Friday, May 11, 2007

Mother’s Day

Sunday is Mother's Day. I guess as a mother, I'm supposed to be all excited and feel honored, I'm sure I should feel some emotion other than "it's just another day". I feel this way towards my own mothers, not just about me being a mother. I always tell my mother and my Mom that I love them, miss them and how much I need them. Maybe it's a female bonding thing? I'm not sure.

I have never made it a secret that I did not plan on having children. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, it was about the same time as the death of my Nannie. I somehow thought it was Divine Intervention. It was a gift from God to "make up for" taking my beloved Nanny. We all know how that turned out.

I wasn't very kind to my body during the beginning of my pregnancy. Not knowing, I drank, did drugs, smoked, ran around, partied my ass off and lost over 35 lbs. Once I found out I was expecting again, I was devastated. Not only was I going to have a baby, but also I was alone in the world (Dale was not around and Kevin had went back to his wife). But not once did the thought of giving up my child or having an abortion cross my mind. The only thought that plagued me was losing the baby as I had lost the other ones. Against all odds, he is the one who survived. I've always called Drew my "miracle child". This child has had it rough when it comes to me being his Mama.

I remember the first time he called me Mama. I almost freaked out and at the same time, I was thrilled. 9 years later, I still get that butterfly feeling when I hear my son laugh or call me Mama.

I won't lie; being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Everyday there is something new, something else to contend with. I have found what works for one child, does not work with another. There is not a book, an instructional manual or a do it yourself video to prepare you for having a child. Or for being the mother of that child.

I am not perfect. I know I will never be nominated for the mother of the year award. I have no patience. I scream at my child. He screams at me just as loud. I lose my temper and stomp off, terrified that I will somehow hurt him with my words. There are days when I wish he would leave me alone. There are days I wish he would pay more attention to me. Seeing him walk off to the bus stop by himself for the first time the other day almost broke my heart. But when he comes home, sits on my lap and puts his arms around me and tells me he loves me, it all disappears, it makes being a mother worth it.

I guess when I think of Mother's Day, I think about the little things that Andrew and I share. Not the fact that I am his mother or that I should get accolades for having a child. I am content with just being Mama. Anyone can be a "mother", but it feels so much better when you are called Mama.

Clay Walker--"Fore She Was Mama"

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