Monday, October 9, 2006

sex, love or friendship?

Well, I guess I have a decision to make & soon. Tim has invited me to come visit with him one night this week. I told him I would seriously consider it and tell him on Tuesday. He told me to bring a night bag. I told him I wasn't sure if I was ready, and he told me he could make me forget Gary's name. Well, I'm not so sure about that, but I was going to go ahead and do it, but now there is another option that has been thrown my way, maybe. I'm not sure how serious he was. Gary offered, with the condition that I understood that it was only for sex. Well, yeah, isn't that what an affair is? There was a lot of questions that followed about threesomes and such. I hope he understood what I was trying to get across to him. How I understand sex and love and how I can separate the two. I just wonder if it would mess up our friendship. I have done this before and have maintained friendships, so I don't see how it would. But I don't know if he has and if he realizes the difference.

He said things went good this weekend. I'm glad he didn't have to spend all weekend arguing with her. That made me feel better about things, sort of. A mix of emotions are happening in my head now. Like I told him, my head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another. My head is listening to others who are telling me to move on. My heart is saying "fuck them". Hell, I don't know what to do. When we talk about it, he acts as though I'm sitting around waiting on him. Last time I checked, there was a man with me for the past two days, and I have been talking to 3 others since all this mess happened. So that kinda confuses me. But as I have said before, I am not going to put my heart out there again. It just won't happen. I do know one thing, I won't do it if there is any hesitation at all that it might ruin a friendship. I guess I should find out soon, before Tim starts calling and bugging me.

I have been with Kevin all this time and I know what type of person he is now. The man I thought would be forever. The one I thought would never, ever hurt me has been the one who ultimately ended up scarring me for life. And Gary says he ruined my life. No way in hell, but Kevin almost did. The only good thing that came out of the whole friendship was my son. It seems like all I ever walk away from with in these relationships are my son. The only one who has ever stood beside me. That's kinda sad. Maybe one day, but it just doesn't seem possible to me. Maybe I'm looking through jaded eyes.

Well, enough for tonight. I'm going to try to go to bed. I'm having hot flashes tonight for some odd reason. I guess that's yet another thing I have to talk to the dr about. always something.

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