Thursday, February 8, 2007

The most vile thing the body ever invented

Having come from a nursing background, I have pretty much seen it all. I have taken old men out to smoke through their trach tubes, I have seen patients pour coffee into their g tubes. Yes, nasty, but when the human mind craves something, a person will go to extreme lengths to get it. But what happens when a person's mind gets its signals crossed? When I say this, I am talking about the fight or flight response that we all have.

My fight or flight response is seriously messed up. I have panic disorder. I have had some sort of panic attack since I was a small child. I do not know why and I have quit asking. It is something I have come to accept. (it's my delusion, so humor me)

The thing that irritates me more than I can put into words are stupid people who believe it is "all in your head". Well, yeah, it may be "all in my head", but my body physically reacts to what my brains tells it to. An example, after finding out today that I have to have yet another invasive procedure, I had a panic attack. (Ok, multiple ones). Andrew was not behaving and I called his father for some help. Rather than help, I received criticism, rejection and much to my horror, blame.

Blame, you ask? Yup, I was told, once again that I needed to get over it. I ended up in tears crying because all I wanted was someone to tell my child to listen to me for a few minutes. Instead I ended up with a child telling me to "stop crying, it is stupid to cry" and the best I've heard (ever better than some of his father's barbs) "you're a grown up, I thought grown ups could handle anything". If only things were that simple and easy.

I know several of my friends & readers have panic attacks and know what I am talking about, for those who don't, thank God. And pray you never do.
So, to break the stereotype, I am one of thousands of people who suffer from panic disorder of unknown origin. So next time you see or hear of someone with a mental disorder, remember me. Not all of us are homeless or institutionalized, some of us take care of your children, your parents and maybe one day, even you.

No comments: