has been either here or somewhere in the neighborhood since all this shit broke loose. It's very disruptive of my life, I must say. I feel as though I have a keeper. I haven't had one of those for years, and I don't like it at all. Now I remember why I don't like relationships that come with baggage. The baggage always seems to show up when least expected. Speaking of that. The wicked witch must had busted Gary this evening, we were talking along & bam, he was gone. I am assuming she must have walked in the house. HAHA. I find this very amusing. He shouldn't try to hide things from her anyway. I asked him the other day if he wants his cake and eat it too, he pretended ignorance. He says she has until Friday. Yeah, well, somehow with her coming over tonight, I have a feeling that Friday will be extended. He's not gonna give her up. He can't. It's like he feeds off the way she treats him or something. And she is gonna play the nice little girl for a while to get him back and then she's gonna snap & be the same bitch she was before, and there he is gonna be. And I'm gonna sit back and laugh my ass off, because I forewarned him. When will these guys learn to listen? I'm a woman, I know these things. I have done it myself. Oh yes, I will freely admit, I have played the good girl to stay in someones good graces. Hell, I'll even admit to giving someone a blow job, then turning around and kissing another dead in the mouth. Yes, nasty, I know, but that was during my revenge days of "you fucked around on me, I'll fuck around on you" Woman have no morals when it comes to revenge. One of these days, I am going to write that damn book about what women will do for revenge. A woman scorned, I believe is what Steve said this evening.

Speaking of Steve, Andrew has decided he must be my boyfriend. I was trying to reinstall AOHell on the downstairs computer, and Andrew was sitting there playing with Matt and Tim and he says "hey Mama, where is your boyfriend tonight?" I could have crawled in a hole somewhere. Here I am trying to do all that I can to convince someone I don't want a relationship & my kid busts me. Not that Steve & I are in one, but we are talking a lot, whatever that means. Tim just got stood up & went outside. Matt told me not to take it personal, that it upsets him. I honestly believe what upsets Tim the most is the fact that I have always given in to him, and this time, I won't. He hates the fact that he can't have me. I do not believe it has a damn thing to do with love.

Well, I suppose that is all for tonight, I am supposed to be asleep. I might try and see if I can go back, if not, I'll play online for a while longer. More later.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Keith Urban Once In A Lifetime

Misty, this is the song I was talking about.

Once In a Lifetime by Keith Urban

I can see it in your eyes,
And feel it your touch.
I know that you're scared,
But you've never been this loved.

It's a long shot baby,
Yeah I know it's true.
But if anyone can make it,
I'm betting on me and you.

Just keep on moving into me.
I know you're gonna see,
The best is yet to come.

Don't fear it now we're going all the way.
That sun is shining on a brand new day.
It's a long way down and it's a leap of faith,
But I'm never giving up,
Because I know we got a once in a lifetime love.

Everybody's looking for what we found.
Some wait their whole life,
And it never comes around

So don't hold back now just let go,
On all you've ever known.
You can put you're hand in mine.

Don't fear it now we're going all the way.
That sun is shining on a brand new day.
It's a long way down and it's a leap of faith,
But I'm never giving up,
Because I know we got a once in a lifetime love.

I close my eyes and I see you standing right there.
Saying do and they throwing the rice in our hair.
Well the first one's born and a brother comes along
and he's got your smile.
I been looking back on the life we had still by your side.

Don't fear it now we're going all the way.
That sun is shining on a brand new day.
It's a long way down and it's a leap of faith,
But I'm never giving up,
Because I know we got a once in a lifetime love.

random thoughts on things

I got a phone call last night. Tim & I are just going to say hey occasionally, if we see each other, if not, that's fine to. He can't tell me that he won't want a relationship & I can't tell him I will. He actually was sad about it. I felt kinda bad for him, but then I remembered that night out on the porch when he told me Rhonda was gonna live there with us and that went away really quick.
I was thinking a few minutes ago, Dale is the only one who has never left me for another woman. Hmmm, and he is the one I hate the most. Why do we always treat the ones we love the worst? I wish I knew the answer to that one.

Stacy has started his crap again. Our weekly talks have gotten to him, I reckon. Now he's decided he wants to "help me out". **Sighs**

I think that things have finally died down between Gary & I. At least, in my mind they have. Well, there was nothing there in his, lmao. But anyway, I don't have that little whatever anymore. That warm fuzzy thing going on, I reckon is the best way to describe it. He's back to being just Gary again in my mind. Not sure when it happened. I know I love him, but I reckon I just sorta gave up. I do hope he finds happiness but then again, I wish that for all my friends. I'm sure he will be relieved to know that I'm not all whatever about him anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he even cares. Then again, I don't guess it matters if he does. He said maybe Thursday we could work on my dolphin tattoo, I hope so. I'm ready to get the damn thing fixed.
Speaking of tattoos, I seen a wicked one today, it was tribal, but I liked the way the angles went, I don't know how to describe it, I saved a picture.

I have been emailing Steve back & forth since I woke up. He is all excited about Thursday. I asked him why, he said he wasn't sure, but was just excited to know he was gonna get to see me. I found that very flattering, but unsettling.

I guess I'm gonna stop for now. I need to get up off my ass and do something, anything. Too many thoughts running through my head that I don't need to dwell on right now. More later.
I got this from my mom a little while ago, I think it fits very well into my life right now.
You have created your fears.
And you can choose to lay them to rest.
You have created your dreams.
And you can choose to bring them fully to life.
Look all around you and realize that everything you see is what you have chosen to see.
Every thought you think is what you have chosen to think.
Day after day, by your words, your actions, and your thoughts, you have chosen your own path.
And that path has brought you to precisely where you are.
Now it is time to choose again.
Remember that with each and every choice you make, you determine the details of how your life will proceed from this point.
It is a serious responsibility as well as a wonderful, enormous opportunity.
For again and again, you can choose your way toward the life you truly wish to live.

Monday, October 9, 2006

decision time

Ok, well, I knew Gary wasn't gonna go through with it. So, now I have to decide what to tell Tim. The reason I say this is because Steve was talking about it last night after I posted this. I straight up told him I would have to wait and see. So, now I have 2 choices, Tim, who I know and am comfortable with, or this new guy, who I don't know and would have to train. lol, that's awful to say, but that's kinda the way I feel. Then there is the issue with him, umm anatomy. That just freaks me out. I don't want to get ripped to pieces, I mean, I guess everything stretches down there to accomodate, but still. I have to admit, I am kinda curious.

Maybe I should just wait a while longer & see what happens between Steve & I before I make that decision. But damn it, it's been too long and this doing it yourself shit just ain't cutting it. I swear, I think God gave me the wrong hormones when it came to sex, because I sound an awful lot like a man. lol. Oh well, at least I'm not acting like one, yet. haha.

ok, misty, tell me your opinion here, go with what I know and have been happy with in the past, give the new guy a shot, or wait, it's just my hormones talking. I need help on this one.

sex, love or friendship?

Well, I guess I have a decision to make & soon. Tim has invited me to come visit with him one night this week. I told him I would seriously consider it and tell him on Tuesday. He told me to bring a night bag. I told him I wasn't sure if I was ready, and he told me he could make me forget Gary's name. Well, I'm not so sure about that, but I was going to go ahead and do it, but now there is another option that has been thrown my way, maybe. I'm not sure how serious he was. Gary offered, with the condition that I understood that it was only for sex. Well, yeah, isn't that what an affair is? There was a lot of questions that followed about threesomes and such. I hope he understood what I was trying to get across to him. How I understand sex and love and how I can separate the two. I just wonder if it would mess up our friendship. I have done this before and have maintained friendships, so I don't see how it would. But I don't know if he has and if he realizes the difference.

He said things went good this weekend. I'm glad he didn't have to spend all weekend arguing with her. That made me feel better about things, sort of. A mix of emotions are happening in my head now. Like I told him, my head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another. My head is listening to others who are telling me to move on. My heart is saying "fuck them". Hell, I don't know what to do. When we talk about it, he acts as though I'm sitting around waiting on him. Last time I checked, there was a man with me for the past two days, and I have been talking to 3 others since all this mess happened. So that kinda confuses me. But as I have said before, I am not going to put my heart out there again. It just won't happen. I do know one thing, I won't do it if there is any hesitation at all that it might ruin a friendship. I guess I should find out soon, before Tim starts calling and bugging me.

I have been with Kevin all this time and I know what type of person he is now. The man I thought would be forever. The one I thought would never, ever hurt me has been the one who ultimately ended up scarring me for life. And Gary says he ruined my life. No way in hell, but Kevin almost did. The only good thing that came out of the whole friendship was my son. It seems like all I ever walk away from with in these relationships are my son. The only one who has ever stood beside me. That's kinda sad. Maybe one day, but it just doesn't seem possible to me. Maybe I'm looking through jaded eyes.

Well, enough for tonight. I'm going to try to go to bed. I'm having hot flashes tonight for some odd reason. I guess that's yet another thing I have to talk to the dr about. always something.

Sunday, October 8, 2006

Well, I took a nap, woke up, felt better, now that I have gotten up and moved around, my back feels like someone is poking me with a stick in my spine. I haven't done a damn thing today other than housework and messing with Andrew this morning. I guess sleeping somewhere different, then having Andrew sleeping with me last night is catching up with my back.

Dale & I was fighting this morning. He wanted Andrew back and I wasn't ready to give him back yet. That sucks so bad. Tomorrow is the day. I don't wanna go. I want someone to go with me. Brandy called & spoke to Pam, who is the lab director, she is going to have Theresa come and do the tests and tell Andrew it is to make sure he's healthy. Now, as long as he doesn't repeat what he had done in front of someone who knows what the test is really for. I know Theresa from the ER and she is a really nice girl who would respect the reasons why I am asking for the privacy.

I freakin' hate racing some days....LMAO....anyway, as for the rest of the crap going on, Tammy is mad, has "cut off our friendship". I can't say that I am heartbroken over it. I can't say I have shed a tear at all. In fact, Gary & I were still laughing about some of the crap she had to say. It's been a long time coming. With very few exceptions, I do not have female "friends", acquaintances,yes, friends, no. I know how much of a bitch I can be, why would I want to be friends with someone who is like me? With the exception of being of whore, drunk & pill popper, Tammy & I did have some of the same theories on life. I can't say that I will be missing out on a lot. And I can't say that I will "take her back" if she comes crawling when no one else wants to put up with her bullshit.

feeling icky today

As Andrew puts it. I feel like shit. Physically & kinda emotionally. But more physically. My back, in a cross shape is hurting. I am laying on the heating pad, hoping to ease it up, but so far, it's not helping. My sinuses are draining and my head hurts. I slept with the fan on last night because it was so hot in here, and today I'm paying for it. To top it all off, I'm sleepy and that doesn't help matters.

So, I think I will lay down and do this at another time, I have so much to get out. And Misty I know you are waiting for an update. It will have to wait a while long. more later.

Maybe Not In His World, Words From My Son

My son has been rubbing his eyes furiously all morning. When asked if he was ok, he would just yawn and reply "you get me up too early for the weekend". Knowing he was up late, probably doing through sugar withdrawal, and just generally in a foul mood, I just walk off and finish breakfast. He follows me through the house, asking one of his endless questions. "whatcha gonna do today, Mama?" was the first, followed by so many questions, it would make a Spanish Inquisitor proud. I sigh, continue to answer until I am annoyed and shoo him out of the kitchen. As he is sitting eating breakfast, he asks "why don't you eat in the mornings?" I tell him, I am just not a morning person, too early to eat, etc. He continues on the "my Daddy says" kick so finally I tell him, "Well, baby, this is Mama's world, not Daddy's so things are different." Those huge eyes that mirror mine look back at me as he ponders on this.

Shortly thereafter, I am taking him to Grannie & Pop's and it is raining. My rag top is leaking somewhere on the driver's side next to the door, so I was battling drops of rain and trying to drive within the lines. As we pull up to the stop light, I look over and there is another Miata beside us. He has his rag top down, windows up, windshield wipers on, just a sight to see. I told Andrew "look at him, what an idiot, why would he have the top down, it's raining"...and the response I got was priceless. "Maybe not in his world Mama"...

Only my son could make a have an outlook on life like that. So, I guess the next time there is an idiot driving in the rain, I'll have to remember, just because it's raining in my world, it may not be in theirs...

well, I tried it

like everyone told me too. I went to Steve's house last night. Surprisingly, I didn't start out that way, but somehow ended up there. He is a very nice guy and was extremely fun to talk to. It was just like talking to an old friend, only learning their interests. He took me & Andrew out to dinner tonight (against my protests of doing it another night). It was ok, Andrew and him didn't seem to hit it off very well. I mean, they didn't ignore each other, but they didn't talk either. Steve has already told me that he doesn't want children. I can't imagine not having my son or ever not wanting a child. I told him tonight that Andrew is part of this package. His sister called while he was at the house and I heard him say he was at my house, so apparently, he has spoken to others about me. Not sure how I feel about that.
A few times while we were talking tonight, my mind kept wandering to Gary, wondering if he and the wicked witch were getting along. I'm sure she's there. So much for not letting her stay the weekend. Oh well, I do hope he's happy, even if it's with her. He's such a great guy and he doesn't give himself credit for it. He's become my best friend somehow. Not that I am objecting to this, but somehow, he is the one that I think of first when something bad happens or something good happens. I want to tell him. I want to see what he thinks about things, get his outlook on it. I just hate to see him get hurt. Again. But anyway, back to Steve, he's nice and all, but I don't know if I'm ready.
So, I can say I gave it a shot, twice in fact and have made a friend. But that's is about it, he's a friend. We shall see soon enough, I suppose.
Time heals all wounds. Well, when does it start? I'm patiently waiting on all these feelings to go away and they aren't. Well, I suppose I should try to sleep. The asshole will be here in the morning to get Andrew.

Friday, October 6, 2006

looks aren't everything

so, I was lusting after this guy and i ended up talking to him a little while ago. He looks yummy. So we get to talking through the shoutbox and he invites me to a chat room, so I go, we end up exchanging Yahoo messenges back and forth and leave the room all together. Well, he might look good and all that, but he's dumb as a fuckin' box of rocks. And, I ain't no expert on cyber or anything, but he's about boring when it came to that. Now the idiot wants to do phone sex. My thoughts on that: you might look good & all, but you ain't got what it's gonna take. So looks aren't everything. How come the whole package never comes together???

Well, I spoke too soon about Gary not listening. I finally got all the fears & bullshit that is running through my head out. I pissed Tim off because I was talking to Gary. I thought I was being nice by answering the phone, I could have avoided him and not answered at all. Not good enough for him. I don't understand men. He don't want me, but doesn't want Gary to have me. Now tell me that ain't stupid. Well, Gary doesn't have me either. And Tim doesn't understand that. Tim is so jealous. He says he can hear it in my voice that I love Gary. Said I never sounded that way with him. Nope, probably not, I was never in love with him. He said if it rained tomorrow, he'd come over. Am kinda worried about that, I'd hate to have to put him in his place for stepping over the line. I'm not ready for any of that b.s.

Well, I'm off to bed. I hope tomorrow is a better day than today was. I hope I don't sleep all day either.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

Cheap Thrills at the Playground

NO, no good smut this time around. Me and the kid went to the playground tonight, we had a good time. He wanted to take the camera, so I brought it and got some pretty good pictures of him. He's such a ham for the camera. How can one kid have 10 different personalities???

On to the cheap thrill, Andrew pushed me on the merry-go-round for a long time. Now how cool is that? Have your 8 year old push you rather than you having to follow along behind him? I have the best kid in the world. As long as the duct tape don't fall off, we have a blast together. Anyway, I laid down & looked up at the sky as he spun me around, and when I sat up, whew hoo, head rush.

So that was my day, considering it started out really shitty and last night wasn't a picnic either, tonight turned out great.

So, for the first time in over a week, I was happy. I mean like don't need a man to make me feel happy, happy. And that felt good.

more on pet peeves and such

Don't tell me nothing is wrong when obviously there is. ERERERER. I'm so fucking aggrevated right now. And don't fucking ask me to tell a secret when I've been sworn to secrecy. Remember, honesty is VERY important to me. If you can't be honest with me, you don't need to be a part of my life.
Don't get mad at me because I can't give you the answers you want to hear. 2 things I don't do: blow smoke up someone's ass and I damn sure won't kiss anyone's ass to get somewhere. I'm not a manupulative person. Somedays I wish I had that in me, because I could get a lot more in life than what I have now. I could possibly have the man I want, but I wouldn't do that to him and I won't lower myself to that level either.
Damn it, now I'm in a fucking pissy ass mood. I give up. I'm trying so damn hard to be his friend and some things just seem to explode on me.
I honestly am beginning to feel like back up. Fuck that shit. I'm done.

Guess the wind blew the wrong way today,'cause my feelings are all fucked up and i feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I needed my friend today and all he fucking cared about was someone saying he was hot, he should take that as a compliiment. I needed to tell him all about the dna tests. How scared i am. I have no one else to tell, I haven't told anyone else. Maybe it's time I do, so i don't rely on just him as my sounding board. And besides, once I get back into the swing of things, I can't exactly tell him all. Some days I wonder if it wasn't a mistake to let Tim go as a friend. At least he fucking knew me inside and out.

I'm going back to bed, fuck this shit, getting pissy over something stupid. I fucking needed him and he let me down.

Pet Peeve of mine

ok, well two of them. First being assuming something about me or something I have said. Kevin did this all the time. I am a straight up person. I will not lie to someone. When I say something stupid, such as "it doesn't surprise me", it truly mean, I am not surprised. It does not mean anything else, there is no hidden agendas or things I'm trying to hide. Poor Gary does this too, and it aggrevates the piss out of me. I guess it's one of those things that are ingrained in him. I guess when someone tells you lies all the time, you get used to questioning everything out of someone's mouth.

The second thing is if you don't want to do something, tell me. Don't fucking make up excuse. I'm a big girl. I understand. I can take someone saying no to me. Hell, it's been done all my life, why would now change. There are a lot of things I don't want to do, so I simply don't do them. But I don't sit and make excuses about it. To me, an excuse is sugar coating the word no. I don't want sugar coating, I want the truth.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep. It's the only escape I have right now, and my mind is tired. I'm stressed right now, so bad it's not even funny. I want to get the hell out of here. And if I can't travel, well, I can sleep. And I plan to.

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Just a lot of random thoughts

This is just gonna be all jumbled together, probably because i forgot my A.D.D. meds today. Steve sent some pretty wild pictures that completely sent me over the edge. WOW.

I feel so bad for Gary, this witch is just yanking his chain. Or she might surprise me and not be, but a lot of things he says just makes me feel bad for him. I wish he wanted me to call him all the time or come see him. Hell, I wish a lot of things. But I'm trying to behave and not say anything to spook him. Like right now, he's teasing me about us having sex. God, if he only knew the truth.

Andrew & I had a good time at the park tonight, we took some pictures, he wanted too, not sure why. He was good until we got home, then that mouth started running. The thought of losing him, scares me.
Dale is in for it, he thinks I'm gonna play nice. Well, I'm not. He's in for a surprise.
Not much more to say, other than Tammy, quit drinking.
This fricken sucks a huge one.
ok, i reckon i'm done, i would rather talk to gary than do this.

In for a huge battle

Well fuck. I'm ready to bolt from here and run quick. I promised myself when Kevin went back into jail that I would not run from my problems again. So, I think I've done pretty good. Well, I'm ready to break that promise and run for the hills. Any hills at this point in time.
Dale and I had a huge fight last night over Andrew. Andrew was mad and wanted to come spend the night. Neither Dale nor I wanted to let him come over, I'm trying to teach him that no matter how mad he is at his Daddy, he can't just leave. I don't want to teach him my bad habits. Well, then he gets to crying, and Dale wants to give in and I said no. So automatically, he starts running that fucking mouth of his. I'm a bad mother, I need to get my priorities straight. What had I been snorting or smoking today? Why did I even both to have children if I didn't want to spend time with him? All the things that he knows hurts me, he flung at me. I tried my damndest not to fight with him. We ended up fighting anyway. Then he says he's gonna come after me for child support again. I don't know where he thinks he gets the right to get money for Andrew, ok, yes, he may have him 1 more time a week than me. We equally share child care, medical expenses and I hand Dale money any time that Dale gets a whim to buy him something expensive. The only thing I do not pay for is health insurance, but I pay for his dental and life insurance, by the year. So it works out "even".
This is not the first time we've fought, won't be the last either. This is the 2nd time he's threatened that. The first time, he called me back and begged forgiveness. I was talking to Gary before all the bad shit happened, and he said "get custody of him"...oh if he only knew how long we've been battling that one out in court. I tried to explain it to him, but he acts as though the court will just hand Andrew over to me and we can go on our merry little way. Not here, not where I come from. I have 2 major things against me. First, who I married, and second and the biggest reason, is I'm a former addict. And no, I never hurt my child or used in front of him. But it was brought up in court by his lawyer one time and it's been thrown in my face ever since. The court here sees no problem with the way we have it set up, which I just looked and it says, "joint custody with liberal visitation to both parties". It doesn't say a word about physical custody. Everytime we have went through this, they leave the ruling as is and says Andrew is doing fine, leave him alone, it would be detrimental to his life to take him out of his father's home full time. Then the next thing out of their mouths are I should feel privaleged that Dale is so involved, especially considering that I had a drug problem at one time, and aren't I glad Kevin isnt' the full time father? Yes, this has been said to me. to my face in open court. So, anyway, I was trying to get Gary to understand all this, and I don't think he understands. Once you get denied in J&D, you go to Circuit, once Circuit makes a ruling, the judge will tell you when you can make another appeal. In other words, like last time, the judge said, the case will be reviewed in 6 months if either party chooses. That means I can't file another motion for 6 months, unless it's an emergency order. But on to this time, I called Mike this morning, he was in the court house and was gonna file it right then, he did not know what grounds to use, but said he would come up with something before he called me back. It's been 8 months this time since we were in court. He said the only problem he sees again, is the court doesn't feel Andrew is in any harm at Dale's house. Same thing we are back to again. I told Dale when he called this morning and he hit the fucking roof. He is gonna file an appeal to legally adopt Andrew, which opens up a fucking can of worms that I never wanted open. So much for keeping it quiet. He's going for blood this time. This involves DNA testing and Kevin and all sorts of bullshit. And all because my son won't friggen listen to a word I say. He treats me the same way Dale did. Only this time, I get hit or kicked when he's mad. I haven't told anyone where it came from, but there is a cut on my face where Andrew knocked the shit out of me last week. I cannot keep doing that either. I will bust his ass, but with my temper, I'm terrified I will go to far. So all I can do is walk away until I have calmed down. Otherwise, I would end up beating my child to death or hitting him, and God knows I never, ever want that. I was done that way until the day I turned 16 and Daddy tried that bullshit on me. I finally stood up for myself. But I can't stand up to an 8 year old. All I can do is ground him or spank him.
Gary says I spoil him. Yeah, I do. But like I told him, until you sit and hold a child in your arms that is dying and there is nothing you can do about it, dont' judge me on how I spoil my child. I lost 2 children, I can never, ever have another, he's it, he's all I have and damnit, if a fucking toy will put a smile on my kid's face, I'll buy the damn toy. Then he had the nerve to say something about how I turned out. What the fuck? I think I turned out pretty damn good to have been through the hell they call my life. He does not know half of the bullshit I have went through. Hell, I told him about the rape, and that was just a walk in the park compared too some of the other shit. I think to have been through what I have, I turned out pretty good. Compared to most, look at Kevin, he went throught the same damn thing and he's a fuckin' crackhead because of it. It helps him forget. It's a wonder I'm not still strung out. So anyway, now I have a battle on my hands over my son. things that are better left alone will be brought up. Mike said that I can't move, or I can, but it will still be brought back to Botetourt, because that is where the order is. If Andrew lived with me more, it would be whereever Andrew lived. But since it's most of the time with Dale, it stays here.
Well, that was Dale on the phone, he is going to go for paternity testing. He's already got Tom Rowe at the courthouse too. First thing they are doing is filing for full custody, visitation every other weekend, then they want a paternity test done and want adoption proceedings done immediately, since the "biological father is incarcerated", well, now everyone at the courthouse knows. he named him in the papers. And since 3 different people at the court house goes to church with my family, it won't take long for this fucking mess to get out. Great. Just fucking great. On top of that, Trumbo is Daddy's best friend from Virginia. He's the one we will go in front of. I'm gonna catch hell for this one.
Court date set for mid December. Great, another fucking holiday ruined. If it's not Kevin, then it's Dale.
All this to do what is "right".

