Normally, I would post this in my other blog, but since the site is down right now, I'm doing it here. Steve, you may not want to read this.
Years ago, a day had been particularly hard. I, per my parents instructions, was told to get rid of "that boy" or they would. You see, my friend Jenny saw my Daddy every day. And the day before, Kevin had jerked me across the hallway. So, he had jerked me around from time to time, it didn't seem like a big deal at the time. However, in my friends eyes (and now mine), it was the first sign of many years of abuse to come. She ratted Kevin out. My Daddy knew the signs of abuse and was only trying to protect me. But, being the stubborn person that I am, didn't want to believe my Daddy was right. I wanted to believe that he simply didn't want to see me happy. (How much further from the truth could that have been??)
Leaving school that day, I was thrown as cassette tape. I was thrilled, it was the new Aerosmith: Pump. Riding with my cousin to my Nannie's house for the weekend, I discovered a song on there that has stuck with me, some (almost) 20 years later. Inside the tape, I found a note. I'm not sure exactly what it said, but something to the effect of "What will it take to let you go?" It took me a while to realize what those words meant, then I heard the song, I was hooked.
For some reason, tonight, Kevin is on my mind. I wonder if he is ok. I wonder how he is surviving prison life. And I wonder what will it take for him to let me go.
It's nights like these, I hate to be alone. I should be asleep, I should be peacefully sleeping. But every time I close my eyes, I see Kevin. I see the film of our lives together. In order to "get over" Kevin, I tend to remember the bad stuff, not the good. Something triggered a memory tonight that I had not thought of in years, the sharing of the cassette tape. One week it was mine, the next his. This didn't last long, as he "got over" me pretty quick. The following year, his son, Justin was born. But I got custody of the tape. I still have it.
I can't fathom why I continue to torture myself and allow thoughts to creep in about him. I finally have my life on the path I want it to be on, yet, memories of him continue to creep in.
I hate these long nights. I hate hormones, I hate that I think of him, when my thoughts should be focused on Steve and planning our life together. I know without any hesitation I would never go back to Kevin, I can honestly say that now. Before I really "fell in love" with Steve, I'm not sure I could have said that. I feel as though any thoughts of Kevin should be automatically banned from my memory. I know it doesn't work that way,
So anyway, below are the lyrics and a link to the song. I'm sure some of you remember it.
What it takes---Aerosmith
And, uh, all those late night promises I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story? Did you find another man?
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made?
When you don't look back I guess the feelings start to fade away.
I used to feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street like you didn't miss a beat, yeah
Chorus:
Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me what it takes to let you go.
Yeah
Girl, before I met you I was F.I.N.E. Fine
but your love made me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money, then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
Cause you had me in deep with the devil in your eyes
Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dyin' when you're cryin' for me
Chorus
Tell me what it takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost everything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
No no no no 'cause I don't wanna burn in paradise
Ooo Let go, let go, let go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go,
let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
I don't wanna burn, I don't wanna burn
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