Friday, April 13, 2007

I told you she created a monster

From my Mom:
Hey girl, I taught you better than that...... Are you really going to just stick your head in a hole and think the world will go away? Pout, have a pity party and then pull yourself up, stand tall, hold that head up and face the world. And if you really love him, don't let him "just" walk away... Don't you dare use this as an excuse to quit living. email me........ where's my "monster"?

After being rudely awaken by an elbow to my side and being told there wasn't enough room to work on the airbags, I finally decided to get up. And the above is what I find. At first, I thought, I'm not doing that. And then I realized, she's right, I am hiding. I haven't called any of my friends, I haven't been home in a week and in general, I've been a turd.

To put things mildly, I've had a rough week. Jealously that escalated to a fight was the beginning. Got that cleared up. And to answer not only her, but everyone else, I do love him. It is hard to describe. It's not a deep, needy, obsessive, "I need to take care of you" love like it was with Kevin. It's not the "get me out of here, well, I'll stay with you because you are the father of my kid" love as it was with Dale. And it's not the warped whatever you want to call it relationship I had with Tim. And as I told Andrew, we don't count Joseph, he was, simply put, a mistake that I barely remember.
Whatever it is that Steve and I have is not clouded with delusions of changing someone, fixing them to suit you or molding yourself for them. I really, truly and honestly believe that for the first time in my life, I am in love. And no, he did not walk away. And neither did I. We walked towards each other and sat down like adults and talked it out.

To make things so much more fun, my body is showing its ass, as my Mama would say. It has decided to throw a few kidney stones my way. And to top it all off, I have surgery in two weeks. Surgery that will once again change my life. I'm not looking forward to it, but it is an evil that must be dealt with. I am terrified to no end. I do not understand why I keep having reoccurances. But it's not my place to question, I am just kinda dealing with it. Ok, let's be completely honest, I'm avoiding thinking about it. As Steve and I decided the other day, I have too many irons in the fire. (one is about to be removed, I graduate in less than a month!!)

So, to all my dear friends who over the last few days called and wrote, I apologize for not being my chipper self. A special heads up to Gary and Janie. Immediately, they knew something was up, more so than my usual drama. As for Heather and Nikki, I am blessed to have been taken in by your family. I thank you all for taking the time to care. I'm very lucky for each and every one of you. And as always, thanks Mom, for giving me the reality check that I really needed.

So, with that being said, I'm going to go check on Steve and his dreams of working on airbags. I seriously hope it didn't blow up on him.

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