In for a huge battle

Well fuck. I'm ready to bolt from here and run quick. I promised myself when Kevin went back into jail that I would not run from my problems again. So, I think I've done pretty good. Well, I'm ready to break that promise and run for the hills. Any hills at this point in time.
Dale and I had a huge fight last night over Andrew. Andrew was mad and wanted to come spend the night. Neither Dale nor I wanted to let him come over, I'm trying to teach him that no matter how mad he is at his Daddy, he can't just leave. I don't want to teach him my bad habits. Well, then he gets to crying, and Dale wants to give in and I said no. So automatically, he starts running that fucking mouth of his. I'm a bad mother, I need to get my priorities straight. What had I been snorting or smoking today? Why did I even both to have children if I didn't want to spend time with him? All the things that he knows hurts me, he flung at me. I tried my damndest not to fight with him. We ended up fighting anyway. Then he says he's gonna come after me for child support again. I don't know where he thinks he gets the right to get money for Andrew, ok, yes, he may have him 1 more time a week than me. We equally share child care, medical expenses and I hand Dale money any time that Dale gets a whim to buy him something expensive. The only thing I do not pay for is health insurance, but I pay for his dental and life insurance, by the year. So it works out "even".
This is not the first time we've fought, won't be the last either. This is the 2nd time he's threatened that. The first time, he called me back and begged forgiveness. I was talking to Gary before all the bad shit happened, and he said "get custody of him"...oh if he only knew how long we've been battling that one out in court. I tried to explain it to him, but he acts as though the court will just hand Andrew over to me and we can go on our merry little way. Not here, not where I come from. I have 2 major things against me. First, who I married, and second and the biggest reason, is I'm a former addict. And no, I never hurt my child or used in front of him. But it was brought up in court by his lawyer one time and it's been thrown in my face ever since. The court here sees no problem with the way we have it set up, which I just looked and it says, "joint custody with liberal visitation to both parties". It doesn't say a word about physical custody. Everytime we have went through this, they leave the ruling as is and says Andrew is doing fine, leave him alone, it would be detrimental to his life to take him out of his father's home full time. Then the next thing out of their mouths are I should feel privaleged that Dale is so involved, especially considering that I had a drug problem at one time, and aren't I glad Kevin isnt' the full time father? Yes, this has been said to me. to my face in open court. So, anyway, I was trying to get Gary to understand all this, and I don't think he understands. Once you get denied in J&D, you go to Circuit, once Circuit makes a ruling, the judge will tell you when you can make another appeal. In other words, like last time, the judge said, the case will be reviewed in 6 months if either party chooses. That means I can't file another motion for 6 months, unless it's an emergency order. But on to this time, I called Mike this morning, he was in the court house and was gonna file it right then, he did not know what grounds to use, but said he would come up with something before he called me back. It's been 8 months this time since we were in court. He said the only problem he sees again, is the court doesn't feel Andrew is in any harm at Dale's house. Same thing we are back to again. I told Dale when he called this morning and he hit the fucking roof. He is gonna file an appeal to legally adopt Andrew, which opens up a fucking can of worms that I never wanted open. So much for keeping it quiet. He's going for blood this time. This involves DNA testing and Kevin and all sorts of bullshit. And all because my son won't friggen listen to a word I say. He treats me the same way Dale did. Only this time, I get hit or kicked when he's mad. I haven't told anyone where it came from, but there is a cut on my face where Andrew knocked the shit out of me last week. I cannot keep doing that either. I will bust his ass, but with my temper, I'm terrified I will go to far. So all I can do is walk away until I have calmed down. Otherwise, I would end up beating my child to death or hitting him, and God knows I never, ever want that. I was done that way until the day I turned 16 and Daddy tried that bullshit on me. I finally stood up for myself. But I can't stand up to an 8 year old. All I can do is ground him or spank him.
Gary says I spoil him. Yeah, I do. But like I told him, until you sit and hold a child in your arms that is dying and there is nothing you can do about it, dont' judge me on how I spoil my child. I lost 2 children, I can never, ever have another, he's it, he's all I have and damnit, if a fucking toy will put a smile on my kid's face, I'll buy the damn toy. Then he had the nerve to say something about how I turned out. What the fuck? I think I turned out pretty damn good to have been through the hell they call my life. He does not know half of the bullshit I have went through. Hell, I told him about the rape, and that was just a walk in the park compared too some of the other shit. I think to have been through what I have, I turned out pretty good. Compared to most, look at Kevin, he went throught the same damn thing and he's a fuckin' crackhead because of it. It helps him forget. It's a wonder I'm not still strung out. So anyway, now I have a battle on my hands over my son. things that are better left alone will be brought up. Mike said that I can't move, or I can, but it will still be brought back to Botetourt, because that is where the order is. If Andrew lived with me more, it would be whereever Andrew lived. But since it's most of the time with Dale, it stays here.
Well, that was Dale on the phone, he is going to go for paternity testing. He's already got Tom Rowe at the courthouse too. First thing they are doing is filing for full custody, visitation every other weekend, then they want a paternity test done and want adoption proceedings done immediately, since the "biological father is incarcerated", well, now everyone at the courthouse knows. he named him in the papers. And since 3 different people at the court house goes to church with my family, it won't take long for this fucking mess to get out. Great. Just fucking great. On top of that, Trumbo is Daddy's best friend from Virginia. He's the one we will go in front of. I'm gonna catch hell for this one.
Court date set for mid December. Great, another fucking holiday ruined. If it's not Kevin, then it's Dale.
All this to do what is "right".