Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Ever the student

§I have learned in the last few days that some men as assholes and always will be. (no, I'm not referring to Steve)
§I have learned that when you truly think you are going to lose it completely, you still have a gnat's ass of strength left in you.
§I have learned sometimes you have to let go. Pick your battles.
§I have learned no matter what you try to do, you can't please everyone all the time. You have to make yourself happy first. Yes, obligations do happen, however, don't let someone make you feel like shit because you don't want to do it. When it is all said and done, you are only giving them permission to have some sort of control over you.
§I have learned the body can continue to produce snot long after you stop crying.
§I have learned some days you just need to cry for no reason and you know what? It's okay to do it.
§I have learned children know exactly which phrases to use to make you want to throttle them. But I have also learned which ones to use to make his life miserable.
§I have learned how important family is. However, family isn't everything and they aren't right all the time.
§I have learned society is judgmental. Deal with it. It has been since the beginning of time and I'm not going to change that.
§I have learned when you sacrifice something you truly love, you learn to appreciate it more.
§I have learned it is not necessarily true that if you love something set it free. Damnit, I set something free and the fricken' man won't leave me alone. He haunts my dreams, my waking thoughts and in general makes me a miserable person. Sure, set it free, if it comes back, shoot it.
§I have learned a playground will mess up a perfectly good pedicure. (this one I learned the hard way)
§and finally, I have learned when you love someone and they love you back, it doesn't have to be the story book romance. It's love and that is all I need.

Friday, March 23, 2007

My kid beat up your honor roll student.

Today was the first day of practice. My son is now officially in the minor league. Woo Hoo. I'm very proud of him, he remembered almost everything from the last 4 years, with one exception: pointing the ball. I have tried and tried to teach this kid to aim for someone's chest. Honestly, I don't think he hit the broad side of a barn. Needless to say, I don't think he'll be the pitcher. Which is cool by me, I like watching him chase after some of those foul balls. He likes being hind catcher, it keeps his attention. Which is a good thing because it wasn't until last year that I convinced him to stand up during the game and not sit and pick the dandelions.

My SIL, Stacey, is finding out what life is like here in our quaint town. In other words, she's realizing that if your child doesn't play a sport or isn't cheering for the team, then your child is pretty much neglected in school. It's the popularity contest that we have all went through. It seems even now, at (almost) 33 years old, I'm still playing the popularity game.

I got to thinking about this popularity contest called LIFE. It seems everyone is always competing in some fashion or another. We all want to be the prettiest, the thinnest, the smartest or the most liked. And we pass that down to our kids. I didn't realize how much every one craves acceptance from other people until my son went to school. Every parent there was encouraging their child to "go make friends" or "be the smartest".

I will admit, I too am guilty of this. I want my son to be accepted and well liked. He has enough problems to overcome in school anyway. For example, he is already 5 ft 3 in. at 9 years old. He weighs approximately 165 lbs. That is off the charts for a 9 year old boy. I honestly believe the only thing that keeps him from being teased about it, is the other kids are afraid of him. (I did teach him not to take shit from anyone) Yet another example, he is in Special Education. He does not read well, nor does he comprehend what little he can read. Bam! 2 strikes against him already.

It's sad to think that I have pushed my son into thinking social acceptance is something he should strive for. I learned about 10 years ago, from my Mom, Lisa, not to give two shits about what people think about you. Who are they to you? Will what I'm doing right now make a difference in a week? A year? She taught me to stand up for myself and not to take any shit off of anyone. For the most part, I live by those standards. I am who I am. You either love me or you hate me, and I personally could give a rat's ass about either one.

How hypocritical is that? Somehow, I need to stress the value of liking yourself and who you are to my son. I have unintentionally diverted his attention away from himself to the popularity game. I need to rectify this and I need to do it quickly. However, I am at a complete and total loss as to go about correcting my mistake. I'm clueless on this one. I have a feeling that no matter what I say, he will always strive to please someone other than himself. And that, is a sad situation.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Almost over

Well, we have almost made it through. It's been extremely hard, although I'm not as paranoid as I thought I was. I guess I do trust him more than I ever realized I did. I can't wait for him to come home, even if I talk to him 2 times a day, I still miss knowing he's right down the road.

