Wednesday, March 14, 2007

No. Really, thanks anyway.

Ever notice that when you are sick, every one wants to share their home remedies with you? Same thing as when you are pregnant, every one wants to touch your "baby belly" and tell you their horrid birth stories. I personally, run in the other direction when I hear some one coughing and hacking. I don't want their germs. I always tell Andrew to hold his breathe, there are germies out there. Maybe I should live in a bubble.

Back to the home remedies, I'm standing in Kroger's last night and I have a coughing fit. Being the germaphobic person that I am, I cover my mouth and try to cough in the opposite direction of any person who might be within my range. When you are standing in line, there are people in front of you, behind you and on both sides. Kinda hard to "aim" a germ filled cough. Within 5 minutes, these are some of the remedies I got, along with the story of how I know it works:
~The little old lady behind me tells me that if I drink a hot toddy, my cough will go away. I was thinking, if I drink enough of them, I won't care if I cough.
~The young guy in the aisle next to me, tells me to drink Jack Daniels, honey and lemon. "Proven, every time, won't fail you, my pap-paw (??) gave it to me" Now this one I had heard of, my parents used it on us too. Although I'm not sure it was Jack Daniels, I think it was moonshine, because it burned soo bad, if you were to cough, balls of fire would shoot out of your mouth.
~The cashier informs me that hot tea with lemon works for her. As much as I love sweet tea, put some hot tea in from of me and I will hurl for hours. Instant purging. Needless to say, I detest hot tea.
~Johnny told me a few minutes ago, after I begged and pleaded for him to please shoot me and put me out of my misery, informed me he was off to pick up the cough medicine the dr FINALLY decided to prescribe, and he was bringing me home a
cappuccino. That will sooth my sore throat and my cough (he sounded like a commercial). But he insisted I shouldn't worry that I have no voice. Somehow, I think he likes the peace and quiet. While Andrew on the other hand, finds it very annoying that I can't make a coherent sentence. (I'm considering it payback for all those years he needed an interpreter as a child, speech therapy really paid off for him!)

I find it extremely funny that nurses and doctors are the worst patients. We tend to not take care of ourselves when we are healthy, let alone when we are sick. And let's face it, I have NO ONE here to help me. This is no one in particulars fault, just the way it happens to be. My sister has my kid in the afternoon, my mother doesn't drive, all my friends have small children and the rest of the people in my world work. This got me to thinking, what the hell am I gonna do in April? There is not a chance in hell I will go stay at someone's home. Slim to none chance that I can convince a family member to come stay here. I was looking at Jasper a little while ago and he just isn't big enough to strap a back pack on. And besides that, he would eat or drink whatever I needed before I got it. I'm thinking Alyssa might work, but how will a 3 legged dog do on steps? Hmm, I need a plan.....
Ok, well, my narcotic laced cough medicine is here. Oddly enough, I'm allergic to codeine, however, not hydrocodone. I'm not sure why codeine suppresses a cough, but I do know that I get that warm fuzzy feeling, so I'm off to take a dose or three...and thanks for the home remedies, if I missed any for coughing, please let me know, I'm willing to give it a shot.
The only one I will not try under any circumstances is the following:
The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk : "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".
The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts : "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".
The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can, look at him, he's afraid to cough."

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