Thursday, April 26, 2007

A kid with a new toy

For the first time in my life, I am what I consider stable. Stable as in:
my relationship with Steve
my relationship with my son
emotionally (yeah, I have my days, but who doesn't)
In the past, stable = predictable. I didn't like predictable. I like being able to get up, jump in the Miata and just go. Go where? Anywhere. Away from my life. Away from the day to day stressors that come along with being an adult. I am the one who used to run when the going got tough. First time there was a sign of trouble, I was gone. Literally. Whether it be a relationship, family problems or emotional. If I could not physically leave, I would make sure I self medicated enough to mentally leave.

When I enter into a relationship, most of the time, it's all about the intense feelings that come with being infatuated with someone. If you've ever done drugs, you know what I'm talking about. You continually chase that first high. But, like a kid with a new toy, those feelings wear off. Being the shallow person that I am, I can admit, it takes a lot to keep me interested. Yes, I can withstand a long term relationship, in fact that is all I have ever had. Sure, I have dated and had my share of flings, but oddly enough, even that did not give me the feeling of elation that I wanted. It only left me wonder what was next. So again, I would run.

So once Kevin was gone for good this time. I decided that I wasn't going to get involved with any more men. I was going to stay single. Yeah, well that lasted all of about 10 months. And the first man I met was so much like the sober Kevin, I clung to him. Thank God he had the good sense to point that out to me. So, we ended up being pretty good friends. I haven't talked to him in a while, but I know that if I need to unload he's there for me. I do consider him one of my best friends.

And then there is Steve. My world got turned completely upside down on that one. I wasn't looking, I was scared and I was tired of being hurt.
It took a while, but I started to realize that I was looking forward to his calls, little emails saying hey. The new toy (sorry baby) feeling didn't go away as I expected it to. It's been 7 months now and I still feel like the kid with the new toy. It's like the triple shake from McDonald's, shake it up, and you never know what you are gonna get, but whatever it is, it's good.

Over the last month, I have realized that stable = predictable is a good thing. I like knowing that on Thursdays, we will see each other, on Fridays, I go to his house, Saturdays and Sundays we just hang out and maybe visit family. For once in my life, I don't want to run. Yes, I have felt the need to run, but not because of him. Never because of him. It's always been outside influences that have made me want to bolt. But knowing that I would lose possibly the best thing that ever happened to me, I realize it's not worth it.

So why am I rambling, probably making no sense whatsoever? Because someone close to me has decided to have an affair. Possibly ruining the best thing in their life. It almost breaks my heart, knowing that this person could lose what took so many years to build. And for what? Meaningless sex? Ppfftt on that. So, before you (and not that any of my readers would) decide to go out and have a fling, step back and remember that new toy feeling. Reach down deep inside and find that feeling again, don't risk it all over something that will fade away in a few weeks anyway.

Coming from me, the person who was once morally corrupt when it came to faithfulness, it truly is not worth the risk.

Stable = predictable, sounds pretty good to me. And one of the best parts? I now have someone to jump in the Miata and go with me and that in itself is a really good feeling.

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