I've had pneumonia and I can't seem to get better. The dr wants to put me inpatient to get me on some IV antibiotics, but I'm not going in the hospital while Steve is gone.

One of my ex's stopped by tonight, wanting me to go riding. I don't understand why he won't just go away and leave me alone. He wants to meet "the man that makes me smile"...I didn't realize that Steve did that to me, but now that I think about it, I guess he does. I'm not going to be social with him and his girlfriend, I know that much. I told Steve about it, I would have anyway, but Andrew was threatening to tell everyone. My kid is a snitch. I didn't even do anything, I just leaned on the Miata and talked. I guess my kid knows me too well...But I know I would never, ever do anything to hurt Steve.
I can't wait until this property crap is settled, so the divorce can be finalized. I'm not sure that Steve even still wants to get married anymore. He doesn't ever talk about it anymore, guess he knows that there is no reason to talk about it if we can't do it.

Well, I'm going to go to bed, Andrew is laying down, so I'm sure he's getting tired too. I hope I can sleep.....

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Oh so true


enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...

a youth she's content to leave behind....

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

how to fall in love without losing herself..


when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its


what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...


how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...


whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't
take it personally.. .

where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...


what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Monday, March 19, 2007

Pictures of this and that

I can't take credit for any of these pics, they are all Steve's. Oh yeah and next year, if I even hint of giving of photography for Lent, someone smack me. It has caused more fights than you can imagine!
Misty got me for Valentine's Day

Below are pictures of the Air & Space Museum

Friday, March 16, 2007

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

No. Really, thanks anyway.

Ever notice that when you are sick, every one wants to share their home remedies with you? Same thing as when you are pregnant, every one wants to touch your "baby belly" and tell you their horrid birth stories. I personally, run in the other direction when I hear some one coughing and hacking. I don't want their germs. I always tell Andrew to hold his breathe, there are germies out there. Maybe I should live in a bubble.

Back to the home remedies, I'm standing in Kroger's last night and I have a coughing fit. Being the germaphobic person that I am, I cover my mouth and try to cough in the opposite direction of any person who might be within my range. When you are standing in line, there are people in front of you, behind you and on both sides. Kinda hard to "aim" a germ filled cough. Within 5 minutes, these are some of the remedies I got, along with the story of how I know it works:
~The little old lady behind me tells me that if I drink a hot toddy, my cough will go away. I was thinking, if I drink enough of them, I won't care if I cough.
~The young guy in the aisle next to me, tells me to drink Jack Daniels, honey and lemon. "Proven, every time, won't fail you, my pap-paw (??) gave it to me" Now this one I had heard of, my parents used it on us too. Although I'm not sure it was Jack Daniels, I think it was moonshine, because it burned soo bad, if you were to cough, balls of fire would shoot out of your mouth.
~The cashier informs me that hot tea with lemon works for her. As much as I love sweet tea, put some hot tea in from of me and I will hurl for hours. Instant purging. Needless to say, I detest hot tea.
~Johnny told me a few minutes ago, after I begged and pleaded for him to please shoot me and put me out of my misery, informed me he was off to pick up the cough medicine the dr FINALLY decided to prescribe, and he was bringing me home a
cappuccino. That will sooth my sore throat and my cough (he sounded like a commercial). But he insisted I shouldn't worry that I have no voice. Somehow, I think he likes the peace and quiet. While Andrew on the other hand, finds it very annoying that I can't make a coherent sentence. (I'm considering it payback for all those years he needed an interpreter as a child, speech therapy really paid off for him!)

I find it extremely funny that nurses and doctors are the worst patients. We tend to not take care of ourselves when we are healthy, let alone when we are sick. And let's face it, I have NO ONE here to help me. This is no one in particulars fault, just the way it happens to be. My sister has my kid in the afternoon, my mother doesn't drive, all my friends have small children and the rest of the people in my world work. This got me to thinking, what the hell am I gonna do in April? There is not a chance in hell I will go stay at someone's home. Slim to none chance that I can convince a family member to come stay here. I was looking at Jasper a little while ago and he just isn't big enough to strap a back pack on. And besides that, he would eat or drink whatever I needed before I got it. I'm thinking Alyssa might work, but how will a 3 legged dog do on steps? Hmm, I need a plan.....
Ok, well, my narcotic laced cough medicine is here. Oddly enough, I'm allergic to codeine, however, not hydrocodone. I'm not sure why codeine suppresses a cough, but I do know that I get that warm fuzzy feeling, so I'm off to take a dose or three...and thanks for the home remedies, if I missed any for coughing, please let me know, I'm willing to give it a shot.
The only one I will not try under any circumstances is the following:
The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk : "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".
The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts : "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".
The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

soapbox rant on lying

The ones that I let get close enough, should know and understand me by now. I'm not a hard person to get along with. I ask for only a few things, the main one being complete and total honesty.

Do you think I get it? Hell no. I decided today, what is the fucking point anymore? I'm not going to get it from anyone, ever. Do people not realize that almost everything you do can be tracked, traced or recorded? If you don't know this by now, here's a little helpful hint: it can be and it will come back to bite you in the ass one day, so what is the fucking point in lying about it? Unless you live like a hermit and have no interaction with anyone, at any time and obviously, if you are reading this, it's considered interaction. And yes, even by reading this, you are being tracked
I really hate people sometimes and the other times, I wonder what is the fucking point?
ok, I reckon I'm done...my system is freaking out due to steroids, too bad I can't blame it on PMS.....

Monday, March 12, 2007

did you miss me?

that was the first question out of Andrew's mouth today when I picked him up. Did I miss him? Of course I missed my baby, but it was nice to get away for a few days.
Anyway, I'm home and will be catching up with everyone over the next few days. I feel like I have been run over by a truck due to 400 miles in a Miata spread over 4 days. On top of all that, I'll be damn if I didn't get sick the night I left.

So, I'm home, more later, I have to make some tea. Love to all....

Friday, March 9, 2007

Random thoughts and questions

Just some random thoughts on this Friday morning.

~Am I weird for liking burnt food? I'm eating poptarts and had to put them back in the toaster twice before they were "done" enough for me.
~Why does Ellen DeGeneres wear Vans with a pantsuit? Seems to me she would have a personal stylist or something.
~200 miles from home and my Mama and ex still call me 10 times each. WHY??
~Why can't you carry a firearm in the Nation's Capitol? It's not like you will see anyone important walking down the street and decide to shoot them. Hell, most of them are in an office with their mistresses or with their thumb up their asses.
~What am I supposed to do if Kevin kicks the bucket? Am I morbid for thinking about that?
and lastly, do you think answers come in dreams? I had a wild ass dream about Tim last night, involving a vineyard, the bigfat school girl and his g/f. But at the end of the dream, I was satisfied with questions that have been plaguing (I butchered that word) me for years.
Oh yeah, please pray for my newest cousin, who is yet to be born. It seems there may be some complications when she gets here.

Have a great weekend, I know I will, I'm with my baby, who has LOST weigh...and we are far, far away from annoying people!!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Didn't mean to lock you out

My page was locked down for about two weeks. The reason? I applied for a job where my background was extensively checked out. I decided to go ahead and lock my page down before I could incriminate myself. (LOL, not that my life is that exciting).

However, I have since found out, due to my "ex" husband, I have been labeled a victim of domestic assault. Therefore, I will not be able to work for the place I had applied. It saddens me to think that 1) I'm still paying for his mistakes and 2) I'm considered a victim.

Hopefully soon, the "ex" will leave me alone for good. I made a very hard decision last night. Steve said either I play hardball from the get go or I play nice. Well, I'm not going to play nice anymore. I gave too many years of my life to that man and have nothing but issues and a label to show for it. Screw that. I started over, I'm not looking back now.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Why caller ID was invented

I can be honest about some things in my life. One of them is the fact that I am a spoiled woman and take a lot of things for granted. For example, caller ID. I thought I knew no one who did not have this feature on their phone. Even my still-in-the-dark-ages Mama has it. I thought this was something that automatically came with a landline phone package. Apparently not. And to my horror, I also found out that if you don't have a cordless phone or a caller ID phone, you still have to buy or rent the small caller ID box.
I haven't had a land line for about 3 years now. Heck, just last week we got internet phone. Not a clue how it works, all I know is we have something similar to a modem that plugs into the router and we have now have 3 phones throughout the house, that at various times either work, or don't. Today was the particular day that my phone decided not to work properly.
When I say properly, I should clarify what I mean. The phone rings, you look at the screen it says John Doe 555-123-4567. You either answer it or you don't. And if it's me, I don't. Rarely will I ever answer my telephone, unless it's Steve or the ex. And the only reason I answer the ex's phone calls is because it could be some sort of an emergency with Andrew. And if Andrew is in school, well, I answer it because if I don't, he will call 15-20 times until I do answer. And of course, we all know why I answer the phone for Steve. Ok, I'm rambling, on to the point.
I'm stepping out of the shower and the phone rings. I grab it and it says nothing, the LCD screen doesn't even register there is a call. Thinking I'm becoming schizophrenic like my dear mother, I put the phone down and proceed to dry off. Phone rings again. I, once again grab the phone, nothing. Now by this point, I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind and will be carted off. I'm standing there putting lotion on and the damn thing rings again, this time, I don't even look at the screen, I just push talk. To my surprise I hear a man's voice saying "Hey baby, it's me, please don't hang up, talk to me", knowing it's not Steve or any of my male friends, I kinda stutter "who is this?" and I hear a long sigh and "it's your husband, dumbass"
So, two things to get my attention immediately, someone called ME a dumbass. Second, I'm thinking "husband, I'm not fucking married" and it hits me. Pure rage goes through me, I can literally feel it go down my stomach, much like a shot of Jack Daniels straight up. My defenses are now up, my fight or flight responses are in full gear and I am mad as hell.

I won't bore you with the entire conversation, but I will tell you the phone ended up against the wall. For those of you who know me, know that if a phone is thrown, things did not go well. I believe I am the only human to have an assault charge due to smacking someone upside the head with a phone. (to my defense, he was trying to unplug it as I was calling the police).
As I walk back into the bathroom a few minutes later to retrieve the pieces, I look down and the LCD screen says on there "Virginia Corr. Center" 1-804-xxx-xxxx. WTF?? Why did the damn thing decide to work when I decide not to look at it? I would have preferred a telemarketer, and wrong number, hell, even an obscene heavy breather, but noooo, not me, I get the "If you come see me, I'll play nice" soon to be, should have already been, fucked up my life, ex husband who is a crackhead.

So that, my friends, is why caller ID was invented. To avoid talking to the idiots of the world. And believe me, after that phone call, I realized they all work for the DOC.
**I should have clarified one thing, I had my cell phone forwarded to the new home number.**

Sunday, March 4, 2007


I'm being selfish and having a brat attack at the moment, so bear with me. My father has always said: "You are old enough for your wants not to hurt you". I hated hearing that phrase growing up. (I also hated hearing "does a bear shit in the woods" when asking an, oh so obvious question, but that is a whole other blog).

For the next 3 weeks, he will be gone. I realize with all the modern technology, other than the distance, it will feel like a normal week. I will still be able to talk to him every day. I am very lucky, considering some of my friend's husbands are serving our country and they do not get to talk to them as often as they would like to. I must confess, I would not have made a good military wife, I'm glad he is out. But damnit, I want him to be home, only 40 miles away. I feel lost. I want to be there or him be here. Logically, I understand why he's gone. I see the rational in going away. But the irrational side of me is having the biggest hissy fit.

I don't have a clue why I wrote all this or even if it made sense. All I know is I can't wait until he comes home. It's only been 6 1/2 hours since I saw him last and it seems like forever.

I'm gonna stop with one last thought. Why is it the ones you want to stay in your life, leave all too soon and the ones you don't want are like a booger that keeps sticking to your finger???

Saturday, March 3, 2007

I find it hard to say I'm sorry

To something that happened 400 freakin' years ago. I do not see how, in any form, this "apology" makes up for what happened. Yeah, a lot of people fucked up. And in turn, a lot of people suffered. But honestly, what purpose does it serve NOW? I want to know how these people feel they are being affected NOW, over 400 years later. Are they being turned down for employment? Are their children being pointed at, ridiculed in some way? Will this apology make their life any better than it was before? Somehow, I seriously doubt it. I am on the middle of the fence when it comes to this. I can see how people want the past to be acknowledged. They want everyone to know what happened. I too, want people to know the tragedy that befell my ancestors but to ask for an "apology"? In my opinion just seems like you are digging up the past. Leave it alone people, it's over, done with, finished. This bill recognized what happen, but can never change it.