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

I think I have made a decision

but am not ready to say it. I guess I'm afraid if I say something, the wind will blow and I will change my mind. I normally am not so indecisive about things, but this one has me questioning him at every turn.

I have a chance to go out Saturday with someone new and different. Do I want to take that chance? He's so damn young. I'm not into younger guys. But the one exception of his youth is his maturity. He is able to delve deep into my psyche. HMMM, more to think on.

Read it, it's calling your name

After much consideration, I have decided to make my blog friends only after tomorrow morning. There are several other people who read my blog other than who is on my friends list, so I will give them the opportunity to read it and then it will be either friend only or my whole page will become private. I haven't decided on the private page thing yet. I have a lot of wonderful friends and would like to continue to meet more people and I know most people won't add someone who has a private page. So I'm still debating on that one.

The reason you ask? Well, it seems I have a stalker. At least that is the nice word I call her. And yes, for once Amie is playing nice. In case you did not notice, on my page, underneath the pink "it's always nice for you to see me again" avatar, there is something called a tracker. What this means for some people who apparently don't know or don't care, is that the moment you open my page, I know what city you are in, what internet company you use, how many times you have visited my page and what time, along with a link to YOUR page. This for example is what my stalker's information looks like:

FXXXd, VA, US 10/2 7:16:11 AM 26 Citizens Telephone Cooperative (I will keep her page a secret and usually the XXX's arent' there)

That's right. You have been in my page 26 times. For what reason, I might ask? I have already told you that I would gladly tell you what information you wanted, if you only asked. Well, whatever information I choose to share. So, may I ask a few questions and give you some advice? First, did you lose something on my page? I certainly for one do not think so, however, you continue to visit as though you are searching for something. I know you are reading my blog daily. I do understand that. But what part of "I will no longer be discussing our relationship in any way" did you NOT understand? Yet you continue to visit. Did you think I would change my mind? Or are you searching for someone who MIGHT be in my friends list? There are no mutual friends, acquaintances, ex husbands or boyfriends in my friends list, let me assure you.

Second, don't play mind games. No one likes them; they are only fun in your world. The rest of us only humor you. I, for one, will no longer humor you and allow you to come to my page and look through it to find whatever it is you seek. My friends certainly do not want you coming to their pages. If they did, don't you think you would have gotten a friend request by now? I jokingly told someone that I might as well send you one, that way you could at least comment on my blog. Hell, if you are gonna be in my page, you could at least leave me pretty pictures like my friends do.

Or is it that you are trying to figure out what is seen in me? That, my dear remains a mystery and always will. But I do know one thing for certain; I know how to treat a man. I would never break down a person's soul the way you have. So here is my last piece of advice and I shall let you go pout in your corner, or come back and reread it. Several times if you wish. Go for it, it will be the last one that you will read. So heed my advice. Get over it. Move on with your life. Quit fucking up everyone else's. You once told me you had thought about him being with someone else and it would make him happy. Well, don't you think now is the time? If not, at least treat him with the respect he deserves.

I am without doubt that I will hear a ration of shit about this particular blog, but at this point, I do not care. I am tired of my personal space being invaded by someone as heartless as this person is. He may have to tolerate you, but I damn sure don't.

Oh, and for your information, what I have posted above is not against any myspace rules. So don't try any stupid bullshit. No one can identify you and honestly, no one probably wants to either.