Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Seeing another side of a person

For some reason, I just got that ache in my chest, that one you get when your feelings are hurt. I mean really hurt. Maybe because they were hurt. Very bad. I'm sitting here crying for whatever stupid reason.

I have tried my best to be a friend to Gary. I understand that he was up most of the night and is tired. Hell, I'm tired too. But he pushed me too far today. For the first time, I am actually mad at him. Before I go too far, let me clarify why I'm mad. I said something about getting tested. And he seemed to just plum the fuck off. Like I was accusing him of something. It's not him I'm worried about, it's her. He doesn't know who she has slept with since they started having problems and since she left. And he is so pussy whipped he'd fucking believe her if she said no one. Shit on all that.

So why are my feelings hurt? I guess because he just up & signed off, no goodbye, kiss my ass or anything. Friends don't do that to one another. Even when they are mad. At least none of the friends I have ever had does that.
So I wrote him a letter, and now that I've sent it, I realize it was out of anger and maybe shouldn't have been wrote so quickly. But I can't take it back. I told him maybe we need to reevaluate this friendship. I'm starting to wonder if there is one at all. He seems so distant lately. Which confuses me.

So, on to the next part of this little rant, why am I so adamant about protection? I was raped at 15 years old. I don't mean just raped, and left. I mean a brutal attack, and not only that, but I was left with a disease called chlamydia. Which is a sexually transmitted disease. Yes, it was treatable and curable. And a pregnancy, which my parents so lovingly took care of for me. (yes I am bitter about that part). Being 15 years old, I was with Kevin, we knew we were going to do it, just not sure when. Truth be told, we were waiting until his mom went to third shift, so I could sneak & spend the night. That night never came. The night of horror came first. I ended up having sex with man who took it violently and did not even consider the consequences. And I am scarred for life because of it. And one of the things that I am left with is the phobia of getting an STD.

I don't know if I have ever told Gary about this, I know that Tim knows. I just wish he would understand and not go off on me like that. I truly wish I hadn't mentioned it at all now. I think I fucked up a friendship. We shall see, I suppose. God, why am I hurting so bad??

No comments: