Wednesday, October 11, 2006

So many decisions

Well, I am second guessing myself once again about Tim. We had a long talk tonight, and he said he can't promise me anything as far as not wanting a relationship. I can't handle a relationship with him again. I know where that will lead. Lots of drinking, lots of pot and and assload of sex. And the only thing I'm interested in is the sex. Yes, we had a blast when we were together and he did treat me like a queen up until that day Rhonday showed up. But those things aren't what I'm looking for. Hell, I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I want someone who for once, will put me first in their life. I have never been first in anyone's life. I want someone to love me for me. All my little quirks, and I know I have a few, I will be the first to admit, I'm not perfect, far from it. I'm also scared that what will happen if Rhonda shows back up, will he run back to her? I couldn't deal with that again. So, he wants all or nothing. I have to tell him tomorrow night. What a thing to have to decide.

I talked to Steve again tonight, we talked about Andrew. I asked him if he scared him completely off, and he said, not completely. He said it is a concern for him, but he is not going to rush to judgement, whatever that means. He has friends coming in this weekend, and is going to Maryland next weekend. But wants to come over on Thursday after work, I told him that was fine. Then he also asked about going somewhere one weekend. I told him we'd talk about it. I had to repeat the I'm not in a hurry thing, and he said the same, so that was a huge relief. So, this is a nice slow process, and I'm fine with it. Whatever happens, happens. I honestly don't believe this will go anywhere, other than friends.

Tammy sent me a message tonight wanting to know why I hadn't contacted her all weekend. I sent one back saying I thought she said the relationship was over, so therefore, what was the point in trying to get in touch with her? It seemed like it pissed her off, oh well. At this point, I'm beyond caring.
I finally got my internet fixed, I think anyway. Johnny had it for a long time trying to figure it out. Finally, Gary told me to upgrade, so I did. And then, it wouldn't work, so I looked the error code up and it said it was because of style xp. I downloaded firefox and was using it, but then changed my mind and just deleted style xp and now things are working fine. I think anyway. I was ready to throw this damn thing out. I hate when computers fuck with me.
Well, I am sleepy, so I'm heading to bed early for once.

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