Monday, June 4, 2007

The Means To An End

Kevin met with the lawyers this morning. I did not know until today. After a 21-day waiting period (even if I waive my right to an appeal), the MSA will be done. Every tie we have together will be cut and we go our separate ways.

I received 2 letters over the weekend. The first was pretty abrupt and to the point. The second one was a little easier to take but it still hurt to read some of the things he said. He brought up some valid points, some good memories and even wished Steve and I well.

I think what stunned me the most was the following:

"I reckon I'll go ahead and say this in case you don't visit. I wish you the best Amie, I really do. There will be times when I think about you and miss you. I'm positive that Steve, or someone, will make you very happy. Where as, I failed to do so. Soon you will have the chance at a really good future, so do yourself a favor and take full advantage of it! Take good care of yourself, you hear? No hard feelings, OK?"

Why do the words you always wanted and needed to hear, always come to late?

I'm hurt, sad, happy and guilty all at the same time.

This was the end of a 24 years friendship. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell him a lot of things that needed to be said. And now I never will. I don't know how I feel about it; happy in a way that he can't hurt me anymore and sad to know I really tried my damndest and failed. Sad because those words are not something I ever expected to hear from Kevin. Sad because he's not the Kevin I knew from so long ago. From age 9 until well into my adulthood, he was in my thoughts most of the day. Now, he's in my thoughts because I am trying to figure out a way to get him out of my life. It seems he has already accepted the fact we will never see each other again. I, on the other hand, apparently had not.

Steve says I'm going through stages, much like the ones people feel when going through the death of a loved one. I know it is true. The guilt comes from the fact that I am "mourning" a relationship that will never be again, when I should be focused on the one I'm in. I have been crying on and off all day, rereading the letters and wondering if I should go say goodbye face to face. Yet, in the same breath, I'm afraid to. He has nothing to hold over me now. He has signed the papers. It's done. There is no reason for him to emotionally fuck with me. I need to say goodbye, somehow. And I'm not sure a letter will do it.

I hate failing. I feel at my lowest point when I realize I failed to accomplish something. I believe I can honestly say the only part in life that I have never been able to conquer is love and relationships. But I have also heard that if you go into something with a negative attitude, it will fail. This time, I'm going to walk away knowing I gave it my all and it is not my fault that it did not work. And I'm walking into my relationship with Steve with the positive attitude that we can make it work. Finally, after all these years, I can say without hesitation the words "we can make it work", and that is a really good feeling. But before I do, I need to get rid of old demons or they will forever plague me. I don't want to bring any more baggage than I already am into this relationship.

I feel so guilty for even writing this. I feel like I am "wasting" emotions on someone who is not worth it. At this point, all I know is I'm emotionally drained when it comes to the Kevin saga. It's time to let it go. Finally, I am free of the emotional torture that was my life for so many years. So, why doesn't it feel good? Why am I not ecstatic? I wish I knew and I wish these feelings would go away.

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