Friday, June 1, 2007

Health Hazards of Being Me

Today I went for a CBC (complete blood count) I have a bacterial infection and cannot begin treatment until it is gone. My white cell count is still too high to try to place a Hickman and I am dehydrated. I got another shot in the ass and was sent on my way. I go back next Wednesday. I will be glad when I start my treatments because waiting is the worst part for me. I also will be really, really happy when I can get my tattoo finished; without a good white blood cell count that can't happen. Next thing you know they are going to tell me swimming is hazardous to my health too. Oh wait, they already did. Apparently, when swimming it reflects UV rays off the water and gives you a great appearance called a TAN. But in return you have the nasty side effect of cancer. I swear you can't do anything these days.

Everywhere you go these days, you hear about all the different health hazards. Most of them are self-explanatory. Some seem completely outrageous. Then there are hazardous to your health if you are close to me. I should come with some of those warnings, much like the ones they put on hair dryers and other electrical appliances. My reasoning is due to new nurses who haven't quite gotten the hang of patient care. Their intentions are well meaning, they just need to tweak it a little. The following is a short list of my warnings.

1. May cause uncontrolled fits of giggling.

~ After getting a shot today, the nurse was "rubbing" the injection site to distribute the medicine. After a minute or so, I asked if she was finished yet. When she asked "why?" I had to give her the bad news that she was rubbing the wrong spot. And a chick rubbing my butt did nothing for me, she sputtered and squeaked and quickly exited the room. This in turn caused my doctor to completely lose it and he also had to leave the room. I'm assuming to catch his breath from laughing so hard. Either that or he was afraid I was going to ask him to rub it.

2. Step away from the sleeping patient.

~After getting my blood taken, I went back to the room and waited. The lab can sometimes take up to an hour before getting results. I decided to take a nap. Yes, I can pretty much sleep anywhere. So I curled up on the examining table, took the paper pillow and got comfy. Next thing I know, I hear "please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, let go". Apparently, the nurse got a little too close for my comfort level; I grabbed her arm and proceeded to move her away. It's a shame I was asleep for all that, I would have liked to seen her face.

3. Don't tell a patient it will feel like a bee sting.

~So the nurse tells me the shot will feel like a bee sting. The hell it did. Felt like a damn cattle prod electrifying my butt. In turn, this will cause me to jump and pull away. It might be a good idea to check needle gage before inserting it into a patient's derriere.

4. After screwing up, don't ask to try again.

~Said nurse had already poked me with a large gage needle, made me bleed onto my clothing and had rubbed my butt much longer than needed. Then she wants to give me another shot? Ya know, the Bible says turn the other cheek, but come on, this was a bit of a stretch for me. I remember those days of screwing up as a young nurse, feeling like I would never get the hang of things and in general wondering if I had chosen the right path. But never did I inflict injury, and then ask if I could do it again. Even I had a little more sense than that.

Just when I think the ball is rolling, the damn thing goes flat. In a way, it scares me to think I have all these cells rapidly growing and nothing is being done about it. And for some reason in my head when I think of cancer, I picture mold on cheese. Now how disgusting is that? I suppose it is better than what I called Andrew when I was pregnant with him. He was a parasite. I mean, seriously think about it, a baby is only using you as their host. Then they cause a great amount of pain for 17 hours (I was lucky), then they bleed you dry for 18 years and possibly more if they go to college. Damnit he better pick me out a good nursing home for all my trouble! And I want to be on the same wing as the crazy people. At least I will have some sort of entertainment. Crazy people are fun to pick at. Alas, that is another blog. It is time to go get my medicine to ensure I don't become one of the crazies who rock and drool.

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