revelations

Once again, my life has been flipped upside down. Not in a bad way, I suppose.
I needed to hear what Gary told me last night. I didn't agree with it all, and I don't know that I believed everything that he told me, but what he told me makes sense. So, I will leave it at that.
I wrote a very long letter to Kevin, telling him that it was over. Completely over. No friendship, no POA, nothing. That is the only way I will be able to deal with this. It will be so much easier to hate him than to try to hang onto the thought of his possible sobriety. Because I know, he will never, ever be clean. Not only that, but he is not the person I met, the one I fell in love with or the one I love now. I wanted so desperately for him to choose me. But he didn't. He chose the lifestyle of drugs, lies and deception. And not only is he paying for it, I am too. But, I won't anymore and I won't subject my son to it.

I feel ok with all this. For the first time in months, I am at peace with myself. Really, honestly at peace. And that is a great feeling. Yes, I'm exhausted, mentally, I am wrung out. I feel like I have no more to give anyone. But I know that one day I will.