How to remain an intact male

Steve and I were talking the other night and I made a comment about how no matter what, there are certain answers that a male needs to give a female. As in, under the death penalty, some things you just don't tell a woman. The example I used was if a woman asked if she was fat, under NO circumstances should a man say "yes". Well, I suppose if he secretly desires to be a eunuch or just likes to sleep on the couch where others put their ass, he could answer honestly.

Now, I'm all about honesty. I don't want people to lie to me or blow smoke up my ass. However, because I'm a woman and this is ingrained into my brain, I suppose, some of these are nice to hear. So, here they are (per a website found through Google) and my little comments are beside them, 'cause all of y'all know I have some snide comments to make about everything ;-)

1. "You're beautiful and sexy."
Yup, this one is very important. I mean, if your woman looks like the ass end of a bull dog, she still needs to hear it. Hell, I might look that way, but so far, no one has had the nerve to tell me that. Actually, it's been quiet the opposite. Guess I've been pretty lucky about the guys I've dated/married, they had this one covered. Well, almost all of them...

2. "You're a great lover."
My thought on this one is, yeah, I know I am. Ha Ha. But seriously, I think this falls under the "you're the best I ever had" catagory, even if she isn't. You do want to get some again, don't you? If we have to tell you how great your anatomy is, you should tell us how great we are in bed.

3. "You're so smart."
This one, I don't really agree with. I know some pretty dumb people. I don't think you should encourage the stupid.

4. "You're my best friend."
Even if she's not "technically" your best friend, it's probably a good idea to tell her anyway. A woman not only wants to be your g/f, wife, lover, she wants to be your friend too. And you know us women, we have to be the best at everything.

5. "You're the most important thing to me."
I agree with this one. However, a disclaimer should be put on this one. If your Harley or your dog is more important, she's probably gonna already know that, so don't lie to her. Just omit this one.

6. "I would never lie to you."
Just because of past history, as soon as a man says this to me, I know he's going to lie. Just like when a man says "trust me", run like hell. (No, I'm not bitter, just realistic)

7. "I have never cheated on you."
To me, this is a touchy one. Why would a man just randomly say this to a woman? If a guy said it to me, I'd automatically wonder why he feels the need to reassure me. But if I asked him, yeah, I would wanna hear it.

8. "I'd be lost without you."
Well, if it's maps and directions we are talking about, hell, they'd be lost with me. Ha, Ha. But yeah, it's nice to know that a man needs you and not just for cooking, cleaning and chasing after the brats.

9. "You're funny."
The first thing I thought of when I read that, was "funny as in haha or funny as in gay?" (slingblade). Anyway, some people have no sense of humor, so again, don't encourage the idiots who believe they are the next Ellen DeGeneres.

10. "I love you."
All I have to say on this is, if you don't mean it, don't say it. Don't screw with people's emotions. It's not nice and they may go postal on your ass.