On to my next middle of the night and I can't sleep rant. The Cherokee Nation recently voted to expel over 2800 decendants of slaves. You can read about that
Before I start my rant on that subject, let me give you some background. My father is of the Cherokee Tribe and I'm not talking a little bit, I'm talking through and through. Therefore, as genetics would have it no other way, I too, am Cherokee. A tribal member I might add. And yes, I voted, so I feel I have a right to bitch and complain if I want to. I personally agree with the vote. Does it mean I am a racist as the article implies? Maybe, depends on your outlook on things. It just pisses me off to no end that these people expect help from the Cherokee Nation when they clearly do not deserve it. Are they Cherokee? NO, their families were involved in a sad situation, again, sorry, hate that for ya.
To me, that is the equivalent of going to Germany and saying "Hey, my great grandparents were murdered in the concentration camps, now give me some money". Strong, harsh words, I know. BUT, will getting money from anyone who wronged your family in the past change what happened? Absolutely NOT. Getting an apology is one thing, but getting money and resources for something that did not directly affect you? Come on now, that's like being a gold digger.

I guess my point on both of these articles are twofold: it's not going to change the past and it damn sure ain't going to change the here and now. While I realize people were not expecting the past to be changed, I believe it is a well known fact that WE as a country screwed up when it came to slavery. I don't feel that we need to be wasting our legistators time on such things. Shouldn't they be trying to solve the problems we have in our society NOW? Or is it just me who feels this way?

Thursday, March 1, 2007


Do you ever feel like you could be doing so much more for yourself? Here lately, I have had that feeling of something is missing in my life. I haven't pinned it down yet, but I know it's there. To be completely honest, I have everything a woman could ever want. I am spoiled beyond belief. I have a great son (even if he does annoy me at times), who is alive and healthy. I have a cool family. I have enough money that I am not in the streets, I have enough food that I am not hungry and I have a roof over my head. And I have finally found a man who accepts me for me. Yup, even the fact that I am not the perfect person I would love everyone to think I am. I have a great set of friends (real ones and online ones). Yes, I willingly admit to being conceited and spoiled. I rarely fail at things I attempt, with one exception: relationships. But now I don't have to even worry about that.

So, what is missing in my life? For unknown reasons, I continue to come back to God and church. Ok, to be honest, maybe not church so much as a relationship with God. As in, I'm sorely lacking in that department. I am one of those people who only pray when I'm in trouble or need something. No, I don't make "deals" with God, but I don't exactly go out of my way to pray either. I honestly believe that is what is missing in my life. But how to fix it? I'm not ready to return to organized religion. I don't feel I need to be sitting around reading the Bible and preaching to people either. What I do know is I need to get my butt in gear. I'm just not sure where to start anymore.

So, what brought all of this on? The following song was played today on my way home and it hit me. Yes, I've had my moments in the sun, but looking at me, you might not know it. That so applies to me right now. How to fix it is a whole other blog. Recognizing that you need to change is the first step. I just hope I'm not jumping off a cliff.

*if you have speakers, turn it up, you will be able to hear the song*

Emerson Drive

(Annie Tate/Sam Tate/Dave Berg)

I was coming to the end of a long long walk
When a man crawled out of a cardboard box
Under the E. Street Bridge
Followed me on to it
I went out halfway across
With that homeless shadow tagging along
So I dug for some change
Wouldn't need it anyway
He took it lookin' just a bit ashamed
He said, You know, I haven't always been this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that plane ride coming home from the war
That summer my son was born
And memories like a coat so warm
A cold wind can't get through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I stood there tryin' to find my nerve
Wondering if a single soul on Earth
Would care at all
Miss me when I'm gone
That old man just kept hanging around
Lookin' at me, lookin' down
I think he recognized
That look in my eyes
Standing with him there I felt ashamed
I said, You know, I haven't always felt this way

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like the day I walked away from the wine
For a woman who became my wife
And a love that, when it was right,
Could always see me through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments

I know somewhere 'round a trashcan fire tonight
That old man tells his story one more time
He says

I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do
Like that cool night on the E. Street Bridge
When a young man almost ended it
I was right there, wasn't scared a bit
And I helped to pull him through
Lookin' at me now you might not know it
Oh, lookin' at me now you might not know it
But I've had my moments