Friday, May 4, 2007

testing 1...2...3...

Remember the old broadcasting tests they used to do? The ones where everything stopped for 20-30 seconds and all you heard was the annoying siren sounding buzz. When I was smaller and lived on the Navy base, I remember they would start out with the testing 1...2....3....I always wondered what they were testing. Finally, one time, I heard it come across the airwaves, this time there was no prologue of "this is only a test". It turned out to be a hurricane. I barely remember it, but I remember the devastation it caused. Right now, I feel like my life has crossed over into the emergency mode. I know what devastation is on its way.

On Wednesday, I got a call from my gynecologist/oncologist asking if I could be at his office at 3 p.m. I made it there by 2:40 p.m. Needless to say; I wanted to know how the test results came out. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong when my nurse didn't joke around with me about having to weigh me. She barely spoke and couldn't look in my eyes. With a foreboding feeling, I followed her to a conference room rather than an examination room. Dr. G. (no, not the forensic pathologist, Heather!!) came in and sat down. He did not give any warning, he just spoke in those hushed tones that doctors use when giving anyone bad news.

"Your test results came back malignant for uterine cells". "Since this is your 3rd reoccurrence, you are now what is considered recurrent uterine sarcoma, stage IIIA. " Suddenly, my stomach felt like it was going down a roller coaster and the rest of my body was still on unmoving ground. 2 days later, I still feel that way.

At this point, my options are a total reconstructive pelvic surgery, chemotherapy, radiation or hormone treatment therapy. I will be completely honest; chemotherapy is my very last option. I will only choose it should the doctor's tell me it's my last option. And even then, I'm not sure I would go through it again.

Radiation is a good choice, but it will involve being hospitalized. Also, another drawback: radiation cannot be done in the same place twice. So, should it ever reoccur again, radiation would not be an option. Having the total pelvic reconstruction works much the same way; once it's done, there is not a lot of tissue left for the surgeons to take. So that leaves me with hormone therapy. From what I have learned so far, they give you mega doses of hormones in hopes of killing the cancer.

Whatever I choose, I have no more than a 55% chance of beating this. Should I choose not to do anything, yes, I will die. Not immediately, but within a few years, it will slowly spread throughout my body.

Steve and I discussed all the options and he told me he is selfish enough to ask me to do something, not just ignore it and hope it will go away. Because I am a mother, I do feel an obligation to make sure I see my son into adulthood. However, there is a side of me that wants to say, I'm done, finished, see ya later, bye. But I know in my heart, I cannot do that. Not only because of Steve, but for the main reason, that little boy who's big brown eyes mirror mine.

I have an appointment in 2 weeks with a reproductive endocrinologist, who will give me more details on the hormone therapy. In between now and then, I will have lots of doctors appointments and tests done to see what is left down there.

I have to say, Steve has been my rock over the last few months. I never would have dreamed of meeting a man and within months of meeting him, telling him I have cancer and expect him to stay. Not only has he stayed; we have planned a future together. A future I plan on being part of. He told me when we had our first all night conversation that every girl he has been with ended up telling him he was "emotionally unavailable". Yeah, well, those chicks must have been very needy or very stupid, because he has been nothing but my emotional rock. No, it may not come out within minutes of me telling him something, but within a day or so, he pulls through for me.

I guess I'm done now; I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on. Only a selected few gets to read this blog, mainly because you are the ones I care about most. I don't think even Steve is on my "preferred list" and I ask you all to keep what I have said in confidence.

Everyone has asked what he or she can do. Right now, nothing. Just make sure you tell your children and your significant other how much you love them, because you never know what might happen. I love you all.

No comments: